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 !  Cursed, part 3

An Original Comedy Screenplay By

John H. Leeper

** Note - Terms used in spec scripts:
O.S. = Off Screen
V.O. = Voice Over
EST = Establishing Shot
INT = Interior
EXT = Exterior
POV = Point Of View
INSERT = A Camera Shot Usually Focusing On An Object


PART 3.

INT. APARTMENT FOYER - NIGHT

Linnie reaches the foyer table and yanks her pistol from its holster.

The TELEPHONE RINGS, almost causing her to jump out of her skin. Linnie snatches up the receiver.

LINNIE
(terrified whisper)
Yes?

The voice on the other end of the line is extremely BRITISH.

CEDRIC
(frightfully cheery, what?)
Hello, there, would I have the
pleasure of speaking to Miss
Evangeline Baker?

LINNIE
Uh-huh.

CEDRIC
My name is CEDRIC EPPINGSWORTH and,
as you may have guessed from my
accent, I am from England.

LINNIE
I'm REALLY not buying right now.

CEDRIC
Oh no, I have nothing to sell. I
happen to be visiting America with
a few of my friends, and we've seen
you about here and there. I know this
this may seem terribly forward, but we
were hoping you might be willing to
meet for a bit of friendly chit-chat?
Let me assure you, our intentions
are entirely honorable.

LINNIE
Sadly, that would be true. Listen,
this is not the time, buddy. I just
got home and found my cats dead!

CEDRIC (O.S.)
Oh no, no. I can assure you they
aren't dead, merely - well, sleeping.

LINNIE
(deeply suspicious)
What?

CEDRIC (O.S.)
Or, perhaps, CAT-atonic would be a
better word.
(chortling)
Ah-hah, ah-hah!

LINNIE
Who the hell are you?

CEDRIC (O.S.)
I told you, Cedric Eppingsworth from
England. Now, you needn't worry about
your cats. In another week or so,
they will be good as new.

LINNIE
How do you know that?

CEDRIC (O.S.)
Everything will be explained if you'll
simply meet with us. I assure you, we
mean you, and your cats, no harm. My
friends and I just need to talk to you.

Linnie takes the phone from her ear and stares blankly into space. Finally, she puts the receiver to her ear again.

LINNIE
Where are you?

CEDRIC (O.S.)
Actually, we are in your bedroom.

Linnie fearfully draws a breath. She turns her head and stares down the hallway, past her bathroom door.

CEDRIC (O.S.)
You see, you left your cell phone
there, and we're using it to call you.
Actually, I should have thought of
this long ago.

INT. APARTMENT INTERIOR HALLWAY - NIGHT

Wide-eyed with terror, Linnie creeps down the hallway with her pistol at ready.

CEDRIC (O.S.)
One thing, please. Please don't scream.
It hurts our ears terribly.

Linnie reaches the bedroom door and pushes it slowly open, holding her pistol at ready.

A large, white rat is on the bed with his forepaws on the keypad of a black cell phone.

LINNIE'S FACE is framed in the doorway to the bedroom. It is a mask of horror. SHE SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS!

BED FILLED WITH RATS:
Five rats cover the surface of Linnie's bed. There is the white rat - Cedric; the brown-and-white rat with the collar - MALCOLM, who is also English; the black Irish rat - CONNOR; a brown rat of Scotland - ARGYLL (are-gile); and a motley-colored rat from Wales named CONNAUGHT (khan-nacht).

The rodents cringe at the sound of Linnie's terrified howl and scurry about the bed, babbling in distinctly ethnic voices.

SIMULTANEOUS DIALOGUE:

ARGYLL
Ach! There she goes again!

CONNOR
Saints preserve us!

MALCOLM
Oh, my ears!

INT. LINNIE'S APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT

Linnie steps into the room, raises her gun again and prepares to shoot the rats.

Cedric speaks into the mouthpiece of the telephone. Linnie still holds the receiver to her ear.

CEDRIC
Please don't shoot me. All I want to
do is talk. We've been trying to talk
to you for years, and there is very
little time left.

Linnie's hands tremble with fear. She is ready to shoot Cedric, but something stops her. She lowers the pistol.

LINNIE
(breathless)
You can't be real. Rats don't talk.

CEDRIC
Most rats don't talk. We do. If
we could just retire to the kitchen
for a few moments, everything will
be explained to you.

LINNIE
(look of disbelief)
The kitchen?

CONNOR
The thing of it is, we're really
quite hungry,and we were hoping you
might be willing to share a bit of
your food with us.

MALCOLM
If it's not too much trouble, my lady.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LINNIE'S APARTMENT KITCHEN - NIGHT

The rats are gathered on the kitchen counter among slices of cheese and bread. They are gobbling the food down hungrily.

Linnie is huddled into a corner, sitting on the floor in a fetal position. She still has her pistol, but the telephone is gone. Her eyes reveal the depth of her fear and confusion.

ARGYLL
(smacking his lips loudly)
That's the best cheese I've ever
tasted.

MALCOLM
(to Linnie)
Is this a smoked Gouda?

Linnie, completely confused and terrified, nods in silent assent from the corner.

CEDRIC
As you might guess, the cuisine in
the local sewers leaves something
to be desired.

ARGYLL
Oh, I don't know. Last night wasn't
so bad.

MALCOLM
For heaven's sake, we had to eat a
dead dog.

ARGYLL
Ach, brought back fond memories of
home. I remember when me mum used
to make us a fine dog stew.

Linnie curls up her nose up in disgust.

MALCOLM
I would expect nothing more from a
people whose national delicacy is
haggis.

ARGYLL
What's wrong with haggis?

CEDRIC
Gentlemen, please, our host doesn't
need to hear this petty bickering.

Linnie presses her forehead to her knees in dismay.

CEDRIC
The tale I am about to tell you will
probably sound utterly unbelievable.

LINNIE
(looking up suddenly; she is on
the ragged edge)
I'm listening to a talking rat for
god's sake. I'd buy just about
anything right now!

Cedric scurries to the edge of the table and stands on his hind legs.

CEDRIC
We weren't always rats. A thousand
years ago we were as human as you.
We were a band of seven warrior heroes
riding out to do battle with a dreadful
sorcerer wreaking havoc in the land. To
our company was added a promising young
wizard whose powers, we thought, would
counter those of the sorcerer.

CONNOR
As you can see, the plan didn't work out
quite as well as we'd hoped.

ARGYLL
Thanks to Malcolm, the Magnificent, here.

MALCOLM
You must admit, in the last few centuries
I have been getting much better.

CEDRIC
Every one hundred years comes a chance
for the spell to be broken and for us
to return to our true forms. But it
requires the assistance of a chaste virgin
of royal blood; and that, as they say, is
where you come in.

The black Irish rat scurries up beside Cedric and also stands upon his hind legs.

CONNOR
You're of Irish royalty on your
mother's side.

CEDRIC
Only a royal princess can hear us,
and only so long as she remains a
virgin.

The brown-and-white rat with the collar, Malcolm, joins them.

MALCOLM
Which is why I put the spell on you
when you were three years old.
(cheerfully)
And hasn't it worked marvelously.

Linnie has been staring at them quietly from the kitchen corner. She scowls at first, and then nods her head gravely.

LINNIE
You're right. That story IS hard to
believe - even from a talking rat!

CEDRIC
But I assure you, every word of it
is true.

CONNOR
We need your help!

CEDRIC
Please, let me introduce the members
of our brave brotherhood. First, there
is the wizard Malcolm, a fellow Brit.

MALCOLM
Your ladyship.

CEDRIC
From the Emerald Isle came a renowned
champion of the spear and staff, Connor.

CONNOR
That's me.

The black Irish rat bows his head towards Linnie.

CEDRIC
From Wales, a knight of great valor,
Connaught.

CONNAUGHT
Vallar was me father. He was a great
big fat man. That's why they called
him Great Vallar.

CEDRIC
(sarcastically)
Yes - and a rapier wit. From the
Highlands came ARGYLL, once considered
the strongest man in all of Scotland.

Argyll, still munching on cheese, BELCHES and delivers a wee rat FART.

CEDRIC
Also considered the most disgusting.

ARGYLL
(offended)
What?

CEDRIC
As for myself, I am Sir Cedric
Eppingsworth of Fincastle, knight of
the realm, and, once a swordsman of
unparalleled skill. At your service.

Cedric bows his head towards Linnie.

Linnie thumps her head repeatedly against her knees and whines pathetically.

LINNIE
My god. I'm trapped in a Redwall novel.

MALCOLM
(cheerily, to Cedric)
I think she's taking this rather well,
don't you?

Linnie looks up and gives the rats a hateful glare.

LINNIE
Where are the others?

CEDRIC
I beg your pardon

LINNIE
You said there were seven warriors
and your magic muskrat there. What
happened to the other three.

CEDRIC
Ah, yes - well, the hero's life isn't
for the faint of heart. Thorsund of
Norway had a bit of a rough go as a
rat. I'm afraid he leapt overboard when
we came to America and drowned himself.
Then, there was Hiesel (high-sul), the
German. Bit of rum luck in the sewers.

MALCOLM
Eaten by an alligator.

CEDRIC
I don't know why a parent would
give a child such a dreadful creature
as a pet. It isn't natural. And there
was JARMINE (jar-mean). Went native so
to speak. Left us for a rather large
contingent of female rats. Haven't
seen him in decades. Disgusting bit
of business.

MALCOLM
He was a Frenchman, you know.

CEDRIC
That's no excuse. We are human
after all.
(shudders)
Cohabitating with vermin. I can't
even imagine it.

ARGYLL
(looking up from his cheese)
Oh, they're not so bad if you close
your eyes and sing real loud so you
can't hear all that squeaking.

CEDRIC
(turning to Argyll; appalled)
For heaven's sake, that's disgusting!
How could you do such a thing?

ARGYLL
(defensively)
It's been a thousand years. You've
got to do something to take the
pressure off, if you know what I mean?

Linnie comes up from the floor with renewed determination.

LINNIE
So, let me get this straight. You
fellows are a thousand years old?

CEDRIC
(wearily)
Ten centuries of rathood. I must say,
it feels a bit longer to me at times.

LINNIE
But you can die.

CEDRIC
Oh, yes. The spell prolongs life,
but it doesn't make us invincible.

Linnie raises her pistol and points it straight at Cedric.

LINNIE
Then, you'd better get this curse
off me or you're going on a quick
trip to rat Valhalla.

MALCOLM
Actually, my lady, only you can break
the spell.

Linnie eyes the brown-and-white rat suspiciously.

MALCOLM
(continuing)
You see, spells tend to be a bit
specific in nature, and there is
a simple task you need to perform,
and it will be broken.

LINNIE
(lowering the pistol)
Don't tell me I have to kiss you,
because I'd rather be a nun.

MALCOLM
There is an elixir you must drink.

LINNIE
(skeptical)
Okay. What will it do to me.

MALCOLM
The elixir shouldn't do anything to
you. But drinking it returns us to
our human forms.

LINNIE
That doesn't sound too bad.

CEDRIC
There is a minor hurdle to overcome.
Unfortunately, the elixir is in a vial
around the neck of the sorcerer MANDAR.

LINNIE
Sorcerer?

CEDRIC
The one who turned us into rats.

LINNIE
(incredulously)
There's a one thousand year old
sorcerer still running around?
(to herself)
Why not? There's five talking rats
on my kitchen counter.

MALCOLM
Why do you think the world is in
such a dreadful state? Mandar has
sworn to do nothing but evil.

LINNIE
(reluctantly)
So - where do we find this sorcerer?

CEDRIC
Where he can cause the greatest harm
to the greatest number of people.

INT. LINNIE'S APARTMENT - COMPUTER WORK STATION - NIGHT

A computer monitor flashes to life showing a cartoon graphic of an early 20th Century cop wearing a large, bell-shaped hat, puffing hard on a whistle. A name appears: "THE WALL STREET WHISTLE BLOWER."

Linnis is seated at the work station in her home. The rats are scattered across the table in front of her.

LINNIE
This is an illegal website with a
lot of inside dirt on Wall Street.
It's conspiracy theory stuff, but
whoever runs it knows the players.

Cedric brushes her hand excitedly as he edges closer to the screen and Linnie jerks back in revulsion.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Don't touch me! Okay.

CEDRIC
Sorry. Rats are near sighted, you
know.

LINNIE
(rubbing her hand gingerly)
No, I didn't know. And I don't care.
Just none of you touch me. Yuck!

Linnie grabs a bottle of Russian vodka sitting beside the monitor, pours a shot glass full and downs it in a single gulp. Obviously, she has had more than one. She breathes deeply as she recovers from the impact.

LINNIE
(continuing)
My god, I'm exploring Wall Street
with a talking rat!
(pauses to reflect; shrugs her shoulders)
He'd fit right in at my brokerage.

Linnie hesitantly reaches for the computer mouse, frightened of Cedric, clicks it and enters the site. She types in some characters on the keyboard.

LINNIE
(continuing)
You say this guy Mandar calls
himself Julius Reiser these days?

CEDRIC
Of that much, I'm sure. He went
by the name Thaddeus Reiser until
about 50 years ago and then he
staged his own death and gave his
wealth to a nephew - in reality,
himself.

She types more letters and the screen changes. A voice with a distinct Irish brogue comes from the console V. O.

COMPUTER (V.O.)
Begosh and begorrah! Is it the
mysterious Julius Reiser you'd be
wanting to learn about? I have to
warn you. What you'll see here is
too strange for believin'. But judge
for yourself.

A picture of a modern office building in downtown Boston appears on the screen. It is obviously an amateur video production.

COMPUTER (V.O.)
(continuing)
Reiser Towers in downtown Boston
serves as headquarters of the
corporate law firm Reiser, Simms and
Hershfeldt. With offices in New
York, Tokyo, London and Berlin, no
legal firm on earth with more clout
on Wall Street. Yet, the face of the
man at the top - the mysterious Julius
Reiser - has never been photographed.

A series of pictures flash across the screen showing various views of a short man surrounded by bodyguards and finance types. His face is never seen. It is either shrouded by clothing or by the positions of others around him.

COMPUTER (V.O.)
(continuing)
From descriptions given to us, we've
been able to piece together a sketch.

The pencil drawing of a male face appears on the screen. He is an older man, thin, with eyes full of dark malice.

CEDRIC
(to Linnie with dread)
That's him. That's Mandar, the
sorcerer. He hasn't changed in a
thousand years.

COMPUTER (V.O.)
And would you like to see something
really strange?

An old black-and-white photo appears on the screen of a group of men talking on a public street. The computer zooms in to capture the face of the short fellow at the center of the group. It is the same face as the sketch.

COMPUTER (V.O.)
(continuing)
That photo was taken in the late 1940s
of Thaddeus Reiser, founder of the law
firm. if you thought cloning was
something new, think again. Julius
Reiser is one of them.

The screen changes to an alien invasion Web page called THEY ARE AMONG US.

The computer's voice changes from the Irish brogue of the cartoon cop to the intense confidentiality of a true believer in the most idiotic of conspiracy theories.

COMPUTER (V.O.)
(continuing)
They have been here for decades
manipulating, our economic and
political systems, waiting for the
right moment to invade.

Cedric rises to his hind legs and looks at Linnie.

CEDRIC
Who on earth is he talking about?

LINNIE
The people who run this Website
think evil creatures from outer space
are trying to take over the world.

CEDRIC
That's absurd!

LINNIE
Right. Because talking rats the
world over know the real problem
is a one thousand year old sorcerer.

Linnie pours herself another shot of vodka and gulps it down. She coughs hard and shudders at the effect.

Linnie shuts her eyes tightly and bows her head. There is desperation in her voice.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Please, dear Jesus, let me wake up,
let me wake up.

She opens one eye and peers at Cedric sitting by the mouse pad watching her. Linnie GROANS and shuts her eyes again.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Please, please, dear Buddha, let me
wake up, let me wake up.

She looks at Cedric again and rolls her eyes in deep despair.

CEDRIC
Actually, I'm a bit of a Thor man
myself.

The pack of rats on the tabletop creep towards Linnie.

MALCOLM
In just two days it will be ten
centuries since our defeat by Mandar.

ARGYLL
Our next chance won't come around
again for another 100 years.

CONNOR
Won't you please help us?

Linnie stares at them with a pained, pathetic expression.

LINNIE
What do you think I can hope to
accomplish in forty-eight hours?

The rats simply stare at Linnie without answering.

She looks at them helplessly, then buries her face in the palms of her hands and leans forward heavily on her elbows.

LINNIE
God, I hate rats.

INT. BOSTON SUBWAY - NIGHT

Linnie is seated inside a Metro car with a large BIRDCAGE on the bench beside her. It is covered by a cotton cloth.

On the seat beside her is her PURSE. The top of the BOTTLE OF VODKA sticks up from it prominently.

Linnie looks around as though everything in this familiar setting is brand new to her. She feels the metal arms and padded seats curiously.

A PASSENGER two seats down turns from his newspaper and eyes her with concern.

Linnie pulls out the bottle of vodka and takes a swig.

LINNIE
(looking about; to herself)
You know, this has to be the most
elaborate nightmare I think I've ever
had. It's just incredible. Everything
looks so real.

Linnie shoves the vodka bottle back into her purse, picks up the birdcage and brings it to eye level. She tosses back the cover and inside it are the five rats.

LINNIE
(continuing; grimly)
Yep, you're still there.

Linnie turns the cage towards the nearby passenger and gives him a serious look.

LINNIE
(continuing)
You know, I think the pet store is
trying to cheat me. Do these look
like parakeets to you?

The passenger gets up and hurries to another part of the subway car.

Linnie LAUGHS hysterically at her own joke.

She turns the cage around and brings her face close to the wires, studying the rats with furrowed brow.

LINNIE
(continuing)
Strange. In every other nightmare I
have, I'm terrified of rats. But you
guys aren't so bad.

She pushes a finger through the bar and pokes Cedric, who is standing on his hind legs, in the belly.

LINNIE
(continuing)
You're kind of soft and squishy.
Kitchey, kitchey, coo. Kitchey coo.

Malcolm and Cedric are beside one another in the cage. Cedric turns to the rodent wizard.

CEDRIC
My god, is she ever drunk! Is
there ANYTHING you can do?

MALCOLM
I'm trying to keep her from passing
out. And believe me, it's not easy.

EXT. STREET IN DOWNTOWN BOSTON - NIGHT

Linnie staggers out of the Metro station onto a downtown Boston Street. A few pedestrians walk past and glance curiously at the birdcage in her hand, which again is covered.

She stops once to regain her composure, and then walks resolutely down the sidewalk past the front of a posh restaurant called "The Acropolis" until she passes a large brass sign on a marble wall that reads "Reiser Towers."

Linnie stops at the glass entrance and looks about. The office building is closed and the interior is dark. She grabs the handle of the door and shakes it. The building is locked.

CEDRIC (O.S.)
(whispering from inside the cage)
Pssst! What are you doing?

She tosses back the cover revealing the rats and puts a finger to her lips.

LINNIE
(whispers to Cedric)
Shhh! There's an evil sorcerer in
there.

Linnie drops the cover again, puts the cage on the sidewalk, grabs the door handle with both hands and shakes it with all her might. The door rattles loudly under the violent assault but will not budge.

Finally, exhausted, Linnie stops and begins to look around. She glances back in the direction of the restaurant.

INSERT: SECURITY CAMERA

A small exterior security camera is mounted over the entrance to The Acropolis restaurant.

BACK TO SCENE

Linnie follows the line of the camera's lens. It takes in the entrance to Reiser Towers where she is standing.

INT. THE ACROPOLIS RESTAURANT - LOBBY - NIGHT

A giant ceramic statue of a male ATHENIAN WARRIOR dominates the lobby. It has a helmet and sword in its muscular right arm but is naked otherwise. The sculptor gave it a very prominent penis.

Linnie enters the glass doors, cage in hand, and her eyes instantly settle on the helmeted head of the statue.

She walks up to it, never taking her eyes off the statue's face, and, when she is within arm's reach, stops.

Linnie's eyes slowly search the muscular torso until they focus on the prominent penis.

She reaches out with her right index finger and taps the penis firmly.

Instantly, the ceramic penis snaps off the statue and falls to the floor.

Linnie looks back up at the statue's face.

LINNIE
I'm sorry; but isn't it comforting
to know some things in life remain
constant?

Linnie turns towards a nearby secondary entrance where a young MAÎTRE D' dressed in a tuxedo is standing at a reception desk. His head is down, reviewing a guest list.

Linnie walks up and, unceremoniously plops the covered bird cage down on the counter.

MAÎTRE D'
May I help you, madam?

Linnie fishes out her wallet and flashes her badge at him.

LINNIE
I'm an officer with the Boston P.D.
I need the security tapes for that
camera outside.

The man doesn't know what to say, but he is obviously suspicious of Linnie's condition.

The middle-aged MANAGER steps up when he sees there is something amiss.

MANAGER
I'm the manager. May I help you?

Linnie again flashes the badge.

LINNIE
The security tapes in your system.
How long do you keep them before
they're erased?

MANAGER
(hesitant)
About three weeks. Why?

LINNIE
(slurring her words)
Boston P. D. has reason to believe
that an eezzvil sorcer -
(stops and tries again)
I'm sorry, an evil sorcerer, is
living next door. We need your
security tapes.

The two men look at one another incredulously.

MANAGER
I am very sorry, officer, but those
security tapes are the exclusive
property of the Acropolis Restaurant.
I am afraid you will need a warrant.

Linnie looks at him as though she doesn't understand. Then, she scowls at the pair of men, reaches underneath the cover of the birdcage and pulls out Connor.

The men jump back, startled, as Linnie waves the black rat in front of their faces and strides past them resolutely into the main dining room.

INT. THE ACROPOLIS RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Linnie holds her badge up in one hand and Connor in the other.

LINNIE
(loudly)
Excuse me, please. Excuse me. If
any of you happen to be eating the
Beef Wellington, my advice would be
to put your knife and fork down NOW!

There is a general MURMUR of consternation from the restaurant guests.

An overweight, ELDERLY WOMAN dressed to the nines sees the rat and gives a startled YELP of fear.

ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh, my god!

Her HUSBAND looks first at Connor and then his plate. He drops his knife and fork as though the utensils are red hot.

The manager hurries into the room trying to grab Linnie by the arm; but when she swings around with Connor in her hand the man jerks back in revulsion.

MANAGER
Please, madam, please. Get that
thing out of here!

LINNIE
I'd be happy to - just as soon as
you give me those tapes.

The manager looks around helplessly, and then snarls at the Maître d' nearby.

MANAGER
The tapes. Go get her the tapes
she wants.

He fumbles in his pocket for a set of keys and hands them nervously to the Maître d' who hurries away.

Linnie turns Connor around so they are looking into each other's eyes. She gives him a big, self-satisfied grin.

-- END PART THREE --

--Back to Top--

 !  Sidebar Information /
Fan Fiction

Kathy Griffin

In this script, Kathy plays the part of Linnie. To read a brief biography, go to Kathy Griffin >>.


Evangeline (Linnie) Baker has a problem. She is thirty-five years old, and she is still a virgin. It is not Linnie's fault. She is attractive, intelligent and witty. She has a good job as a Boston vice cop, and she really likes men. In fact, since Linnie was in high school, she has tried hard to lose her "unsullied" status; but there seems to be nothing she can do about it. Any time a man starts to feel amorous towards her some bizarre, inexplicable and, often, painful accident befalls him. Eventually, Linnie comes to the conclusion that she is cursed. And, she is right.

When Linnie was only three years old, a pack of six Boston sewer rats placed a magic spell on her designed to keep her a chaste virgin until the day arrived when she could help them return to their true forms. One thousand years ago, a brave band of warrior heroes, accompanied by a neophyte wizard, set out to do battle with an evil sorcerer who was ravaging the British Isles. Unfortunately, they lost.

Linnie discovers the terrible wizard still walks the Earth seeking positions of power where he can cause the greatest harm to the most people. Naturally, in America, he heads a powerful corporate law firm for Wall Street.

Linnie must overcome her life-long fear of rats in order to help this small band of rodent heroes locate the dread sorcerer, break the spell, return to their true human forms and defeat the evil wizard once and for all. Only then can Linnie hope to have a normal love life.

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Cursed >> 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5


John Leeper is an heirloom tomato farmer, children's author, religious scholar and former Mississippi River rat now living in Northwest Tennessee. Check out his website at www.guruofthegarden.com. Click here to see his full bio. John H. Leeper >>

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