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 !  Cursed, part 1

An Original Comedy Screenplay By

John H. Leeper

** Note - Terms used in spec scripts:
O.S. = Off Screen
V.O. = Voice Over
EST = Establishing Shot
INT = Interior
EXT = Exterior
POV = Point Of View
INSERT = A Camera Shot Usually Focusing On An Object


PART 1.

BLACK. There is a SCUTTLING of a tiny animal's feet O.S. The SCRITCH-SCRATCHING grows louder. ONE RAT O.S. is joined by ANOTHER RAT O.S. and then ANOTHER O.S., until a small pack can be heard running in the darkness.

FADE IN:

INT. CRAWLSPACE UNDERNEATH A HOUSE - DAY - EST

A corner is turned. Darkness gives way to a filthy crawlspace beneath a house. The walls are of old brick. There are floor joists overhead and the floor is dirt. This is the view a rodent might have of the underside of a house.

RATS' POV - CRAWLSPACE

Many rat feet SCUTTLE across the dirt floor towards a pile of bricks against a wall. The rats climb it and squeeze through a hole in that leads into a galvanized ventilation duct.

INT. INSIDE A GALVANIZED METAL HVAC DUCT - DAY

Once inside the HVAC duct, the rat pack moves cautiously to a square, floor-level grate, and peer through the horizontal slats into the interior of a modest, Victorian home.

A WOMAN'S LEGS walk past from right to left.

As the rats turn back towards the interior of the ductwork, there is a glimpse of squirming rodent bodies close together. They follow the winding course of the ventilation shaft until they come to another vent cover.

This vent cover is loose and opens underneath a bed.

INT. CHILD'S BEDROOM - DAY

The vent CREAKS as the rats squeeze through and make their way past an array of dolls, toys, shoes and socks on the floor beneath the bed. They pause in front of a coverlet that hangs down like a thick stage curtain.

The rodent pack freezes when a child's voice is heard O.S.

THREE-YEAR-OLD GIRL (O.S.)
Now, you remember to behave at the
party and mind your manners.

The rats slip beneath the coverlet and see a little girl sitting alone on a hook rug surrounded by her dolls who are dressed in bonnets and adult jewelry. There is an assortment of miniature furniture: chairs for the dolls, a table, tea service and cups.

The rodents move cautiously towards the small girl who turns and stares in their direction. She is not afraid. On the contrary, she seems fascinated.

The bedroom door suddenly swings opens in the b.g., and the woman's legs that were seen earlier through the wall vent appear again. A tray carrying cups, saucers, a teapot and cookies CRASHES loudly to the floor.

The expression on the face of the child's MOTHER is one of abject horror.

MOTHER'S POV - THREE-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND RATS

The three-year-old girl is sitting on her rug staring in confusion at her mom. Just a few feet beyond her on the hardwood floor are five enormous, multi-colored rats.

BACK TO SCENE

The mother SCREAMS, runs to her child, snatches her up from the floor and frantically kicks toys in the direction of the rats.

MOTHER
(a terrified screech)
GET AWAY! GET AWAY!

The child, frightened by her mother's violent actions, tunes up and begins to cry.

The rodents scurry for the safety of the ventilation shaft beneath the bed.

A BROWN-AND-WHITE RAT stops at the edge of the coverlet and looks back in the direction of the mother and child. This one has a small collar around its neck that bears an amber stone.

The rat squeaks at the two humans and the stone in the collar glows brightly. There is a soft HUMMING NOISE. The sound and light fades and the rodent vanishes beneath the bed.

FADE TO BLACK. Again, the SKITTERING of rat feet in the dark as the final credits roll.

EXT. BOSTON ALLEY ALONG THE WATERFRONT - NIGHT (PRESENT)

The rat pack emerges inside a garbage can lying on its side in an urban alley. The alley floor is of ancient brick that glistens with shallow pools of water. Dumpsters and piles of trash line the opposite wall.

Another pair of female legs walk past from right to left - the shapely legs of EVANGELINE (LINNIE) BAKER wearing mesh stockings, stiletto heels and a mini-skirt.

She catches her left heel in a crack between the bricks of the alley floor and stumbles awkwardly.

LINNIE
Dammit!

Linnie bends down to free her shoe while simultaneously struggling to keep her short skirt stretched over her fanny. While she has the beauty, voluptuous body and the attire of a prostitute, she lacks something of the grace.

A CAPTION appears across the screen: BOSTON - 37 YEARS LATER

Linnie frees her shoe, walks a few steps and loses the other in like manner.

LINNIE
(continuing; frustrated)
Dammit!

This time she must hop backwards towards the trapped shoe trying not to touch her toes to the filthy alley floor.

A two-way radio CRACKLES, and Linnie puts a hand to a receiver hidden in her left ear. It is the voice of MARIA RODRIGUEZ, Linnie's partner with the Boston Vice Squad.

MARIA (O.S.)
Linnie, where are you.

Linnie fishes a small, hand-held, two-way radio out of the tiny purse.

MARIA (O.S.)
(continuing)
Linnie, we've lost your tracking signal.

Linnie loses her I.D. wallet, which plops into a puddle. She GROANS, fishes it out and triggers the radio.

LINNIE
Maria, I'm okay. I'm between Front
and Tibbs in the warehouse district.

Linnie shakes water droplets from her wallet exposing the BRIGHT METAL BADGE inside. Her nose crinkles in disgust and places it back inside her small purse.

MARIA (O.S.)
What are you doing over there? Check
your locator. Something is wrong.

Linnie wiggles cheap tiara atop her head.

MARIA (O.S.)
(continuing; relieved)
You're back on line. Thank god.

Linnie forces her foot back into her shoe and frees the heel.

LINNIE
What is it with men and high heels?
You have a boyfriend, Maria. Does
Carlos ever look down that far?

The voice of CAPT. CONLAN, Linnie's commander, is heard over the radio. From his tone, he isn't a happy camper.

CAPT. CONLAN (O.S.)
Baker, this is Captain Conlan. Do
you think this is some kind of a joke?
We've got a guy out there who's raped
three hookers and carved his initials
into each one. Are you trying to catch
this jerk or be victim number four?

LINNIE
(flustered)
Yes sir. I mean no sir. Sorry sir. I
was just taking a short cut.

CAPT. CONLAN (O.S.)
Get your butt back on a main street where
we can find you, Baker, and I mean now!

LINNIE
Yes sir. Right away, sir.

Like a sullen child, Linnie sticks her tongue out at the radio before shoving it back into her purse.

LINNIE
(continuing; walking up the alley)
Why don't you issue me a costume
where I can hide a gun?

EXT. SIDE STREET - NIGHT

She turns right onto a narrow side street. As she passes a pair of battered dumpsters a MAN dashes from the shadows, snatches the purse out of her hand and races O.S. left.

LINNIE
Hey, you jerk!

Linnie pursues the man as quickly as her ensemble permits.

The purse snatcher darts through an unlocked warehouse door.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Linnie follows the man deep into the warehouse. When his steps grow quiet and Linnie stops to listen, sees a light switch on a nearby post and flips it, illuminating the cavernous interior of the warehouse.

LINNIE
(loudly)
Excuse me, Mr. Moron, I'm an officer
with the Boston vice squad, and I want
that purse back. Tacky though it may
be, it comes out of my pathetic salary.

There is a CLATTERNG SOUND from somewhere deep inside the warehouse. Linnie cuts her face in that direction and heads towards the noise.

INSERT: RADIO TRANSMITTER

The transmitter lies on an ancient plank floor.

BACK TO SCENE

Linnie pulls the radio receiver from her ear and looks about suspiciously. Then, she starts towards the two-way radio.

INSERT: RADIO TRANSMITTER

A scuffed boot steps out of the shadows and smashes the small device with a loud CRUNCH.

BACK TO SCENE

The malignant face of a man in his late twenties fills the screen. He has long, filthy hair, several days of scraggly beard and eyes that scream the word "lunatic."

Linnie freezes and gives the wild-eyed RAPIST a worried look.

LINNIE
Boy, I hope you have forty-seven
dollars for that radio.

The rapist takes a menacing step towards Linnie.

Linnie, her brow knit in curiosity, raises an inquisitive finger in the direction of the demented rapist.

LINNIE
(continuing)
We're looking for a demented rapist
who carves the initials J R into his
his victims with a large knife. You
wouldn't happen to be old J R, now
would you?

The man grins lewdly at her and pulls a hunting knife from underneath his coat.

LINNIE
(continuing)
I'll take that as a yes.

The rapist moves slowly towards her, eyeing her from head to toe, licking his lips in anticipation.

LINNIE
(continuing; wagging a finger)
Uh-oh, I don't like that look in your
eyes. It seems to be saying, "Here is
a young woman in a 'take-me-I'm-yours'
outfit, all alone in a dark warehouse.
Why don't I practice my cursive?"

Linnie begins to retreat as the rapist draws closer.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Trust me on this, you really need to
get those ideas right out of your head.
(motions as though pulling straw
from her hair)
Just pull them right out of there, J R.
Then, lay down on the floor and surrender.

Linny stops retreating and scowls fearlessly at the nutcase.

LINNIE
(continuing)
I feel it's only fair to warn you that
if you try to do . . .
(gesturing at her miniskirt)
. . . you know - that, with me.
While I can't say exactly what is going
to happen to you, I'm reasonably sure
it'll be very bizarre and really,
really painful.

The rapist's left leg crashes through the floor.

LINNIE
(continuing; a knowing nod)
There you go. Now, you are probably
thinking, Hey, old warehouse, rotten
planks, could happen to anybody. But no.

The rapist pulls his leg from the hole and struggles to his feet only to discover that his pants are swarming with gigantic cockroaches. Several of the bugs crawl up his pants leg, and he begins to swat at them desperately and CRY OUT in pain.

LINNIE
(continuing)
See? Now, you have giant
cockroaches in your pants.
(shudders in disgust)
God, tell me that is not weird?

As he battles frantically with the roaches, the rapist knocks a bucket off a nearby wall and out plops a hornet's nest.

Enraged hornets pour out and begin to sting him.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Ah-hah! A bucket full of hornets!
In a million years! Think about it.

The rapist screams in pain and runs wildly O.S. to the left, flailing at the air with the knife and swatting his groin.

Linnie sighs heavily and finds a nearby crate where she can sit down. She leans forward on her knees and stares at the floor, suddenly lost in thought.

LINNIE
(continuing)
You have no idea how awful my life
has been.

The rapist runs SCREAMING from left to right. Now, is wrapped in a tangle of barbed wire and he is still being pursued by a cloud of wasps.

LINNIE
(continuing; oblivious to rapist)
I'm forty years old, and I'm
still a virgin, and, believe me, it's
not my fault.

Linnie straightens, cups her ample breasts in her hands and jiggles them.

LINNIE
(continuing; to rapist)
I've seen plenty of tits in my life,
and this is a great looking pair.
You know what, J. R., they've never
been fondled. Every guy who ever tried
to feel these, ended up having
something really bad happen to him.

Linnie again looks sorrowfully at the floor.

LINNIE
(continuing)
My god, all Sammy Martin did was try
to neck with me in ninth grade. He's
still on crutches!

There is a loud SCREAM from the rapist O.S. Linnie winces.

LINNIE
(continuing)
If you haven't had a tetanus shot,
tomorrow might be a good time. Billy
Sanders was this kid who wanted to
take me to the prom. Got lockjaw. It's
really awful.

Linnie reaches into her tight blouse and pulls out a cigarette and lighter and casually lights up.

The rapist hops in from the right. While the barbed wire and wasps are gone, there is a piece of lumber spiked with rusty nails attached to the sole of his right boot.

The rapist falls to the floor and wails pathetically.

LINNIE
(continuing)
I know you are a violent, deeply
disturbed individual - with very poor
hygiene, I might add. But let me tell
you the truth, J. R. If there was any
way to give you some of this --
(pointing to miniskirt)
I hate to admit it, I'd probably give
it some serious thought.

The rapist, lying on the floor, finally pulls the board from his foot, snatches up his knife and glares wildly at Linnie.

INSERT: RAT TRAP

A rat trap lies in the shadows beside the rapist.

BACK TO SCENE

As the rapist clambers to his feet, the fingers of his left hand get caught in the trap. He screams again, drops to his knees and hobbles O.S. left desperately trying to free his hand.

Linnie stares after him with a look of genuine concern written across her face.

LINNIE
(continuing)
It's the sex thing. You have to
get that completely out of your mind.

Linnie shakes her head disdainfully at the O.S. rapist.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Guys can be really dense sometimes -
(quietly, to herself)
but, eventually, they get the message.

Linnie again leans heavily against the post, lost in painful memories.

LINNIE
(continuing)
One high school sweetheart lasted
three months. Jerry Willis. He was a
devout Catholic. He wanted to abstain
until we got married.
(bobbing her head from side to side)
Then, you know how it is. One night
Mom was out so we had the house to
ourselves. I was in the mood. God,
was I in the mood.
(another beat; sadly)
Poor Jerry went down to the store to
buy condoms. Walked into the middle of
a robbery and got shot in the groin.
(deep despair in her voice)
You know what's really sad? Jerry
blamed himself. He thought god was
punishing him because he'd tried to sin.
(points fiercely to herself)
But I did it to him. I got Jerry's left
testicle shot off. Do you know how
guilty that made me feel? When I went
off to college, I just hung out with
gay guys so no one would get hurt.

Linnie takes renewed notice of the O.S. rapist. He has been quiet, apparently nursing his wounds.

Linnie leans against the post, spreads her legs, lifts her miniskirt, and gives the rapist a look at the promised land.

Suddenly, there is an ELECTRICAL BLAST and sparks shower the warehouse floor. The rapist SCREAMS once more and comes running by left to right with his coat sleeve ablaze.

LINNIE
(continuing; pointing at him fiercely)
That's for what you did to those three
prostitutes, you sick-o!

Linnie settles again into her contemplative attitude and finishes the cigarette.

LINNIE
(continuing)
You know what I think, J. R.? I'm
cursed! That's got to be it. I'm
just cursed.

STRANGE VOICE (V.O.)
Evangeline.

Linnie turns her head sharply when she hears this and sees the five multi-colored rats from the bedroom crawl into the light.

A look of horror spreads across Linnie's face and she SCREAMS!

Linnie hops to her feet and goes completely over the edge.

LINNIE
(hysterically)
RATS! RATS!

Linnie picks up several loose objects and heaves them wildly in the direction of the rats. Distracted, she doesn't see the rapist limping up behind her.

The man's arm is still smoking, and he is barely on his feet; but he has the hunting knife in his right hand.

Linnie turns at the last second, sees the knife and grabs her attacker's wrist.

The brown-and-white rat stands on its hind legs, SQUEAKS and the amber stone in the collar about its neck glows brightly. Again there is the HUMMING noise.

Linnie's eyes suddenly reflect the amber color, and her right hand darts out and catches the rapist by the throat. She suddenly has the strength of a wild-eyed berserker.

The rapist is now on the defensive. He begins to choke and sputter. His face turns red as he tries unsuccessfully to pry Linnie's fingers from his throat.

INSERT: WAREHOUSE DOOR

A closed warehouse door is kicked open by a pair of MALE POLICE OFFICERS in patrol uniforms.

POLICE OFFICER ONE
(sees the knife; shouts)
KNIFE!

Both men reach for their pistols.

POLICE OFFICER TWO
Drop the knife! Drop the knife!

BACK TO SCENE

The rapist looks towards them helplessly.

Linnie appears to be in a trance, oblivious to the presence of her fellow officers. She is like a zombie.

A pistol shot RINGS out, and the rapist grabs his left side. He GROANS, twists and crumples to the floor.

Linnie lets him go and the knife falls to the floor.

Standing between the two patrolmen is steely-eyed Maria. The muzzle of her 9 mm PISTOL is smoking.

For an instant, Linnie doesn't appear to know what it going on around her. Then she blinks and shakes her head. Seeing the hunting knife on the floor where the rapist dropped it, she snatches the weapon up, turns and searches wildly for the rats.

The pair of uniformed police officers fall on the wounded man.

Linnie is so obsessed with the rats, she pays them no mind.

Maria steps up, catches her partner by the shoulder and Linnie gives a startled YELP.

MARIA
(beside herself with worry)
Linnie, are you hurt?

Linnie grabs Maria's coat and hops up and down quickly like a terrified child. She looks as though she might cry.

LINNIE
Get me out of here, Maria.

Maria quickly throws an arm around her partner's shoulder, and they exit.

INT. BOSTON PUB - A BOOTH - NIGHT

Linnie sits alone at a pub booth. She is wearing her hooker outfit, but it is largely covered by Maria's long, tan overcoat.

Linnie's hands shake visibly as she sips from a glass of water.

Maria appears with two Marguerites. She sets one of the drinks down in front of Linnie who snatches it and drains down.

Maria eyes Linnie with deep concern as she slides into the booth seat opposite her. Maria sets her drink down between them, picks up a shaker and sprinkles salt onto her left hand.

MARIA
They're a lot better with salt.

Linnie suddenly grabs her friend's hand, yanks it to her mouth, sucks off the salt, snatches up the second Marguerite and drains that also. Then, she gasps and buries her face in her arms.

LINNIE
Rats! God, I hate rats!

MARIA
(deep concern in her eyes)
The only rat I saw was that rapist.

LINNIE
(quickly raising her head)
When I was three, a bunch of rats
attacked me in my bedroom. But my
mom saved me. I still have nightmares.
Huge rats, chasing me everywhere.

MARIA
Linnie, did that guy do anything to
you? Did he . . . hurt you?

LINNIE
(confused)
Who?

MARIA
The guy with the knife.

LINNIE
Oh, him! No. Of course not.

Maria reaches across the table and takes Linnie's hands. The look in her eyes says she wants some honest answers.

MARIA
I'm your partner, Linnie. You tell
me the truth. Did he - do anything?

Linnie realizes what Maria is suggesting and pulls free.

LINNIE
You know that can't happen to me. It's
why I volunteered to be the bait.

Maria sits back and looks disapprovingly at Linnie.

MARIA
Oh, please. Don't give me that crap
about being cursed, okay?

LINNIE
Really? So, what would you call it?

MARIA
You've been . . .
(she grasps for an explanation)
- a little unlucky in love.

Linnie straightens and opens her raincoat to reveal the hooker's costume underneath.

LINNIE
Unlucky in love? Are you kidding me?
I'm wearing clothes like these, and I
can't get laid by a demented rapist?
No. Something is definitely wrong here.

Maria leans across the table. She is exasperated.

MARIA
Linnie, there's no curse on you that
keeps men away.

LINNIE
Oh yeah? Watch this.

Linnie leans into the aisle and searches up and down.

She sees a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN in a casual business suit sitting alone on a bar stool. He looks up from his drink and notices Linnie looking in his direction.

Linnie gives him a big smile and raises her eyebrows. She opens her raincoat so he can see the skimpy costume.

The man at the bar raises his nose in a gesture of disdain as his MALE PARTNER returns carrying drinks. They are obviously gay. The male partner glares angrily at Linnie.

Linnie turns to Maria with a smug grin.

MARIA
That could happen to anybody.

LINNIE
But it always happens to me. Law of
averages, Maria. Any girl in Boston
could stand outside this bar and ask
ten guys to have sex with her. One
would say yes. But if I did that, I
could bankrupt Blue Cross.

MARIA
(frustrated)
Oh, Linnie . . .

LINNIE
The guys in the department know
better than to go out with me,
don't they?

MARIA
You won't let any of them get close.

LINNIE
That's because I'm trying to
protect the lives of fellow officers.
(taps the table emphatically)
Read the manual.

MARIA
(disgusted)
Oh, for crying out loud.

LINNIE
Jimmy Lucas.

MARIA
Who?

LINNIE
Jimmy Lucas who used to work in
homicide.

Maria's face darkens as she puts a name with a face.

MARIA
That was an accident.

LINNIE
Maria, alligators don't just
pop out of manholes and bite a
guy’s leg off.
(a beat)
In Miami, maybe, but not in Boston.

MARIA
It was a freak event.

LINNIE
Exactly my point. They're all freak
events.
(a beat)
Why do you think all the old guys
tell the newbies that I put out?
(another beat)
It's because they like to watch the
young guys hurt themselves.
(shaking her head
in disgust)
Men are like that. They can be
cruel.

MARIA
(frustrated)
Have you ever thought - maybe you're
not GUY oriented?

Linnie gives the tabletop in an empty stare, then, a divine revelation appears to take shape inside her head.

LINNIE
That's got to be it! That's why I
wanted a Shetland pony growing up.
(a scornful look)
All through Police Academy you
thought I was a lesbian, didn't you?

Maria gives a nod and a shrug of silent assent.

LINNIE
(continuing; emphatically)
Well, I'm NOT. Besides I already
thought of that. I tried to go to
a gay bar once.

MARIA
Really? What happened?

LINNIE
Kitchen fire. Place burned down while I
I rode over on the Metro.

MARIA
(exasperated)
Oh, Linnie.

LINNIE
No. It's the truth. I'm cursed. God
is punishing me for something my
parents did. It had to be them. I
know it wasn't my sins.
(rapping her knuckles on
the tabletop)
That's in the Bible. God does that
sort of thing.

MARIA
You are so hopeless.

Linnie raises a hand to abort her friend's lecture.

LINNIE
Why do you think I joined the vice
squad?

MARIA
I don't know.

Linnie leans forward so only her friend can hear this.

LINNIE
Because it's like being a voyeur.
I arrest all these hookers, and they
tell me what they did the night
before.
(slips into sordid imaginings)
I can't help it. I wonder what it
would be like, you know. Six or
seven guys in a night. Maybe, two
or three at one time.

MARIA
(a horrified whisper)
Linnie, get a grip! My god, you're
obsessing.

Maria looks nervously around to make sure no one has overheard.

MARIA
(continuing)
Sex isn't all that great sometimes.

LINNIE
Really? Well, you're a Catholic.
For Lent this year, why don't
you give it up for forty days?

Maria doesn't answer, but her expression indicates that would be a sacrifice she wouldn't care to make.

LINNIE
(continuing)
I rest my case.

Linnie, tired and a little drunk, crosses her arms on the tabletop and lays her forehead on them.

Maria looks as though she wants to continue the argument but decides her friend has been through enough for one night.

MARIA
Come on, Linnie. I'll take you home.

INT. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE LINNIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Linnie walks down the hall of her apartment complex, a small bag of groceries cradled in her left arm. At the door, she fumbles with her keys.

The door directly across the hall opens and out steps a scowling, fat, middle-aged woman named MRS. PATTERSON.

LINNIE
(turning; tired)
Oh, hi, Mrs. Patterson. Is there
something wrong?

The scowl on the neighbor's face deepens as she eyes Linnie from her doorway. The woman produces a two-foot-long shipping tube.

MRS. PATTERSON
(disdain in her voice)
The UPS man asked me to hold this
for you.

The woman rolls the tube over so she can read the label aloud.

MRS. PATTERSON
(continuing; holier-than-thou)
Hot and Horny Adult Novelties.

Mrs. Patterson raises a thick eyebrow and shakes her head in disgust. She shoves the tube into Linnie's hands, turns in a huff, retreats to her apartment and slams the door.

Linnie, deeply embarrassed, raises her voice so her neighbor can hear through the closed door.

LINNIE
It's not what you think, Mrs.
Patterson.
(pauses; acquiring a defeated
expression; lowers her voice)
Okay, it is what you think, but it
can't be helped.

Linnie turns and unlocks her apartment door.

INT. APARTMENT FOYER - NIGHT

Linnie enters her apartment and punches the message button on her answering machine. There is a BEEP.

ANSWERING MACHINE (V.O.)
There are no new messages.

An adult cat hops onto the foyer table beside the answering machine. Linnie leans forward and playfully rubs its head.

LINNIE
Isn't that awful. Nobody wants to
commit suicide by having sex with me.
Men can be so selfish, can't they?

She cradles the animal in her free arm and walks O.S. left.

INT. APARTMENT KITCHEN - NIGHT

Linnie places the cat and her packages on a kitchen counter and pulls a half gallon of milk from the sack. Other cats join the first on the counter and crowd around her legs.

A sign is pasted on the refrigerator door sporting large letters that read: WELCOME TO RAT HELL!

Linnie pours milk into a bowl and the cats rush to it. She puts the jug in the fridge, picks up her package and exits.

INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Linnie sits on a small sofa and opens one end of the tube. She looks inside and fishes out a folded instruction card. Then, she props the tube against the far armrest of the sofa.

Placing her elbows wearily on her knees, she reads aloud the words printed on one side of the card.

LINNIE
BEDSIDE BOB. Seventeen inches of
pulsating, orgasmic action.
(drops her chin to her chest;
a sigh of defeat)
I was so hoping my first time
would be with an animate object,
but what the hell.

She again reads from the horizontal instruction card.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Space-age polymers make this new
generation vibrator look and feel like
the real thing . . . only BETTER.

Linnie unfolds the card, doubling its length.

LINNIE
(continuing; utterly amazed)
Whoa!

Linnie notices a tiny, plastic RED SOX CAP lying on a table near the sofa and places it atop one end of the upright tube.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Okay Robert. You don't mind if I call
you Robert, do you? Bob sounds so
cheap, and I feel cheap enough.

Linnie starts to reach for the tube, hesitates, and places a hand coyly to her breast.

LINNIE
(continuing; a thick Southern
Belle's accent)
Robert, you will be gentle with me,
won't you? This is my first time.

She picks up the tube, tosses the plastic baseball cap aside and pulls out packing paper. As she peers into the tube, Linnie's face acquires a deeply troubled expression.

She reaches in and pulls out Bedside Bob. The dildo looks more like a misshapen RUBBER SNAKE than anything remotely related to the human anatomy.

It falls limp as it is drawn the box. Linnie holds it between a thumb and index finger and wiggles it in the air. She is utterly appalled by the repulsive device.

Linnie drops the box and again picks up the instruction card. She looks in disbelief, first at the image printed there, and then the limp dildo in her hand. There is fine print underneath the picture, and Linnie squints at it.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Keep away from all sources of heat.
High temperatures may cause polymers
to lose shape and rigidity.
(utter dismay written on her face)
Only I could get stuck with an
impotent dildo.

She shakes the flaccid device about in mid air and complains bitterly at it.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Forty-nine ninety five, plus shipping,
and you give me NOTHING! My god, now
I know what GUYS feel like.
(shaking her head ruefully)
One thing is for sure, I won't be
filing any damage claims. So, what
else would you be good for Bobby?

SERIES OF SHOTS

A) Linnie sits on the edge of her bed staring into a full-length mirror on the wall. She has the mangled Bedside Bob stretched to full length. Again, the Southern accent.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Oh no, Robert, my husband is home!

She drops the tip and the thing falls limp. She grins impishly.

B) Linnie holds the limp dildo a few inches from her face. Her expression is deadly serious. She points to Bedside Bob and looks directly into the camera.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Viagra. Need I say more?

C) Linnie holds the limp dildo to her nose and waves it about as though it was an elephant's trunk. She makes the HARUMPHING noises of a pachyderm.

D) Linnie has the base end of Bedside Bob pressed against her right forehead. It hangs across her right eye and cheek.

LINNIE
(continuing)
But mom, will they notice my zit?

E) Linnie bursts from the bedroom door with Bedside Bob tucked beneath her arm in the fashion of Bruce Lee, holding a set of martial arts nunchakus.

LINNIE
(continuing)
HI-YAH!

Linnie whips the rubbery device about like a weapon, slashing at imaginary foes, then catches it again in her armpit. She makes silly faces and vocalizations of a very bad kung-fu movie.

LINNIE
(continued)
Owwahhhoooeee!

F) Linnie stands beside the sofa again. She is playing the part of CLEOPATRA, holding the dildo near its head like an asp.

LINNIE
(continued; melodramatically)
Mark Anthony, Mark Anthony, Caesar
is at the gate! All is lost!

She places a wrist to her forehead, jabs the head of the dildo to her breast and falls across the sofa as though dead. While she is lying on the couch, the STRANGE VOICE again calls softly to her.

BACK TO SCENE

STRANGE VOICE (V.O.)
Evangeline.

She hears it and looks around the room. When she doesn't see anyone, she gets up and heads towards the front door.

-- END PART ONE --

--Back to Top--

 !  Sidebar Information /
Fan Fiction

Kathy Griffin

In this script, Kathy plays the part of Linnie. To read a brief biography, go to Kathy Griffin >>.


Evangeline (Linnie) Baker has a problem. She is thirty-five years old, and she is still a virgin. It is not Linnie's fault. She is attractive, intelligent and witty. She has a good job as a Boston vice cop, and she really likes men. In fact, since Linnie was in high school, she has tried hard to lose her "unsullied" status; but there seems to be nothing she can do about it. Any time a man starts to feel amorous towards her some bizarre, inexplicable and, often, painful accident befalls him. Eventually, Linnie comes to the conclusion that she is cursed. And, she is right.

When Linnie was only three years old, a pack of six Boston sewer rats placed a magic spell on her designed to keep her a chaste virgin until the day arrived when she could help them return to their true forms. One thousand years ago, a brave band of warrior heroes, accompanied by a neophyte wizard, set out to do battle with an evil sorcerer who was ravaging the British Isles. Unfortunately, they lost.

Linnie discovers the terrible wizard still walks the Earth seeking positions of power where he can cause the greatest harm to the most people. Naturally, in America, he heads a powerful corporate law firm for Wall Street.

Linnie must overcome her life-long fear of rats in order to help this small band of rodent heroes locate the dread sorcerer, break the spell, return to their true human forms and defeat the evil wizard once and for all. Only then can Linnie hope to have a normal love life.

Select any one of the links below to go to another part of
Cursed >> 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5


John Leeper is an heirloom tomato farmer, children's author, religious scholar and former Mississippi River rat now living in Northwest Tennessee. Check out his website at www.guruofthegarden.com. Click here to see his full bio. John H. Leeper >>

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