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 !  Harem Scare 'Em, part 1

An Original Comedy Screenplay By

"Farmer" John H. Leeper

** Note - Terms used in spec scripts:
O.S. = Off Screen
V.O. = Voice Over
EST = Establishing Shot
INT = Interior
EXT = Exterior
POV = Point Of View
INSERT = A Camera Shot Usually Focusing On An Object


PART 1.

FADE IN:

EXT. A MIDWESTERN CITY ó NIGHT ó ESTABLISHING ó STOCK

As the credits begin to roll, the audience sees the lights of a small city with a shimmering river in the foreground.

The camera pans along the waterfront until it focuses upon a metal bridge that spans the river.

There are flashing blue and red police car lights on either end of the bridge. The camera pans slowly towards structure.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. METAL BRIDGE ó NIGHT

At one end of the metal bridge a pair of police cruisers are parked with their noses at an angle to each other, blocking traffic. There are three POLICE OFFICERS standing around the cars looking upwards into the metal girders of the bridge overhead.

One of the officers, an OLDER MAN, turns as the camera pans in at eye level. From the look on his face he seems to recognize the person approaching him.

OLDER OFFICER
Iím glad you got here in time.

The camera brushes past the older officer, the cars and the remaining two officers, who glance momentarily in the direction of the person stepping onto the bridge. It is

LARA PRIM,

a muscular, Hollywood goddess dressed in combat gear. She wears a skimpy, tight-fitting jump suit and has a pair of 9 mm pistols strapped to her waist.

Lara strides onto the bridge and stares about with quick jerks of the head and sultry looks. She is haughty and in control.

She yanks both of her pistols from their holsters and cocks the hammers back as though she has every intention of blowing someone away.

Suddenly, from above, a voice cries down to her. It is a young man named JAMIE

JAMIE (O.S.)
Lara! Is that you?

Lara looks up and sees a handsome, muscular young man in Speedo racing swim trunks standing high upon the metal girders, ready to jump to his death in the river below.

Immediately, Lara is overcome with horror, the pistols fall from her hands to the asphalt. The fight has left her.

LARA
No, Jamie, donít do it!

JAMIE IN THE BRIDGE SUPERSTRUCTURE

JAMIE
I have nothing to live for.
LARA
Of course you do. You have
your whole life ahead of you.
JAMIE
What kind of life can I have
after what you did to me?

Lara bites her lip in a demonstration of her deep anxiety.

JAMIE
(bitterly)
You cut off my balls. Why did
you cut off my balls?

Lara ponders this for a few seconds.

LARA
I donít know. I guess I wasnít
thinking.
JAMIE
The only reason I let you do it
was because you promised youíd
marry me!

Lara scratches her forehead and grimaces.

LARA
Well -- yeah, I guess I did.
But that was only because I
wanted to cut your balls off,
and I didnít think youíd let
me if I didnít promise to
marry you. Donít you see?

The young man first whimpers and then begins to bawl his eyes out.

JAMIE
You lied to me. You lied to
me so you could -- have your
way with me. Then, you tossed
me aside as though I counted
for nothing. Like some old
pair of tennis shoes.

Lara shrugs indifferently.

LARA
Hey, letís face it. With
your balls cut off, what
good are you to me?

The young man howls in grief. Then, he looks down at her through tear-streaked eyes.

JAMIE
What did you do with them?
LARA
I think -- I think, I ate
them. You know, they arenít
bad fried in bread crumbs
with a little Parmesan cheese
sprinkled on top.
(she shrugs towards
the jumper)
Sorry. I really like fried
foods, you know. But the
producers wonít let me have
any because I gain so much
weight.
(she makes a ridiculous
mocking face)
And women superstars are
supposed to be thin and
muscular. You have no idea
what Iíd do for a box of
Kentucky Fried Chicken
some nights.

The young man covers his face and weeps even louder.

LARA
(continuing)
Hey, look. Iím sorry, okay?
I didnít mean for it to go this
far. I was just a little lonely.
I just needed a little -- you
know -- relief.

The young man stares down at her angrily.

JAMIE
Relief? You relieved me of my
balls. What am I going to do
now. I wonít ever have children
to make my life whole. I have
nothing to live for. NOTHING!
Iím going to jump!
LARA
(panicking)
No, no! Donít do that. Donít
kill yourself.

Trapped, Lara looks down at her feet and rubs the sole of her right boot fretfully against the pavement.

LARA
(dejectedly)
Oh, all right. Iíll marry you.

Another voice suddenly calls down to her from the superstructure of the bridge.

SECOND MAN (O.S.)
Then Iíll jump!

A few feet away from Jamie, a second man is standing on the bridge girders, a handsome fellow who looks like he stepped out of the pages of GQ magazine.

SECOND MAN
You promised youíd marry me,
remember? That night in Cancun
when I let you --
(he covers his eyes
with a free hand)
My god, the things I let you do
to me! Donít you remember?

Lara bites her lip and thinks hard. Finally, a light comes on inside her head.

LARA
Oh, yeah, Cancun --
(her eyes widen
with delight)
Oh, YEAH! That was a great
night. Okay, I guess Iíll
marry you then.

A YOUNG WOMANíS voice cries out in dismay from above.

Another form has appeared in the girders. This is a buxom young lady in a bikini.

YOUNG WOMAN
But you promised youíd marry
me!

Lara stares at the asphalt and has to think about that one. Obviously, she really doesnít recall that particular encounter.

LARA
I did?

LARAíS POV: THE YOUNG WOMAN

YOUNG WOMAN
Donít you remember? I was in
Key West with my boyfriend --
the baseball player at San
Diego State.

REVERSE POV

Lara squints hard and grimaces, trying to jog a reluctant memory.

LARA
No, Iím sorry. That one
doesnít ring a bell.

REVERSE POV

The young girl squeals in emotional pain.

YOUNG WOMAN
I canít believe it. And after
you made me dress up like a
ballerina. And then -- and
then, you and my boyfriend --
ooohhh . . .

The young woman brings a fist to her mouth and bites it.

YOUNG WOMAN
I just canít live with the
thought of what you did to
me. Iím going to jump!

REVERSE POV

Lara instantly panics.

LARA
No. Donít do that! You know,
I think itís coming back to
me now.

Lara winces at this particularly painful memory. She HISSES loudly through her teeth.

LARA
Yeah -- Iíll bet OSHA wouldnít
approve of the way we used
those power tools.

Lara looks up at the female jumper with a look of brutal honesty.

LARA
Listen, I hate to tell you
this, but what I really wanted
was your boyfriend. Okay?

The girlís pathetic wailing grows in volume O.S. and Lara tries to soothe her.

LARA
But you were REALLY a lot of
fun, if that means anything, and
I have to admit you were a good
sport about everything. I mean, I
couldnít help but notice you
didnít sue me. And, I know I
SAID that Iíd marry you. But, at
the time, I thought your boyfriend
was part of the deal, and then, he
broke up with you.

Lara rubs her forehead and stares at the asphalt in self reflection.

LARA
Listen, Iím not proud of what I
did. I know that was wrong.

REVERSE POV

The distraught young woman releases her grip on the iron and prepares to plummet to her death.

YOUNG WOMAN
I just donít want to live
anymore.

BACK TO SCENE

LARA
No. Donít jump! Please. Okay,
okay. Iíll marry you.

From the heights above there is a cacophony of voices shouting protests.

The girders of the bridge are suddenly filled with young men and women who are ready to leap to their deaths.

SIMULTANEOUS DIALOG:

YOUNG MAN NO. 3
But you promised me.
YOUNG MAN NO. 4
No. You said youíd marry me!
YOUNG MAN NO. 5
Iíll kill myself if you marry her.
YOUNG WOMAN
I canít live without you!

BACK TO SCENE

The voices keep repeating these same phrases over and over until Lara has to bury her face in her hands.

She suddenly raises her arms in an appeal, as though to god on high.

LARA
No! No! I donít want any of
you to jump.

An idea appears to take shape in her head.

LARA
Listen, I know what to do!
Iíll marry ALL of you!

The sound of distraught voices from the girders above stops abruptly and the bridge grows quiet.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM OF JANETíS APARTMENT ó NIGHT

Lara comes bolt upright in bed. She is wearing a button up T-shirt. Her chest, neck and face are bathed in sweat as though she had a fever.

Lara tries to catch her breath. Her chest is heaving.

LARA
Oh, my god!

She looks around the room in confusion, as though she doesnít really know where she is, and then, she shakes her head to clear her thoughts and jumps out of bed.

INT. LIVING ROOM OF JANETíS APARTMENT ó NIGHT

Lara dressed in her T-shirt and a pair of shorts goes through an elaborate karate kata in the dark, kicking at the air, blocking imaginary blows. She is working out the stress.

A door to her left opens and a sleepy JANET CLARK peeps in at Lara. Janet is short, a very cute 40-ish, and wears frumpy pajamas. She looks miffed.

JANET
Hey, house rules. No karate
after one a.m.

Lara stops and stares at her, sweat dripping off her forehead.

LARA
Sorry. I couldnít sleep.
I had a bad dream.
JANET
(yawning wearily)
Jamie, jumping off the bridge
again?
LARA
(nodding sadly; distraught)
They were all there. They were
all going to jump. Everybody I
ever asked to marry me.
JANET
I take it you were in San
Francisco? The only bridge THAT
big is the Golden Gate.
LARA
Itís not funny.

Janet desperately searches a nearby coffee table until she finds a packet of cigarettes. She fishes out a lone cigarette and lights up.

JANET
You know, youíre right. Itís not
funny, because every time another
one of your fiancťs gets serious
about being sexually molested for
the rest of his life, you end up
at my apartment, and I donít get
any sleep.

She closes her eyes, takes a long, deep, fulfilling drag and then exhales.

JANET
I forgot to ask. Whoís pushing
for a wedding date this time --
Bruce Cannon?

Lara shakes her head sadly.

LARA
Hudson. He must have left fifty
messages on my answering machine
yesterday.

Janet squints thoughtfully and scratches the back of her head.

JANET
Hudson? Hudson?

A light dawns and Janetís face instantly acquires a deeply troubled expression.

JANET
(softly)
The kid you picked up at that
club with the false I.D.? Heís
seventeen.
LARA
He looked older.
JANET
Donít they all when theyíre
tied naked to a bed?
(disgusted and
alarmed)
Trust me. In a courtroom, wearing
clothes, heís going to look a LOT
different to you. Iím your lawyer.
I know about things like that.

Janetís demeanor mutates from alarm into anger.

JANET
You didnít see him again, did
you? I told you a month ago
to have absolutely no contact
with him. Heís still a minor
and youíre more than ten years
older than him. Thatís a
criminal offense.

Janet eyes Lara narrowly who reacts by returning to her karate routine.

Janet storms across the room and catches Lara by the wrist as she executes a block. They exchange angry stares.

JANET
You saw him, didnít you?

Lara takes her eyes away from Janet and stares at the floor.

JANET
(deeply concerned)
What happened?

Lara wonít return her friendís gaze. She is obviously embarrassed.

LARA
I was driving in Redondo Beach
and he came up to me on his
skateboard.
JANET
Did you take him home?

Lara nods in silence.

JANET
(looking angry)
Did anyone see the two of you
together?

Lara shakes her head, no.

JANET
Are you sure?

Lara yanks her arm free angrily.

LARA
No one saw us.

Janet crushes her cigarette out angrily and storms across the room away from Lara.

JANET
Thank god for that!

She turns and scowls at Lara.

JANET
I thought you and Bruce Cannon
were engaged. What happened to
that?

Lara screws her face into a look of disdain.

LARA
Bruce is such a big baby. Did
you know he made me take him to
a hospital?
JANET
(stunned)
A hospital?
LARA
(disdainfully)
You should have heard him. He
was just whining and crying.
Over what? A little acupuncture?
God, heís such a drama queen.
JANET
Acupuncture? You stuck needles
in your boyfriend?
LARA
Just a couple.
(a beat)
Maybe five.
JANET
(horrified)
What? Do you think youíre Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman? My god,
Lara, did the thought ever
cross your mind that might
qualify as abnormal behavior?

Lara scrunches her face into a thoughtful look. Obviously, it hasnít.

Janet shakes her head in dismay.

JANET
God, why do men let you do
these things to them?
LARA
I donít know. I guess they like
the rough stuff.
JANET
I must like it too. Iíve been
your lawyer for the last seven
years.

Janet raises her arms towards the ceiling as though pleading with god on high for wisdom.

JANET
Jesus, Lara. Youíre not a woman!
Youíre a man with cleavage. And
if you were a man, youíd be the
poster boy for everything N.O.W.
hated about the opposite sex!
Dammit, Lara. What is the matter
with you?
LARA
(pained expression)
I donít know . . .
JANET
And can I assume you asked young
Hudson to marry you in the midst
of some monumental act of sexual
depravity?
LARA
It was just -- you know -- he
has such a great body and heís
just -- I donít know --
(pleading)
-- a lot more durable than Bruce.
I thought to myself. Hey, thatís
what I really need in a man --
durability.
JANET
(furious)
No, what you REALLY need is
EXTENSIVE psychiatric therapy!
LARA
I told him I wanted him to go to
college first.
JANET
(cynically)
Well, that was very responsible
of you, Lara. You can take him
out for an ice cream cone if he
makes an A, or you can chain him
up and horse whip him if he
doesnít. Kind of an Oedipus-
soccer mom sort of a thing.

Lara sits heavily on an adjacent stool, rests her elbows on her knees and cradles her face in her hands.

LARA
(muttering in despair)
Itís just -- he looks so much
like Jamie.

Janet softens a bit and sighs heavily.

JANET
Ah yes -- Jamie. It always comes
back to your high school sweetheart
and that bridge, doesnít it? For
crying out loud, Lara, he went to
the University of Colorado as a
platform diver. He won a medal
in the A.A.U. competitions. Jamie
never meant to kill himself over
you. He was just trying to
manipulate you.

Lara looks distant as she recalls the dream. She is almost ashen in the face.

LARA
(furtive whisper)
This time, he said I cut his
balls off.

That gets raised eyebrows from Janet.

LARA
And then I ate them -- with
Parmesan cheese! What do you
think that means?

Janet stares at Lara with an absolutely deadpan expression and speaks in a matter-of-fact tone.

JANET
It means you flunked home ec.
Every girl knows that male
testicles are much better with
a sharp cheddar.
LARA
No, Iím serious! I saw this
show on the Discovery Channel
about dreams . . .

Lara looks at Janet with a pleading expression.

LARA
Do you think I made Jamie gay?
JANET
You did NOT make Jamie gay,
okay? He just decided heíd
rather be molested by men
instead of a woman. I believe
thatís where the Foreign Legion
had its origin.

Lara again buries her face in her hands.

Janet stares at her for a beat and then her brow knits into a look of deep concern.

JANET
You didnít REALLY cut off his
balls did you?

Lara looks up.

LARA
Huh? Oh, no -- I mean, there
was this time when I had these
plastic rings and we . . .

Janet instantly tosses her hands into the air.

JANET
No, no -- no, no, no. I donít
want to hear this. I DONíT
want to hear it. You can keep
your fetishes to yourself,
thank you very much.

Disgusted, Janet picks up a clock and stares at the face.

JANET
Good grief, Lara, itís almost
three a.m. You need some sleep.
You have a studio call tomorrow.
LARA
(whining)
Iím afraid to sleep. I might
have that dream again.
(looking hopeful)
Can I bunk in with you?

Janet raises here eyes in disgust and sighs bitterly.

JANET
I always wondered what it would
be like to have children of my
own, and then fate gave me you
for a client.

Janetís look of disgust eventually gives way to a fatalistic resignation as she stares into Laraís ďlost childĒ face.

JANET
(a heavy sigh)
Alllll rightee, then.
(a beat)
Come on.

Janet turns dejectedly towards her bedroom door.

Lara brightens as she follows her friend.

INT. JANETíS BEDROOM ≠ NIGHT

Janet crawls into the queen-sized bed and lies on her side, looking a bit sullen, her back to Lara.

Lara slips into the opposite side of the bed and lies on her back. She crosses her hands over her stomach and stares up at the ceiling.

Janetís head suddenly pops up from the pillow and she speaks to Lara over her shoulder.

JANET
And, by the way, no -- you know
-- self indulgence or anything
like that. Iím a little
nauseous after the needle thing.
(with disgust)
God.

Janetís head again drops to the pillow.

Lara looks quite serious.

LARA
How will I get to sleep then?

Janetís head snaps up again.

JANET
Count sheep!

Lara lies still for a moment then she asks:

LARA
Will you tell me a story?

Janet swats her friend with a loose pillow.

JANET
Go to sleep!

There is a long pause as Lara and Janet close their eyes and the two women lie still.

LARA
(softly)
One sheep -- two sheep --
three sheep . . .

Janet grins like a little girl and hammers Lara with the pillow a second time.

JANET
Good grief.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. STUDIO OF A TELEVISION NEWS SHOW ó DAY

An anchorwoman named, JULIE NORTH for a television news show called ďEYE SPY ENTERTAINMENT,Ē stands before a blue screen that bears the programís logo.

JULIE NORTH
This is Julie North with Eye
Spy Entertainment, bringing you
the juiciest gossip on your
favorite Hollywood stars; and
we have an exclusive scoop for
our listeners today.

The logo dissolves and promotional headshots of Lara and Bruce appear on the blue screen behind her.

JULIE NORTH
It seems the much publicized
engagement between Hollywood
heart throb Bruce Cannon and
female action star Lara Prim
is, apparently, over. And it
seems this breakup had a really
seamy -- or steamy, side to it.
Bruceís publicity agent, MARK
DEVON, made it official when one
of our roving eyes discovered
that Bruce has been hiding in
Devonís Beverly Hills home for
much of the week, recovering
from what appears to be injuries
inflicted by his bride to be.

The promo shots vanish and video rolls. A thin, balding Mark Devon -- a stereotype of the Hollywood agent -- hurries up a sidewalk in a suburban neighborhood pursued by a news camera. Devon looks annoyed.

CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
(breathless)
Isnít it true that Bruce Cannon
was hospitalized after a fight
with Lara Prim? Is the wedding
off?

Devon stops abruptly and turns. He appears furious.

His expletives are deleted on air by loud BLEEPS.

DEVON
Youíre damned right the wedding
is off.
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
(rapid fire)
Did Mr. Cannon exchange blows
with Ms. Prim?

Devon points a finger in the air like a punctuation mark.

DEVON
Bruce never laid a hand on that
(BLEEP!). All he did was defend
himself. That crazy (BLEEP!)
needs to be locked up!

Devon turns and storms away from the cameraman.

The blue screen changes to a still photo taken of the exterior of a hospital emergency ward. A limousine is parked there and a man in a wheelchair is being escorted towards it.

JULIE NORTH
Our ever-watchful eye found
this photo of Bruce Cannon
outside the emergency room of
a private hospital in Laguna
Beach where he was apparently
taken by a woman matching the
description of Lara Prim. One
of our reporters discovered
that Mr. Devonís story of the
alleged fight between Bruce and
Lara may actually have a more
sordid side to it.

The photo changes to video footage of a young and obviously nervous HISPANIC MAN, who speaks with a thick street-Latino accent. He has a thin mustache and hair oiled back to his scalp. He appears to be standing in an alley. He constantly gestures with his hands and glances to and fro as he talks to the camera.

HISPANIC MAN
You know, man, I got this
friend who works in the
emergency room. Sheís like
a nurseís aide or something.
She told me this movie star
guy named Bruce Carson . . .
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
Bruce Cannon?
HISPANIC MAN
Yeah, thatís it, man. That
was his name. Only, he signed
in like heís John Smith or some
kinda shit, you know? But my
friend knew him.

The Hispanic Man gestures at his torso.

HISPANIC MAN
Like, he had all these marks
all over him sorta like your
momma leaves when she whips
you with a belt or something.
You know what Iím talking
about, man?

He leans towards the camera as though to share an intimate secret. His voice drops to a near whisper and he points with both index fingers towards his groin.

HISPANIC MAN
And someone stuck him with
needles too, man. You know
-- like down there.

The Hispanic Man leans back from the camera, shakes his head and screws his face into a look of extreme disgust.

HISPANIC MAN
These Hollywood stars, you
know, theyíre sick puppies,
man.

The man shudders violently and utters a groan of horror.

HISPANIC MAN
Whooooooo . . .

Again the blue screen switches abruptly. Lara is dressed in a very skimpy outfit made of animal skins. She wields a quarterstaff. A dozen men attack her and she renders them unconscious with blows from the wooden staff, karate kicks and punches.

JULIE NORTH
Lara Prim, who is currently
filming her newest action movie,
ďThe Amazon Queen,Ē could not
be reached for comment, but
her lawyer, Janet Clark, had
this to say about her clientís
role in the alleged Bruce
abuse scandal.

Janet appears on the screen dressed in a professional business suit. She is animated and dogmatic.

JANET
These are all spurious and
totally groundless allegations
meant to tarnish the good name
of my client. Lara is a hard-
working professional actress
with a healthy sex life no
different from that of any
other woman in America.

CUT TO:

INT. BOARDROOM OF A LAWYERíS OFFICE ≠ DAY

Janet and Lara sit across a long, mahogany table from Bruce Cannon and a battery of high-priced lawyers. The scowls on all the faces indicates this is a less-than-cordial negotiating session.

Bruce sits against a back wall with four legal counselors screening him.

The LEAD LAWYER for Bruce is a heavy-set man with a salt-and-pepper beard.

BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER
My client has suffered
irreparable harm from the
vicious sexual assault
committed by your client,
Ms. Clark.

Janetís facial expression and upraised hands scream, ďObjection, your honor!Ē

JANET
Hold it right there, counselor.
Sexual assault intimates criminal
behavior on the part of my
client, and that is NOT the case
here. No charges have been filed
and at best we have a loverís
spat on our hands.
BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER
(incredulous)
Loverís spat? My client had to
be hospitalized overnight. It
took him more than a week to
recover from your clientís savage
beating. He was in the middle of
filming for Paramount and can be
held financially liable for the
delays in production.
JANET
Really? Well, maybe he needs
better legal advice because he
shouldnít have signed a contract
with a clause like that.
BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER
(in a huff)
See here Ms. Clark . . .
JANET
No, you see here counselor . . .

The two attorneys break into a heated legal and personal argument that softens to background noise as Lara leans to the right and looks beyond a distracted female lawyer who appears to be screening Bruce from her.

She catches Bruceís eye and immediately leans forward with a pouting sincerity written on her face.

LARA
Why are you doing this, baby?
Why are you doing this to us?

Bruce immediately becomes nervous and looks away from her.

LARA
You know I love you. You just
get me all excited, thatís all.
(growing hunger
in her eyes)
I just look at you and get
excited.

Angrily, the lead lawyer points at Lara, raises his voice and forcefully ends the personal bickering.

BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER
Ms. Clark -- control your client.
LARA
(to Bruce; pleading)
Come on, baby, look at me.
BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER
(near a shout)
Control your client!

Janet turns quickly towards Lara and snaps:

JANET
Lara, stop it! Stop it! Sit
there and please keep your
mouth shut!

Lara looks at Janet sullenly but obediently settles back into her chair.

The lead lawyer is incensed.

BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER
It is impossible to calculate
the mental anguish my client
has suffered as a result of what
your client did to him.
JANET
But Iíll bet weíre going to try
and arrive at a number, arenít
we?
BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER
(red-faced)
He may never recover emotionally
or mentally from this vicious
sexual assault. Furthermore, it
has come to my clientís attention
that while he has prepared in
good faith for their wedding,
your client saw fit to have
affairs with four other men --
one of them a minor.

Lara drops her chin and stares blankly at the tabletop, her brow knit in deep contemplation. The lead lawyer continues his tirade as she counts on her fingers. Ultimately, she appears satisfied that he is right about the number.

BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER (V.O.)
My client has been lied to by
your client, he has been defamed
and he has been abused physically
and sexually for her sadistic
pleasure. In short, counselor --
we demand BOTH a formal apology
to the press AND financial
restitution.

Janet calmly reaches into an open briefcase on the floor beside her chair, produces a video cassette and slaps it hard onto the tabletop.

JANET
In short counselor -- if we go
to court --
(tapping the cassette
with an index finger)
THIS becomes exhibit A.

All eyes in the room fall on the black cassette. Even Lara appears surprised.

JANET
Itís a secret taping made of
one of my clientís and your
clientís sexual soirees.

Janet brings the fingers of her hands to her mouth and mocks Bruce in a high-pitched voice.

JANET
Oh, Lara, beat me harder. You
know I love it. Yes! Yes!
Pour hot wax on my nipples.

Janetís glare suddenly hardens, and she pitches the video back into the briefcase.

JANET
Just wait until the Disney
executives get a load of the
all-American boy over there.
On the other hand, my clientís
stock should go through the
roof. Her entire career is
based on the bad girl thing.

The lead lawyer is livid.

BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER
(whisper of rage)
If that tape is ever made
public Iíll sue your client
for every dollar she has.
JANET
Since thatís what your client
is threatening right now, why
wait? Letís put it on the
Internet tomorrow . . .

Janet casually reaches into her briefcase and produces a series of eight-by-ten-inch, black-and-white photos.

JANET
Along with these.

She pitches them onto the tabletop.

JANET
I was sold these by a paparazzi.
It shows your client just two
days before this incident,
shacking up with an airline
stewardess he met on a recent
flight to New York.

Lara snatches up one of the photos and stares at it open-mouthed. She is in shock.

LARA
What?
JANET
So, it would seem neither of our
clients practices monogamy.

The whites of Laraís eyes show as her facial expression changes from disbelief to a blind rage.

She bolts to her feet, kicking away the heavy chair she is sitting in, causing it to fall over, and stares at Bruce as though she has every intention of killing him.

LARA
You maggot! You were cheating
on me?

Bruce jumps to his feet and points at Lara accusingly.

BRUCE
You were screwing four other
guys while you were engaged
to me.
BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER
Bruce, calm down.
LARA
Well, if you could keep it up a
little longer, pretty boy, I
wouldnít need them.

Bruce makes the mistake of jumping to his feet as though he intends to lunge across the table at Lara.

Rather than retreat, she tosses the photo aside and assumes a karate stance, right fist at her chin, left hand extended with open fingers.

Realizing he has made a tactical error, Bruce recoils.

A pair of his attorneys also spring to their feet and beat a hasty retreat.

LARA
Try me, and youíll be singing
with the Vienna Boyís Choir!

Laraís extended left hand is turned palm up and she slowly motions with her fingers as though crushing an orange. There is an animal snarl on her lips.

From the horrified look on Bruceís face, he gets the message.

Janet hops to her feet and stands at Laraís side. Her fiery expression indicates she wants obedience from her client immediately.

JANET
Lara! Get control of yourself
and sit down in that chair --
and I mean right now!

Lara is trembling with hate. The knuckles of her clinched right fist are white. But when she looks into Janetís determined eyes, the spasm of rage begins to subside.

Janetís eyes are fixed on Laraís.

JANET
Sit down, Lara -- now.

Lara lowers her hands and retreats towards the back wall where she angrily rights the chair she overturned and sits in it heavily and in a very unladylike fashion.

JANET
(to Bruceís attorneys)
Mr. Cannon and my client both
have things to hide in their
personal lives. Bruised egos
aside, it would be best for
their economic futures if those
matters were never aired publicly.

Janet places both palms firmly on the tabletop. Now, she is the one dictating the terms.

JANET
I have another story to tell the
press -- one we can all live with,
I believe.
(she pauses for effect)
My client will admit publicly
that she and your client had an
altercation and she attacked him.
Immediately stricken with remorse,
she drove him to a hospital where
he received medical attention.
She will agree to anger management
counseling and issue a public
apology.
(a beat)
No money.

Lara bolts to her feet again and this time her invectives are aimed at Janet.

LARA
Apology? To this jerk? Are you
shitting me?

Janet whirls angrily and raises an index finger between their faces. Her voice is quiet but obviously strained.

JANET
Sit down, Lara, and shut up.

Bruce appears interested in this new alternative. He has the air about him of a man wronged, seeking revenge.

BRUCE
She has to beg me to come back
to her.

Lara again flies into a rage and starts to circle Janet as though she intends to jump the table and beat Bruce senseless.

LARA
Beg a worm like you? Iíll rip
your puny little . . .

But Janet bars her path and brings her face to within inches of her clientís.

JANET
(shouting)
Sit down! Sit down! Sit down,
and shut up, or go get another
lawyer.

This hits Lara like cold water on a fire. Her rage instantly dissipates in a puff of ugly smoke.

JANET
(grim resolution)
I mean that.

Chest heaving, Lara looks at Bruce angrily, but retreats to the back wall.

Bruce is looking very smug now.

JANET
(coldly to Bruce)
You have a very expensive lifestyle,
Mr. Cannon, brought to you by a
wholesome farm boy image that both
of us know is pure bullshit. If I
were you, Iíd be real careful how
far I pushed this, and Iíd listen
very closely to my attorney.
(to Bruceís lead lawyer)
Weíre leaving. The ball is in your
court.
(turning to Lara)
Come on, Lara.

Still enraged, Lara turns on her heel and storms through the door ahead of Janet.

As Janet reaches the doorway, Bruceís lead lawyer calls after her.

BRUCEíS LEAD LAWYER
The question is, how believable
would your client be in front
of the press?

Janet whirls and gives him a stare that would indicate he had leveled some sort of personal insult at her.

JANET
Lara is one of the GREAT
actresses in Hollywood --
the schlock they give her to
work with aside. When sheís
finished, the Pope would grant
her absolution and your client
will be the noble hero.

Bruceís lead lawyer doesnít appear to completely believe this assertion, but he nods in assent.

Janet exits.

EXT. SIDEWALK IN L.A. BUSINESS DISTRICT ≠ DAY

Lara is furious. She storms down the sidewalk outside a high-rise office building in Los Angeles, pausing only to kick the hell out of a public trashcan.

Janet tries to catch up, but her short legs are no match for Laraís long strides.

JANET
(pleading)
Lara, stop.

Lara ignores her. She walks past a sidewalk newsstand where a middle-aged VENDOR peers over stacks of newspapers and magazines through half-closed eyes.

Something at the stand catches her eye and causes a delayed reaction. Lara stops abruptly and returns to the kiosk. She picks up an entertainment magazine from a bundle lying flat on the main counter.

INSERT: MAGAZINE

The cover of HOLLYWOOD STARS magazine is emblazoned with a large photo of a SMILING BRUCE CANNON wearing a down-home plaid shirt and sporting an Oakland baseball cap.

BACK TO SCENE

In a rage, Lara heaves the magazine at the bewildered vendor who ducks as the periodical bounces off the rear plywood wall scattering pages.

VENDOR
Hey . . .

Lara uses both hands to shove the stack of entertainment magazines off the shelf so they fall to the floor inside the newsstand.

Immediately, she turns and roars up the sidewalk, but the delay has allowed Janet to catch up to her.

Janet catches Lara by the elbow who abruptly wheels and yanks her arm free.

LARA
How dare you say I have to
apologize to him. The bastard
cheated on me!

Janet cocks her head to one side in Valley Girl fashion.

JANET
Uhhh -- he cheated on you with one.
You cheated on him with four.
LARA
Itís not the same thing. He promised
me heíd be loyal. I never said
anything like that to him.

A pair of young teen fans, a SPIKE-HAIRED BOY and SIXTIES GIRL, approach smiling. The spike-haired boy carries a pen and small spiral notebook in his hand.

Lara is focused on Janet.

LARA
And since when do I need anger
management?

Lara wheels only to find her way is blocked by the pair of teen fans.

The spike-haired boy holds the pad and pen up to her.

SPIKE-HAIRED BOY
Could I have your autograph?

Lara doubles a fist and shouts into the youthís face.

LARA
Get out of my way or Iíll shove
that pen up your ass!

The pair of fans scurry away in fear.

A sign to the right catches Janetís eye. She grabs Lara by the arm and tries to drag her towards it.

Once more, Lara resists, but Janet is determined now to put and end to this tantrum. She grabs Lara again and forcibly pulls her O. S. right.

INT. TABLE IN A RESTAURANT BAR ≠ DAY

Janet and Lara are huddled in a darkened corner of a small restaurant bar. They are at a two-seat table perched atop a pair of high chairs.

A MALE WAITER in a starched white shirt and white linen apron approaches holding a tray of drinks. He sets three shot glasses of vodka down in front of Lara and a cup of coffee before Janet.

JANET
Thank you.

Janet drops a large bill on his tray.

MALE WAITER
Iíll get your change.

Janet waves her hand politely to indicate he can keep the money as a tip.

MALE WAITER
Thank you.

No sooner does the waiter turn to leave than Lara snaps up the shot glasses, one after the other, and downs them Russian style, in single gulps.

She coughs and holds the back of her right wrist to her mouth. Her eyes water, as the burn slowly crawls to her stomach.

JANET
(displeased)
Better now?

Lara nods in silence.

JANET
On the brighter side, this is
the first time weíve walked
away from one of your broken
engagements without leaving a
sizeable chunk of change on
the table.
LARA
(sullenly)
Itís so humiliating.
JANET
Exactly. You hurt Bruceís ego
and he wants to humiliate you.
But after the humiliation, youíre
free of Bruce and you still own
your condo in Laguna Beach.

That does make some sense to Lara, who grimaces in grudging agreement.

JANET
Iíll write the script for you,
and Iím going to set up the news
interview. I want you to promise
me youíll give it your best
performance.

Lara shrugs indifferently, then looks up from the table with a troubled face.

LARA
Do I have to go to some bullshit
anger management thing?
JANET
You SHOULD go to some bullshit
anger management thing --
(a beat)
-- but no. Thatís just show and
tell.

Lara blows hard in relief. She picks up a pair of her shot glasses and begins clicking them together aimlessly.

Janet sips her coffee and stares with deep concern at her client and friend.

JANET
(firmly)
I WOULD like you to go get
some counseling for this
sex addiction.

Lara stops clicking the glasses and looks up her friend instantly. At first she appears startled and then her face acquires a puzzled expression.

LARA
Addiction? What? A little S
and M?
JANET
Tying some man up and torturing
him isnít my idea of a healthy
relationship, Lara.
LARA
Itís not torture. You donít
understand.
JANET
I understand you put Bruce
Cannon in a hospital.

Lara raises the pair of shot glasses shoulder high, a flippant gesture of someone unfairly accused.

LARA
Hey, I made a little mistake.
I got a little carried away.
It wonít happen again. Okay?
(a beat)
What do you think? He didnít
want me to do that to him?
JANET
Did he ask you to stop?

Lara looks through the bottom of the shot glasses as though they are a pair of bifocals. She is beginning to feel the effects of the vodka.

LARA
They always beg you to stop.
Thatís part of the game. They
donít mean it.

Janet hammers her index finger emphatically on the tabletop.

JANET
Stop means stop. No means no.
Thatís normal, Lara.

Lara whacks the glasses down hard on the table, bottoms up, and looks scornfully at Janet.

LARA
And who in America wants normal?
If I settled for normal, Iíd be
pregnant and driving some snotty-
nosed little brat to his soccer
class right now. Normal gets you
nowhere.
(a beat)
Americans want extreme and thatís
how I have sex. Dominationís a
rush. Itís like when you go
skydiving or bungee jumping for
the first time. Thereís nothing
like it. Itís sex times ten.

From the way Janet wrinkles her nose and forehead, it would appear an invisible dagger has just been thrust through her skull. She drops her chin to her chest and shakes her head slowly from side to side. Her voice becomes an anguished mumble.

JANET
Whatever happened to growing old
with the same man youíve slept
beside for thirty years?
(a beat)
What happened to long, romantic
walks on the beach or sitting on
a porch swing and watching your
grandkids play in the yard?
(a beat)
Whatever happened to a man putting
his arms around your neck and
whispering in your ear he loves
you?
(two beats)
Whatever happened to simple human
affection?

Lara has been quietly attentive while Janet mused aloud.

Janet raises troubled eyes and stares at Lara as though she is seeking mystical wisdom from a prophet.

LARA
(blurting in
excitement)
Did you REALLY get a video of me
and Bruce doing it? Because, if
you did, I want a copy.

Janet canít find words sufficient to express her depth of despair. She stares mutely at Lara who is obviously aroused by the prospect of watching her own pornographic home movie.

Janet shakes her head slowly.

JANET
(softly)
No. It was just a blank tape.

Lara is genuinely disappointed.

Janet pushes the coffee aside and stands.

JANET
(softly; with
resignation)
Alllll rightee, then.
(two beats)
Iím going back to my apartment.
I need some rest. I would very
much appreciate it if you found
something to do with your time
that did NOT involve the
opposite sex.
(pleading)
I mean buy a vibrator powered by
a Briggs and Stratton engine if
you have to, but stay away from
men for a little while, would
you please?

Janet exits leaving an unhappy Lara sitting at the small table alone.

CUT TO:

INT. PRIVATE GYMNASIUM ó DAY

A HEAVY BAG hangs inside a private womenís gymnasium. Lara pounds it in frustration with wicked kicks and punches. Her wrists are taped beneath a pair of black bag gloves and she wears low-cut tennis shoes. Sweat stains the gray of her loose jogging shirt and gathers in a cloud of droplets on her brow. She is working out the frustration.

Another member of the club walks by in the b. g., a towel draped around her neck, stops upon seeing Laraís furious onslaught and studies her from behind. This blonde, sultry beauty with artificially thick lips is GLENDA.

For a few seconds, Glenda studies Lara, chewing gum like a cow with a cud. She watches the bag bounce gingerly from side to side with the force of Laraís blows and abruptly chooses to lend a hand. Glenda walks over to the heavy bag and grips it on the side opposite Lara.

Lara pauses. She is surprised by the unexpected assistance. Without a word she resumes her hard-hitting workout but now the bag is more stable.

Glenda pops the gum in her mouth loudly as she and the heavy bag tremble from the power of Laraís intermittent kicks.

GLENDA
You broke up with Bruce, huh?

Lara stops and gives Glenda a suspicious glare. Her chest is heaving. She is soaked in sweat.

LARA
Whereíd you hear that?
GLENDA
(smugly)
I figured the two of youíd
break up pretty soon.

Laraís face loses any expression of feigned civility.

GLENDA
Hey, Iíve been watching you for
a long time. Every time the
wedding date gets close, you bail.

The darkness in Laraís eyes tells Glenda she may be the next target instead of the heavy bag.

LARA
If I were you, Glenda, Iíd learn
to mind my own business. Starting
right about now.

Glenda retreats from the heavy bag and raises her arms in an gesture of surrender.

GLENDA
Easy now. I didnít come over here
for a fight. I know you can kick
my ass.
(a beat)
I just want to help you, okay? I
know what the problem is. Iíve
been there.

Lara drives her right foot forward like a fencing expert and delivers a wicked right hook to the heavy bag that causes it to bounce on its chain anchor. She then gives Glenda a menacing glare.

LARA
Where do you think youíve been?
GLENDA
When I was the hot product out
here in La La Land, there were
lots of guys hanging around who
wanted a piece of me. But the
longer I was around them, the
more the little things they did
bugged me. You know what I mean?

From the way Lara stares emptily at the heavy bag, quietly tapping it with a glove, she obviously does.

GLENDA
Then I found Jesus.

Lara rolls her eyes in despair.

LARA
(muttered in disgust)
Oh Jesus.
GLENDA
Listen, Lara, it changed me. After
I found Jesus, I stopped worrying
about all the things I didnít have.
LARA
Iíd rather be dead than give up
sex,okay? Count me out on
religion.
GLENDA
(baffled)
Who said anything about giving
up sex? Since my boyfriend and
I gave our hearts to Jesus,
weíve had better sex than we ever
did before.

Glenda now has Laraís undivided attention.

GLENDA
Listen, youíve got Jesus all wrong.
He left us these magic words from
god, see, and if we know how to use
them, only good things happen to us.

Laraís brow wrinkles in consternation. Sheís never heard this version of the gospel before.

LARA
You mean like ďopen sesame?Ē
GLENDA
(a thoughtful
nod)
Yeah, I guess itís a little like
that.
(a beat)
When you say, ďJesus, come into my
heart,Ē everything you ever did
wrong goes right out the window.
You get a clean slate.
(a beat)
Thatís what the Bible says.
LARA
So, thatís it. Thatís all you
have to do?
GLENDA
Well, youíre supposed to go to
church every now and then and say
your prayers and shit like that.

Lara retreats to a nearby bench and sits down heavily.

Glenda joins her.

LARA
But I like -- you know -- to get
a little rough with my men. I
thought hurting people was
supposed to be a bad thing.
GLENDA
Oh, hell no, not if theyíve done
something wrong. Youíre supposed
to chastise the wicked. The Bible
says that too.
(a beat)
I make my boyfriend confess all of
his sins to me, and then I punish
him so he wonít have to go to hell.
Itís the merciful thing to do. He
always thanks me when weíre finished.
Then we have great sex.

Lara finds this theological approach quite attractive.

LARA
Really? So, like itís okay to hurt
people?
GLENDA
Sure, Jesus even lets you kill people.
Christians do that all the time.
LARA
I donít want to kill anybody. I just
want to . . .
(ponders the right
choice of words)
. . . chastise the wicked.
GLENDA
(speaking like a
true believer)
And maybe thatís godís plan for your
life, Lara.

Lara is smitten with this concept.

LARA
Iíd like to learn a little more
about this religion business. You
know anybody who is kind of an
authority or something?
GLENDA
All the smart ones have their own
cable shows.

INT. LARAíS LAGUNA BEACH CONDO ≠ LIVING ROOM ≠ DAY

Lara sits in her condo on the edge of a plush sofa scanning channels on her wide-screen television. She stops on a religious talk show. It is a panel discussion.

INSERT: TELEVISION SCREEN

PANEL MODERATOR
So, when you really need to find
godís direction in your life,
SISTER LUCY, how do you do it?

Sister Lucy is an enormous black woman who wears a brightly colored tent-like dress. She pats a large, worn, leather-bound Bible in her lap like it is the hand of an old friend.

SISTER LUCY
I go to the only words god ever
left for us.

There is a chorus of ďAmensĒ from the O.S. studio audience.

Sister Lucy holds the opened Bible high above her head in her left arm.

SISTER LUCY
I step outdoors and I hold my
Bible high up in the air so the
breath of god almighty can blow
on its pages.

There are even more ďAmensĒ from the O.S. crowd watching the talk show.

The black woman brings the Bible down to her lap, and, as she does this, places a finger on the columns of text inside it.

SISTER LUCY
Then I place a finger on the verse
god wants me to read, and his word
tells me what to do.

BACK TO SCENE

There is applause from the television audience O.S.

Lara stares into the distance lost in thought.

A look of determination crosses her face. She clicks the off button on the remote, hops up from the bed and goes to a nearby bookshelf where she fishes around for a Bible. When she finally locates it, she must BLOW DUST off of its edges.

Lara turns and walks towards the balcony of her condo.

EXT. BALCONY OF LARAíS CONDO ó DAY

Lara steps out onto the condo overlooking the Pacific Ocean and holds the open Bible high into the air in her left hand. The wind begins to blow, turning the bookís pages.

Lara abruptly sticks a finger onto one of the pages and brings the book down to eye level so she can read it.

LARA
(reading aloud)
And King Solomon had 700 wives.

The perplexed expression on her face proves she obviously missed the divine message in this particular passage.

Lara holds the Bible into the air a second time and again the wind blows its pages.

LARA
(again reading
aloud)
Go thou and do likewise.

Laraís mouth drops open. She is thunderstruck.

LARA
(softy; to herself)
Wow.

-- END PART ONE --

--Back to Top--

 !  Sidebar Information /
Fan Fiction

Jolene Blalock

In this script, Jolene Blalock plays the part of Lara Prim. To read a brief biography, go to Jolene Blalock >>.


Janeane Garofalo

In this script, Kathy Griffin plays the part of Janet Clark. To read a brief biography, go to Kathy Griffin >>.


CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Lara Prim: Jolene Blalock
Janet Clark: Kathy Griffin
Frank Hanlon: David OíHara
Bud, the giant: The Undertaker
Bruce Cannon: Greg Kinnear
Glenda: Traci Lords
Karl Tanner: Dennis Hopper

Rating: PG-13 Mature Audiences, possibly R for adult content & situations


Even for Hollywood, action super star Lara Prim (Jolene Blalock: Star Trek: Enterprise) has a personal life that qualifies as ďover the top.Ē She cannot seem to stop asking men to marry her and then running away before the wedding bells begin to chime. It is a habit that keeps her attorney and loyal friend Janet Clark (Kathy Griffin: Suddenly Susan, A Hot Cup of Talk, Allegedly ) hopping. But Janetís problems with her hormone-charged client reach a new level when Lara concludes that god has spoken to her and given her an order to build a harem on a par with that of King Solomon, the greatest Jewish ruler in the Old Testament. Solomon had 700 wives. She wants 700 husbands. Lara achieves her matrimonial goal only to discover the truth in an old proverb: be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it.

Select any one of the links below to go to another part of
Harem Scare 'Em >> 1 | 2 | 3 | 4


John Leeper is an heirloom tomato farmer, children's author, religious scholar and former Mississippi River rat now living in Northwest Tennessee. Check out his website at www.guruofthegarden.com. Click here to see his full bio. John H. Leeper >>

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