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 !  Cursed, part 5, the last

An Original Comedy Screenplay By

John H. Leeper

** Note - Terms used in spec scripts:
O.S. = Off Screen
V.O. = Voice Over
EST = Establishing Shot
INT = Interior
EXT = Exterior
POV = Point Of View
INSERT = A Camera Shot Usually Focusing On An Object



A van pulls up in the narrow alley outside the warehouse near the waterfront.

Two THUGS get out and open the vehicle's side door. They lead five hooded women out of the van who are wearing FULL-LENGTH CAPES. The thugs and HOOKERS go through the warehouse door.

Linnie peeks at them from behind a nearby dumpster. She has the cage on the ground beside her, opens the door and sets the rats free.

You guys know your way around here
better than I do. I'll meet you

The rats scurry away in the direction of the warehouse.

Linnie hurries stealthily to the door, cracks it open, peeks inside to see if the coast is clear and then slips into the warehouse interior.


The five prostitutes are standing in a distant corner of the main warehouse floor.

Linnie creeps towards them and hides behind a stack of cardboard boxes.

The two thugs remove the hoods from the girls' heads and dole out theatrical masks and rolls of cash.

Wear these masks. Never take them
off. Here is half the money up front.
You get the other half when the job
is done. Now, wait here.

The two thugs finish handing out the masks and money and then exit towards a dark corridor nearby.

Linnie pulls out her 9 mm handgun and edges towards the group of girls.

One of the prostitutes moves away from the other four. She stuffs her money into a pocket, pulls out a cigarette and lighter and prepares for a smoke.

Linnie appears from around the corner of some crates and puts the gun barrel to the prostitute's head while placing a finger to her lips that tells the woman to be quiet.

Linnie pulls the girl behind the crates and flashes her badge.

Take the money and run. Leave the

The First Thug returns from the dark corridor.

The other four prostitutes are slipping on masks and adjusting their full-length capes.

Linnie appears from behind the crates. Her clothes are fully covered by the cape. She is wearing the mask, and her pants legs are rolled up to hide her uniform.

The First Thug looks her up and down suspiciously, then turns and leads the group of women into the dark corridor.


Linnie and the four prostitutes are led down a narrow wooden staircase into the warehouse basement. At the bottom of the staircase they reach what appears to be a solid wood wall.

The First Thug stops in front of the wall, bows his head and closes his eyes. A vertical crack appears and a section of the panel slides to one side.

Linnie and the other women are led inside.


Middle Eastern music plays O.S. as Linnie passes through a thick curtain into Mandar's underground lair, which is furnished with the gold gilt, glimmer and the embellishments of some Eastern Potentate's harem.

All around are men and women in business suits wearing costume masks to hide their identities. Prostitutes are also masked but wear flimsy outfits akin to belly dancer garb. The prostitutes serve drinks and flirt with their clients.

There is a constant MURMUR OF CONVERSATION over the music.

In a distant quarter of the room, Linnie sees a tall wooden throne trimmed in silver. A small man sits on it in scarlet robes wearing a gold mask. At the pinnacle of the throne is a BALL OF GLASS set into the wood.

Linnie is at the end of the line of five winding her way through the strange crowd of masked participants.

(muttering to herself)
God, another Kubric fan.

The thug leading them motions with his hands and the first two women in their line peel away towards clients.

They continue a short distance and he motions again. Two more girls leave, and now only Linnie follows him.

She is taken to a SMALL, LOW STAGE where a crowd of masked spectators await some sort of performance.

The First Thug motions for Linnie to step onto the low stage, and she nervously complies.

From the opposite side of the stage a tall, lithe, well-endowed woman suddenly appears wearing a BLACK LEATHER OUTFIT and brandishing a WHIP. The DOMINATRIX is leading a female SUBMISSIVE by a leash and collar.

Even through her mask it is obvious that Linnie is staring at the pair wide-eyed.

The two prostitutes perform a short, suggestive dance routine in which the submissive is handcuffed to a chair, and then the Dominatrix wags a finger in Linnie's direction beckoning her to join them.

Linnie shakes her head vigorously. No.

The Dominatrix cracks the whip in Linnie's direction, who makes a short leap backwards.

The Dominatrix gives another determined motion for Linnie to join her and receives in return another shake of the head, no.

The whip cracks a second time, and Linnie turns to escape only to come face-to-face with the scowling First Thug at the edge of the stage.

With Linnie's back to her, the exasperated Dominatrix steps forward and cracks the whip a third time, smacking Linnie across the bottom. Linnie YELPS, lunges forward, bounces off the barrel chest of the thug, turns quickly and heads straight for the Dominatrix with murder in mind. She rubs her backside with her left hand and yanks out the 9 mm pistol from underneath her cape with her right.

(continuing; fiercely)
Hit the floor, moron!

The stunned Dominatrix stares at Linnie in disbelief. This was not a part of her script.

Linnie FIRES A SHOT directly over the woman's head, causing the Dominatrix to cringe and twist to one side.

Linnie roars up, grabs the Domninatrix by the hair of the head and kicks her behind the left knee, buckling her leg. That puts the woman on her knees.

Some in the audience jump to their feet in astonishment and there are SHOUTS of surprise.

The First Thug hops onto the short stage and lunges towards Linnie, but stops when she points the gun at him.

Want to keep that left kneecap? On
the floor! Hands behind your head!

The First Thug reluctantly drops to his knees and places both hands behind his head.

Linnie slaps the Dominatrix sharply across the side of the leather mask.

You like that, bitch?
(slapping the woman's head again)
Does that feel good to you? Put
your hands behind your head! You got
any idea how much time you can do for
assaulting a police officer?

The Dominatrix places her hands behind her head.

Linnie rips off her mask, looks up and spies ONE MAN in the audience who has pulled out his cell phone. He has on a mask with a long snout that makes him resemble a character from the Muppets. She points her pistol at him.

Unless you're dialing 9-1-1, Gonzo,
you'd better put that cell phone down.

The man instantly snaps the phone shut.

Linnie brandishes her badge high in the air.

(continuing; loudly)
I'm officer Evangeline Baker with
the Boston vice squad; and you're
violating more laws of the State of
Massachusetts than I can count.
Consider yourselves under arrest!

The crowd grows strangely still and then slowly parts as the short man in scarlet robes and a golden mask Linnie saw earlier, sitting on the throne, approaches the stage.

Linnie lowers the gun barrel at his chest.

That's far enough short stuff!

MANDAR removes his mask, revealing the face of his present incarnation, Julius Reiser. He speaks with a heavy British accent.

It appears we have an uninvited
guest. Obviously - officer Baker,
is it? - you don't know the house
rules. One of them is, no guns
are allowed.

Mandar makes a dramatic gesture with his right hand.

Linnie suddenly find herself holding a large, writhing snake.

Instinctively, Linnie drops the snake; but as it hits the floor, it again becomes a pistol.

The Dominatrix and First Thug instantly jump to their feet and seize Linnie.

(desperation in her voice)
I didn't come here alone, Reiser!

Mandar's stoic expression shows he is unmoved.

Ah yes, you did bring some friends,
didn't you?

The sorcerer turns and snaps his fingers.

Two more of Mandar's henchmen appears from behind a curtain. One carries a large, rectangular cage in his hands. Inside it are Cedric, Connaught, Connor and Argyll. The second holds a spherical cage DECORATED WITH AMULETS. Malcolm is in this.

Notice the amulets on all sides of
the trap holding your wizard's


They prevent him from exercising his
rather limited powers of magic.

Sorry, your ladyship.


Pitiful, really.

Mandar steps over to one of the clients in the audience and removes his mask. It is the manager of the Acropolis Restaurant adjacent to Reiser Towers.

Do you recognize Peter's face? He
manages the restaurant next to my
office. Peter told me about your
drunken sortie into his establishment.
I thought you might, by chance, find
your way here, so I took a few
precautions. Bring her along, please.

The First Thug and Dominatrix roughly drag Linnie after the sorcerer.

Mandar leads the crowd to a large, RECTANGULAR WOOD BOX elevated on short stilts. The crowd gathers around this. Mandar's throne overlooks one end of it.

The sorcerer motions to Linnie's guards, and they push her against a thick warehouse support post. Her arms are yanked behind her and around the post. The Dominatrix ties her wrists with thick rope cords, and the First Thug, her ankles.

(continuing; smiling wickedly)
A thousand years ago, this very
night, a band of would-be heroes set
out to destroy me.
(leans forward to stare at the rats
inside the cage; snickers)
It was only fitting I condemn those
fools to a life in the sewers, while
I lived like a king. So much for
the triumph of good over evil. But
their torment ends tonight. They
will die as they lived - failures.

Mandar turns towards Linnie and studies her lasciviously.

Linnie struggles against the ropes but is held fast.

And when I finish with them, my guests
and I will have the unique pleasure of
your - how can I put this delicately?
Your coming out party. Pretty, young
virgins are so scarce these days.

You want some of this? Why wait?
Come and get it right now. Don't
be bashful short stuff.

Mandar raises his thick eyebrows in a comic "Who, me?" expression.

That's right. Maybe you'll get lucky.

Mandar walks slowly towards Linnie.

Come on. You know you want it!

Mandar draws close and places his hand against Linnie's stomach. As he stares darkly into her eyes, his hand slips down below the view of the camera.

At first, Linnie looks surprised as the sorcerer's hand appears to go further than any man has gone before. From the motion of his arm, he is reaching beneath her belt. Then, Linnie's surprise changes to fear. The curse isn't working. She suddenly winces and CRIES OUT in pain.

Do you think some petty spell by
that incompetent magician of yours
would have any effect on me.

Mandar withdraws his hand and crudely tastes the tip of his index and middle fingers.

Linnie, feeling violated, glares at Mandar with hate in her eyes.

I can assure you, my dear, your
days of virginity are at an end.
I believe your deflowering will be
a wonderful experience - for my
colleagues, at least.

From inside his cage, the rat Cedric becomes agitated.

Leave her alone, Mandar!

Mandar turns angrily in the direction of the cage.

Or you'll do what you stupid
little creature?

Mandar turns from Linnie and heads towards the giant wooden box where his guests are gathered. He is followed closely by the Dominatrix and First Thug.

As Mandar heads towards the captive rats in the cage, a pair of BROWN SEWER RATS creep out from behind a curtain at Linnie's back.

Mandar strides to the edge of the rectangular box and motions towards one of his henchmen.

Cedric is dropped from the cage onto the floor of the rectangular box.

It is your own life that should
concern you.

While all attention is focused upon Cedric, the wild rats reach the post where Linnie is tied. The thick cords holding Linnie's wrists hang to the floor, and one of the rats begins climbing them. The other starts chewing on the ropes holding her ankles.

Linnie feels the rat and glances furtively behind her. She sees what they are doing.

Mandar motions again to a henchman and a small door opens in the side of the box. Out slithers a large snake.

Cedric dashes fearfully from one corner of the box to the other trying to avoid the snake, but he has little room to maneuver.

There is a CLOSEUP of the wild rats furiously chewing through Linnie's bonds.

Inside the box, Cedric is trapped in a corner and the snake raises its head to strike.

Malcolm shouts a warning from within his spherical cage.

Cedric, look out!

The snake strikes and a cheer erupts from the crowd of onlookers!

From the post, Linnie's face acquires a sickened look.


A thick lump inside the snake's body, slowly makes its way down the reptile's gullet.

Mandar, smiling wickedly, approaches Linnie again and pulls a CLEAR CRYSTAL VIAL from inside his robe. It is held about his neck by a thin gold chain. Inside the vial are six tiny WHITE LIGHTS.

One light begins to change color, glowing a brilliant red.

Mandar leans close to Linnie and shows her the vial while she glowers at him with hate in her eyes.

Isn't it beautiful? The color is
so lovely as one of them slowly dies.

At that instant, the wild rats simultaneously chew through the ropes holding Linnie's wrists and ankles.

Linnie lunges forward, snatches the vial from Mandar's hand, hammers him with her shoulder and sends him tumbling backwards to the floor. This breaks the gold chain.

Linnie races away from the surprised crowd of onlookers towards an unoccupied corner of the room.

Drink the elixir. Hurry, before
it's too late!

Linnie struggles with the metal cap on the vial.

Mandar comes to one knee and extends a gnarled hand towards Linnie.

That belongs to me!

As Linnie prepares to drink the potion, it is as though a powerful hand has suddenly grabbed her wrists. Try as she might, she cannot get the liquid to her lips.

Mandar's eyes are filled with malice and rage.

Suddenly, there is a RASPING NOISE that grows louder by the second. It is the sound of hundreds of RODENT FEET scraping against metal.

The noise catches Mandar's attention. He looks around perplexed and finally turns his head upwards as the rasping becomes a LOUD ROAR. Directly above him, there is an aluminum air duct with a metal grate.

Ringing from within the duct, above the din of rat feet, comes a battle cry.

Vive la France!!

The air conditioning grate above Mandar's head snaps open. Hundreds of rats pour out of the opening and fall onto the startled sorcerer.

Linnie instantly is freed from Mandar's grip, yanks the cap from the vial and drains the liquid. She reacts with revulsion, slapping her chest and making a horrid face.

Oh, my god, that tastes like old
gym socks!

The bulge inside the snake that is Cedric suddenly begins to swell in size, ballooning as though air is being pumped into it. There is the NOISE OF RUBBER STRETCHING to the point of breaking.

Light fixtures about Mandar's lair begin to explode in showers of sparks and the crowd of guests ducks and scatters, pursued by angry sewer rats. There are SCREAMS and SHOUTS of consternation.

Linnie, her face still puckered in disgust, flinches and turns her head away as there is a FLASH OF LIGHT, a RUSH OF WIND and a DYING CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY. The burst of magic subsides.

Cedric, a short man with blonde hair and a mustache, wearing a brown tunic spattered with blood, is seen inside the box on his hands and knees. All around him are the remains of the exploded snake.

Cedric opens his eyes and GASPS for air.

(shuddering; panting)
What an absolutely dreadful
(recognizes a nearby face)
Jarmine, you returned to us!

Another short, handsome fellow with long, straggly hair stands amid a sea of sewer rats. He wears only a pair of SHORT BREECHES common to the Medieval Period. He makes a gregarious wave of the arms.

Mon ami, I would not have missed
this fight for all the world!

Standing near the box are the remaining band of warrior heroes now transformed into humans. All of them are small in stature, products of the age in which they were born. All wear Medieval undergarments of one type or another.

A line of henchmen, including the Dominatrix, stand near the middle of the now smoke-filled, darkened room. They intend to do battle. The scene is lit by emergency lights and by fires resulting from the explosion of magic.

There is a CLOSEUP of the smiling Irishman with jet black hair, Connor.

Let's finish what we started, lads!

The room explodes into action as the warrior heroes dash towards their larger, more numerous opponents and the final battle is joined.

Linnie, still smacking her lips in disgust, is gripped by an intense sensation that gets her undivided attention.

Oh, wow - what's that?
(blows heavily twice)
God, do I feel . . . REALLY horny.
This a lot worse than usual.

Linnie glances about and spots a pudgy, balding, horrifically ugly little man nearby who is wearing a DRUID'S ROBE. Linnie flinches in revulsion when she sees his face.

(continuing; curiously)
Who are you?

(bows head formally)
Malcolm, the wizard, your ladyship.

Would you mind telling me what,
exactly, was in that potion I
just drank?

Actually, it contained our souls.
That is how Mandar kept us, and
himself, alive for so long. He
can trap souls.

Why do I feel so - how do I say
this - stimulated?

You do carry the souls of five
warrior heroes inside you.

Ah, that would be a lot of
testosterone, wouldn't it? Out
of curiosity, you don't happen to
have a paper sack handy, do you?
(looks at Malcolm; grimaces again)
Maybe, in your case, two.
(points into the distance)
There's an empty corner over there,
I thought you and I might . . .

Malcolm lunges forward and pushes Linnie aside.

Look out!!

THE DOMINATRIX is standing a few feet away. She has a long spear in her hand and throws it at Linnie.

Malcolm raises his hand quickly, and the spear tip appears to rebound off an invisible wall with a loud CRACK!

Linnie shoves Malcolm aside and glares at the Dominatrix.

I am really getting sick of you!

Linnie strides manfully towards the Dominatrix who takes a couple of vicious swings at Linnie and levels a wheel kick at her head.

Linnie dodges all three masterfully and lowers the boom on the Dominatrix with a brutal combination of punches that sends the woman to the floor unconscious.

(continuing; curiously to Malcolm)
How'd I do that?

As I said, you have the souls of
warrior heroes inside you.

(pleased with herself)

Suddenly, she is confronted by the First and Second Thugs and one of the Henchmen. All three are armed with clubs.

(continuing; fearfully)
Oh, Malcolm . . .

Linnie retreats to Malcolm's side as the three goons close in upon them.

Connor dashes between Linnie and the attackers. He shoulder rolls across the floor and comes to his feet with the Dominatrix's spear in his hand, which he twirls masterfully around his head like a giant baton.

Connor brings the blunt end of the spear down hard on the closest man's left toe, who grabs it in pain, hopping on one leg. Connor twirls his quarterstaff and hammers the fellow in the side of the head, rendering him unconscious.

Connor then flies into the remaining pair ferociously slashing, hammering and jabbing until they lie in a heap on the floor. Then, he backs to within inches of Linnie and becomes her human shield.

Linnie eyes Connor from behind lasciviously.

(continuing; crooning to Connor)
Mmmm. I like a man who knows how
to take charge.

Connor STARTS and YELPS when Linnie, her hand hidden from view, apparently squeezes his buttocks hard. He eyes her nervously, and moves away.

(calling after him)
You look sweaty. Maybe you should
rest a while.
(pointing into the distance)
There's a corner right over there.

Linnie pursues Connor O.S. right.

In the meantime, Argyll does battles with a pair of unarmed Henchmen. He picks one up above his head and sends the fellow crashing through a table.

The second takes a hard swing at Argyll's head and the Scot catches his fist in a vise-like grip. The man lashes out with the other fist and Argyll stops it in like manner. Next, the man tries to head butt the Scot, but nearly knocks himself out cold against Argyll's thick skull.

Argyll slaps the stunned man with open palms on either side of his head, rendering him unconscious.

(roaring loudly)
I'm still the strongest man in
all of Scotland!

A giant Polynesian appears and braces to charge like rhino.

Ach, you're a big-un.

The monster lunges forward, but Argyll, instead of meeting him head on, suddenly drops to the floor and slides between the giant's legs. As Argyll comes up behind him on one knee, the Scot reaches under the giant's robe and catches his balls.

The Polynesian FREEZES instantly, WHINES loudly and FARTS.

Broccoli, beer, roast beef and,
what was that? Chips is it?

The giant nods and GRUNTS an affirmation, obviously in pain.

When you've lived in a sewer for
a thousand years, you learn those
sorts of things.

Jarmine dashes up and bashes the fellow across the head with a brass candlestick holder, knocking him out cold.


Jarmine bows to the Scot playfully.

In another corner of the room where flames are beginning to roar higher, Connaught and Cedric are dueling men using wooden sticks as though they were swords.

Cedric dispatches his man with a blow to the head only to turn and find himself facing a henchman wearing a SAMURAI mask and holding a JAPANESE SWORD at ready.

Cedric accepts the challenge, and the fellow races across the room delivering a quick series of strikes the warrior hero deftly parries with his wooden sword.

Cedric's stick whirls between his assailant's legs and stops within an inch of the man's groin forcing the henchman onto his tip toes.

The henchman looks down in dread and back at Cedric. The eyes behind the Samurai mask are wide in alarm.

Cedric spins away. The two clash again with the same results.

Cedric dances gracefully to a nearby wall where a sword is mounted like a trophy. He yanks it from its scabbard, whips it through the air several times to feel the balance and points the tip at the would-be Samurai

Now, as you Americans like to say,
"This time, why don't we do it for
all the marbles?"

The henchman stares at the sword, GULPS, drops his weapon onto the floor and runs away in terror.

A BLINDING EXPLOSION of electricity causes Cedric to cringe.

Mandar, his flesh and clothes torn by rat bites, storms out of the smoke in a rage.


The band of warrior heroes assembles quickly in front of him and prepare for a final stand against the sorcerer.

(continuing; snarling in hate)
You pathetic fools. You were
never a match for me!

The sorcerer raises his hands dramatically and a wall of flame erupts on all sides of the band of heroes trapping them.

To Mandar's surprise, there is a loud hissing sound and the flames die to nothing.

Mandar snaps his head about to see Malcolm standing nearby, his arms extended towards the band of heroes.

You have to admit, I have been
getting much better.

Mandar GROWLS angrily and thrusts his fists in Malcolm's direction.

The little sorcerer flies through the air and crashes into a nearby wall.

There is a loud CLICK (O.S.) that causes Mandar to turn his head in surprise.

Linnie stands a few feet away. She has recovered her 9 mm police automatic and has it pointed at his head. There is blood in her eyes.

I thought it was bad luck for you
to put your hands on me.

The Strange Voice (V.O.) again rings in Linnie's mind.

Destroy his soul!

Linnie's eyes turn towards the gigantic throne.


Atop the ornate throne, Linnie spots the glass ball. It has a light inside that glows an ugly shade of yellow.


Linnie instantly whips her pistol in that direction.

The evil wizard sees what she intends to do and a look of sheer horror sweeps over his face.


Linnie fires her pistol.

The ball of glass explodes.

The yellow light drops until it hits the floor.

There is a bright BURST OF FLAME.

Mandar instantly begins to shrivel, and in a matter of seconds is reduced to a skeleton and a pile of dust.

(staring wide-eyed at the
sorcerer's remains)

Malcolm approaches her.

You released his soul. His body
was a thousand years old.

Linnie points curiously in the direction of the flaming throne.

How'd I know to do that?

You also have MY soul inside you.

Cedric hurries up to Linnie and bows at the waist.

Linnie gives this handsome devil an appreciative look.

So, you must be Cedric. OKAY.
You're really cute - a little
short but really cute.

Men in our day were somewhat
smaller in stature. Your ladyship,
we really need to . . .

Linnie interrupts him when she sees blood coming from a small gash in his tunic.

You're hurt.

Cedric glances down at his torso.

A mere flesh wound.

But you could get a bad infection.
I was trained in first aid.

Linnie begins to yank at Cedric's tunic, trying to remove it.

Why don't we get you out of these
clothes and take a look at that?

Cedric grabs Linnie around the waist and guides her forcibly towards an exit while she keeps trying to undress him.

We must get out of here, your

The band of warrior heroes collects around Linnie and hurries towards a door with Jarmine in the lead, waving his arms dramatically in the air.

An army of sewer rats joins them, racing across the floor, also making an escape from the burning building.

(pointing to a distant corner)
But there's a corner over there . . .


Linnie and her band of warrior heroes stop on a street corner near the burning warehouse. There is a ROAR from the fire and the street is awash in a flickering light.

Cedric looks around anxiously at his troop.

Is everyone all right?

(looking around)
Where is Argyll?

The group looks about for the Scot.

He must have gotten lost in the
smoke. We must go back for him.

I'm here, lads!

The Scot appears from a swirl of smoke down the small street where Linnie first chased the rapist into the warehouse. He is hunched over carrying a wood and metal chest across the back of his broad shoulders.

I was looking for spoils of war,
but all the old miser had was one
box of decent coin.

Argyll lumbers up and drops the chest among the group of warriors. He opens it to reveal ANTIQUE COINS encased in plastic sheets.

Linnie drops to her knees and fishes through the protective sheets examining the coins. Her eyes grow wide with excitement.

My god, these are all antique coins.
They're so old. There's no telling
what they're worth.

Mandar had been around for a thousand

Linnie stands up examining one of the sheets and steps away from the box. She is fascinated.

Cedric gives Argyll a nod of the head in Linnie's direction.

The entire band of men, save for Argyll, drop to their knees and bow their heads towards Linnie in an act of loyalty.

Argyll closes the chest, carries it to Linnie and places it at her feet. Then, bent at the waist, head down, he retreats to his comrades and kneels with them.

(turning; confused)
What? What's going on?

(raising his head)
Please accept this tribute, princess,
and with it, our oaths of eternal
loyalty as your servants.

What are you guys talking about?

Cedric bows his head and Malcolm looks up at her.

You are royalty. They are knights.
They wish to swear allegiance to you.

Hey, guys, that's very sweet, but
knighthood went out a long time ago.

Not for them, your ladyship. And
even though I'm only an itinerant
wizard, I would also desire to give
you my oath of allegiance.

Linnie gives him a perplexed look.

You are now the bearer of our souls,
your ladyship. When you die, our
bodies become a thousand years old.
It's actually in our best interests
to protect and to serve you.

The warriors look up at her, awaiting a response.

Linnie turns away from them, lost in thought, her face at first a mask of consternation. Then a light dawns.

(musing to herself)
To protect and to serve - iss.

Linnie's eyes suddenly widen and her face brightens.


Maria walks down the hallway of Linnie's apartment house. As she reaches the door and raises her hand to knock, she hears Linnie's muffled voice from inside in the throes of sexual ecstasy. She cocks her head and listens open mouthed, first surprised, and then amused. Maria raps loudly on the door.

This is the vice squad. Whatever
you're doing, there's a law against
it. Open up!

The sounds continue unabated. Maria uses her open palm and bangs louder.

The door opens suddenly and Cedric thrusts his head outside. He is about a head shorter than Maria and wears one of Linnie's cotton sleeping robes. He looks at Maria and then darts his head about quickly, taking in the empty hallway.

The door across the hall opens, and the scowling face of Mrs. Patterson appears. Cedric instantly transitions into his polite British gentleman mode. He smiles and raises his voice so he can be heard over Linnie's loud moans and groans O.S.

Mrs. Patterson, how are you doing
this afternoon? Could we invite
you over for a spot of tea?


The woman snorts angrily and slams her apartment door shut.

I've never quite understood the
American aversion to tea.

Cedric studies Maria for an instant and then he appears to recognize her.

You must be Maria, her ladyship's
friend. Oh, do come in, come in.

Cedric turns and disappears inside but leaves the door wide open. Maria hesitates on the threshold, baffled. She mouths the words "Her Ladyship" to herself.


Cedric leads Maria into the living room.

Connaught and Connor are seated on the couch in their Medieval garb watching a soap opera on the television.

Malcolm is in the kitchen stirring something in a pot on the stove.

(cheerful, upbeat)
My comrades in arms, I have the
pleasure to introduce our sovereign's
best friend, Maria.

Malcolm bows and waves his spoon.

A pleasure, my lady.

Maria acknowledges him with a nervous nod.

Connaught and Connor stand and bow formally at the waist.

Maria doesn't know exactly what to make of this.

(to Cedric)
Could I see Linnie, please?

Why of course you can. I'll
announce you to Princess
Evangeline immediately.

Maria silently mouths the word "Princess " to herself as Cedric heads for the nearby bedroom door through which the noise of sexual ecstasy rings loud and clear.

(continuing; raps on the door)
Your majesty? Excuse me, please.

At first, he is ignored. He opens the door a crack, peeps inside, and flinches at what he sees. Cedric smiles nervously at Maria and thrusts his head into the bedroom.

Your majesty, I am so dreadfully
sorry to disturb you, but your
friend, Maria, is here.

(breathless from next room)
What? Maria? Here?

Yes, ma'am, you see . . .

Tell her I'll be right out.

Her majesty will be with you

Maria steps over to the couch where Connor and Connaught are again sitting down transfixed by the afternoon soap.

So, you enjoy the soaps?

Not really. They wash away the
smell, so we can't find each other
in the dark any more.

But the princess makes us use
them anyway.

Maria raises her eyebrows, perplexed, and backs away.

Linnie bursts from the bedroom door. She is wearing a thick, fleecy bathrobe. Her hair is matted with sweat, and she is panting hard. She grabs Maria by the arm.

Linnie, what . . .

God, please tell me you have a

All the men in the room stand and bow formally in Linnie's direction.

Maria fishes a cigarette and lighter from her pocket and fearfully studies the men nearby. Linnie snatches the smoke with trembling fingers, and Maria lights it for her as all the men remain bent at the waist, frozen in a bow.

Linnie suddenly takes notice of them and waves.

Oh, guys, sorry, it's okay.

The four men stand and return to their activities.

I take it your curse is at an end?

Linnie draws deeply and exhales a cloud of smoke.

Oh yeah!

You haven't been to work in three
days. I kept calling, but no one
answered the phone.

I've been really, really busy.
God, this cigarette is good!

Maria herds Linnie to the wall left of the bedroom door away from the men where she can talk in a semblance of privacy.

What in the hell did you do,
raid the U.N.?

It's a little hard to explain.

Maria glances nervously in the direction of Cedric who is standing nearby watching them as though he was an attendant. He smiles politely when she looks at him, and Maria responds with a nervous nod.

Would you mind telling me what all
the "princess" business is about?

I'm descended from royalty.
(stares into distance)
You know, I always suspected that.


The bedroom door near Linnie opens quickly and a bare-chested Argyll thrusts his head outside. The man has almost as much hair on his thick torso as he did when he was a rat.

Your ladyship, when are you coming
back in?


Linnie waves him back into the room, but he refuses to go. There is a sense of desperation in his voice. He speaks to her in a furtive whisper.

You left me with Jarmine, and I
don't like the way he's looking
at me.
(looks back inside, then at Maria)
He's a Frenchman, you know.

Linnie steps over and forcefully pushes the burly Scot back into the bedroom.

I'll be there in a minute!

Linnie, how many guys are in here?

Just six.


I know. There should have been
eight. But one drowned and one got
eaten by an alligator. God, there's
no justice in the world.

There is a CRASH and a GASP of alarm from Malcolm in the kitchen. He appears frozen in place, holding his spoon, looking into the distance. A pot is on the floor.

Oh, no!

The other men stand and follow his gaze. What they see causes them to tense noticeably.

Linnie crushes her cigarette into an ashtray and walks across the room. She suddenly freezes and a shocked expression flashes across her face.

A brown sewer rat sits atop an Elizabethan lamp table beside an open window, sniffing the air.

Linnie's face grows livid with rage when she sees the rodent. She turns toward the bedroom door and howls:

Jar- MINE! Jarmine, get in here,

The Frenchman scrambles through the bedroom doorway. He wears a towel about the waist. He immediately bows low in Linnie's presence. Argyll follows and also bows. He wears a kilt.

Your ladyship.

Linnie's arms cross, and she angrily taps her foot.

Don't your ladyship me, buster.
What is she doing here?

Jarmine raises his head and spots the rat on the table. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck.

Jarmine draws a quick breath, bolts across the room and falls to his knees in front of the table. He appeals to the rat desperately.

Mon ami, why are you here? I told
you, it was over between us. Over!

The sewer rat squeaks loudly at him. Jarmine buries his face in his hands like a drama queen.

No, no, don't say such things!
(appealing to rat)
We were young! We were foolish!

Cedric and Malcolm slip over to Maria who is completely baffled by what she sees.

(to Maria)
Deucedly embarrassing situation.
I'm so dreadfully sorry you had to
see this.

Jarmine again appeals desperately to his "jilted lover" with outstretched arms.

You must forget me, mon ami. Our
time together was short and full
of passion, but you must go on with
your life. You must find another.

(to Maria, confidentially)
He IS a Frenchman, you know.

The brown rat squeaks loudly and scurries away through the open window.

Linnie, in a jealous rage, snarls after the retreating creature.

That's right, crawl out of here you
little slut! And if you ever come
back again, I'll sic my cats on you!

Jarmine bows his head in despair. Connaught steps over and places a comforting hand on his shoulder.

This is all too weird for Maria. She grabs Linnie by the arm and tugs at her.

Excuse me, your ladyship, could
I see you out front for just a
moment - alone?


Maria steps into the hallway outside the apartment. Linnie stops in the doorway. She begins to open her mouth to say something, but Maria motions and abruptly cuts her off.

I don't want to know. I DON'T want
to know. God, I should have seen
this coming. Couldn't you have tried
a little more gradual transition?

Linnie opens her mouth to speak but Maria won't let her speak.

Please, please tell me you're
using protection.

Linnie's downcast expression tells Maria that is not the case.

(continuing; frantic)
What's the matter with you, Linnie?
Haven't you heard the initials H-I-V?

AIDS? Oh, no. Not these guys.
Bubonic plague, maybe, but not AIDS.

Do you have any idea when this new
phase of your life is going to end?
The chief would like to know when
you're coming back to work.

It could be a while. I mean, the guys
kind of came into a lot a money. So
we're looking for a bigger place.
Maybe a house in the suburbs.

Oh, a little cottage in the woods for
Snow White here and the seven dwarves.
Sorry, six dwarves.

(defending her band of heroes)
Guys are smaller where they're from.
(a wicked grin; she bounces her
But not everything. Besides, they've
all sworn eternal loyalty to me.
It's kind of like marriage, only
with a lot more people involved.
(leaning forward; secretive)
I'm the keeper of their souls, you

(stares at Linnie's stomach)
Really? I hate to break this to
you, Linnie, but if you aren't on
the patch, those souls will only
keep in there about nine months.

Linnie has to ponder that one for a moment.

(continuing; a sigh of resignation)
Okay. I'm going now. But I'm
coming back first thing in the
morning to check on you.

Maria turns and starts to walk down the hallway; but she stops when Linnie calls to her.

I'll have Malcolm fix breakfast.
He's a great cook. Why don't
you bring Carlos?

Carlos is out of town this weekend.

(a worried expression)
Oh, no. You're all alone tonight?
You want to borrow Cedric? He's a
great dancer.

No, no. I'll be just fine. One man
is good enough for me. Just call me
old fashioned.

(happily; waving goodbye)
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then.

Maria beats a hasty retreat and waves in response. Linnie calls after her innocently.


Maria again waves, this time without turning around.

Linnie is framed in the half open doorway, staring after her friend, quite content with the world. She steps inside and closes the door. Her voice is heard O.S.

(continuing; cheery)
Guess what, guys? Free for

This news is greeted with GROANS of dismay by the band of heroes.


Oh, not again.

Can't we eat first.

Oh, my heavens.


I don't want to hear it! Who's
your queen?

You are.

Who ruined whose love life for
thirty-seven years?

We did.

Who promised they'd make it all
up to her?


Then get in that bedroom, and I
expect to see some real heroics.

Your majesty, I hate to bring this
up, but I, for one, am getting a
wee bit sore.

I don't want to hear it! Heroes
are supposed to tough it through
the pain. Get in there.

(with resignation)
Yes, your majesty.

There is a brief silence and then the door opens once again. Linnie hangs a small, paper sign on a nail in the center of the door. It is face down.

Linnie is stern faced. She looks from one end of the hall to the other before turning her head towards the camera and looking directly at the audience. A devilish smile lights up her face.

She flips the little sign over. It reads: "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL CHRISTMAS."

Linnie darts back inside and the CAMERA PANS IN TIGHT UPON THE SIGN.

Music swells.


-- THE END --

--Back to Top--

 !  Sidebar Information /
Fan Fiction

Kathy Griffin

In this script, Kathye plays the part of Linnie. To read a brief biography, go to Kathy Griffin >>.

Evangeline (Linnie) Baker has a problem. She is thirty-five years old, and she is still a virgin. It is not Linnie's fault. She is attractive, intelligent and witty. She has a good job as a Boston vice cop, and she really likes men. In fact, since Linnie was in high school, she has tried hard to lose her "unsullied" status; but there seems to be nothing she can do about it. Any time a man starts to feel amorous towards her some bizarre, inexplicable and, often, painful accident befalls him. Eventually, Linnie comes to the conclusion that she is cursed. And, she is right.

When Linnie was only three years old, a pack of six Boston sewer rats placed a magic spell on her designed to keep her a chaste virgin until the day arrived when she could help them return to their true forms. One thousand years ago, a brave band of warrior heroes, accompanied by a neophyte wizard, set out to do battle with an evil sorcerer who was ravaging the British Isles. Unfortunately, they lost.

Linnie discovers the terrible wizard still walks the Earth seeking positions of power where he can cause the greatest harm to the most people. Naturally, in America, he heads a powerful corporate law firm for Wall Street.

Linnie must overcome her life-long fear of rats in order to help this small band of rodent heroes locate the dread sorcerer, break the spell, return to their true human forms and defeat the evil wizard once and for all. Only then can Linnie hope to have a normal love life.

Select any one of the links below to go to another part of
Cursed >> 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

John Leeper is an heirloom tomato farmer, children's author, religious scholar and former Mississippi River rat now living in Northwest Tennessee. Check out his website at www.guruofthegarden.com. Click here to see his full bio. John H. Leeper >>

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