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 !  The Perils of Janeane, part 1

The Many Misadventures of Little Myth JG
An Original Comic Adventure Series By

George "Rusty" Datt

** Note - Terms used in these adventure scripts:
O.S. = Off Screen
V.O. = Voice Over
EST = Establishing Shot
INT = Interior
EXT = Exterior
POV = Point Of View
INSERT = A Camera Shot Usually Focusing On An Object


PART 1.

FADE IN:

INT. JANEANE'S NYC APARTMENT - MORNING

The camera pans around the living room and kitchen, displaying walls festooned with movie, alternative rock, and left wing political posters and paraphernalia, until it focuses on Janeane asleep on the couch in jeans and T-shirt, covered with newspapers and periodicals, i.e. New York Times, Village Voice, Newsweek, etc.

Her dogs approach her, nuzzling and licking her face.

JANEANE
Mmmmm...fuzzy...mushy...annoying.
(She suddenly sits bolt upright.)
Oh my God, I'm shacked up with
James Lipton!
(relieved)
Oh, it's just you guys. I must have dozed
off during Nightline. Ben Stein was guest
hosting. How are my big fellas?
(petting dogs)
I'll bet you're hungry. Chris - Chris?
Wonder where he went? Okay, let's see
what we've got...

She crosses to kitchen, clicks on TV remote as she passes counter. Television plays CBS Morning News in background. She fumbles through cupboards, comes out with sack of dog food. When she pours, nothing comes out.

JANEANE
Sorry, guys. Let's see what else we've got.

She searches some more and stops suddenly when she notices a post-it note stuck to the refrigerator door. She removes it and begins to read.

JANEANE
"Sorry I had to run, babe, but everything
happened too fast. I patched things up
with the band, and they booked a Northwest
tour that looks pretty promising. Most of
the gigs actually spelled our name right,
and some of them don't even have chicken
wire. I think this is finally our big break.
Talk to you later. Love, Chris."
(pouting and touching frazzled blonde hair)
Damn, it must be the hair! I knew I should
have gone for the orange Mohawk.

She balls up note and tosses it angrily. She continues to search for food and finally comes out of cupboard with an opened box of breakfast cereal. She bends over and pours some into dogs' bowl.

The telephone rings and Janeane reaches for it.

JANEANE
Hello?

POINT OF VIEW SHIFTS BETWEEN THE CALLERS

KARA (JANEANE'S AGENT)
Janeane? Kara here. Sorry to get you
up so early, but I booked Bobcat
Goldthwait on Kilborn, so I had
to stand guard backstage with a fire
extinguisher. Before I go home and
crash, I thought we should talk.

JANEANE
Don't like the sound of that. What's up, Kara?

KARA
Not much, I'm afraid. I just downloaded
an e-mail from that telecommunications
company that wanted you for the commercial
campaign. Seems they changed their minds.

JANEANE
Why? I did everything you told me to.
I met with the CEO last week and sold
out big time. I schmoozed him just like
you said. I even wore pantyhose and
crossed my damned legs. Hey, I even
shaved my legs!

KARA
Yeah, but you also just had to co-produce
that documentary about the big PETA
protest last month at Bloomingdale's,
where they shot paint balls at all of
the women in the fur coat department.

JANEANE
Hey, like I told BuzzFlash, I had
absolutely no idea that was going
to happen, or I wouldn't have told
the camera man to help them load the
guns ... But what does that have to do
with anything?

KARA
Remember the fat broad in the white
mink who wound up with the purple
teeth?

JANEANE
Yeah?

KARA
Well, that was the CEO's wife.

JANEANE
Uh-oh...

KARA
It gets worse. That "indie" film you
were making with the NYU grad students
about the gay, militant, alternative
rock band got turned down for its NEA grant.

JANEANE
Why? It was a brilliantly written script
- once you got past the crayon markings.

KARA
Just not edgy enough. Get it through
your head. It's not 1968 anymore. To
sell a flick these days, you've got
have blood and sex and gore - and I br> don't mean that dweeb who lost the
election. Just my opinion, okay, but
this whole new political activist gig
doesn't seem to be getting it done
for you, kid. Bottom line: Chuck
Heston is working more than you right
now, and he puts his teeth in upside
down half the time. Tell you what; lose
the angry Jane Fonda schtick, do something
with that hair that won't scare little kids,
and I'll see about getting you back on
Zoom again.

JANEANE
(angrily)
No way. If I wanted to demean myself
by patronizing a bunch of immature,
little booger machines who think
they're superior just because they're
a couple of inches taller than me, I
never would have quit Saturday Night Live.
(phone buzzes on second line)
Wait, I've got a call on another line.
I'll talk to you later ... Hello?

CUT TO BOB, THE ACCOUNTANT, ON SECOND LINE

BOB
(sleepily)
Janeane? Bob, your accountant here.

POINT OF VIEW CONTINUES SHIFT BETWEEN BOB AND JANEANE

JANEANE
What's up?

BOB
Just crunching numbers. Ouch, that one really
smarted! Ha, ha, you know I considered becoming a
standup before I went into accounting.

JANEANE
(sarcastically)
Wow, that must have been
a tough decision. So tell me some good news, Bob.

BOB
Oh, I wish I could, Janeane.
I'm just calling to inform you
that I've been up all night trying
to figure out your finances.

JANEANE
Oh no.

BOB
Yeah, seems the IRS disallowed that write-off
you took for the big contribution you made to
that Algerian anti-war group.

JANEANE
Why?

BOB
Doesn't exist. Just a mail drop. The guy who
ran it wasn't even Algerian. In fact, he's
not even a guy anymore. Seems he used your
money for a sex change operation and divorced
his wife. But that's not the worst of it. Uh,
have you ever been married?

JANEANE
Yes, but only a couple of times, I think. I
don't really remember. That was before AA.
I married Rob Cohen in Vegas about ten years
ago, but that was just a joke.

BOB
What's funny about that?

JANEANE
I don't know. It was while I was doing
the Larry Sanders show, so my comic instincts
were temporarily paralyzed.

BOB
Yeah, I've heard Rip Torn can do that do you.
But what about this other guy you married
in '99? Who was he?

JANEANE
Oh, that was a different situation. He was
a well-known political dissident. He was
trying to get a green card to avoid
persecution by the Fascist pigs in his
own country.

BOB
So where is he now?

JANEANE
(sheepishly) Um, dead. He sort of ...
didn't survive the honeymoon.

BOB
I'm sorry.

JANEANE
It's okay. He was ninety-five -- but it's not
what you think. I mean, he was so vibrant and
committed to his cause, he didn't look a day
over eighty...

BOB
Okay, that explains it.

JANEANE
(indignantly)
Explains what?

BOB
Umm, seems he published a lot of books in this
country, collected a few foundation grants,
did a guest shot on Baywatch, but never
reported any income for tax purposes; so now
as his sole beneficiary, you have accrued a
substantial back tax liability for income plus
inheritance plus penalties . . .

There is the sound of a calculator whirring in background.

JANEANE
Bob, I haven't eaten my breakfast yet. Just
tell me, how bad is it?

BOB
That's why I called. You're broke. All
of your accounts are overdrawn. In fact,
your credit rating looks like Carrot Top's
hair. Ha, ha, I'm cracking myself up again...

JANEANE
Oh God, are you absolutely sure?

BOB
Actually, when I add up all the figures, you
still owe us $643.82. Uh, do you think we
can expect payment anytime soon?

JANEANE
I'll let you know - I have to go.

Janeane tosses phone aside and turns up television volume.

JANEANE
What a morning. Now I know why they
always shoot a condemned man at sunrise.

INSERT - TELEVISION SCREEN - CBS MORNING NEWS SHOW

Harry Smith and his guest sit in chairs across from each other for interview segment.

HARRY SMITH
Hi, I'm Harry K. Smith, and my special
guest this morning is well-known columnist
and talk show host Bill O'Reilly from Fox
News Network. Good morning, Bill.

POINT OF VIEW SHIFTS BETWEEN JANEANE AND TV SCREEN

Janeane watches television intently while she tries to pour herself a bowl of cereal. Nothing comes out of the box. She shakes the box and then peers into it inquisitively.

BILL O'REILLY
Good morning, Harry. How are you?

HARRY SMITH
Fine, thanks. Nice to have you on the
show again. It seems that recently your
"No-Spin Zone" has been living up to its name.
There hasn't been much controversy stirring in
the journalistic world.

JANEANE
There has to be something around here...

She goes through cupboards again, opens the refrigerator and finds it empty. She turns and stares at the munching dogs for a moment. Finally she kneels down beside them.

BILL O'REILLY
That's because I've been taking a big
stick and beating a lot of these pseudo-
activists out of the brush, Harry.

JANEANE
(sarcastically)
"I'll see about getting you back on
Zoom." How desperate do they think I am?
(to the dogs)
Hey, guys, let me in here.

She reaches into the dog bowl and tries to grab some food, but the dogs block her. She keeps pushing and shoving until she is wedged between both dogs, grabbing cereal with both hands and fighting dogs for food.

HARRY SMITH
Pseudo-activists? What exactly do
you mean by that?

BILL O'REILLY
Well, it's really quite simple, Harry.
Most of the unhealthy political activism
within the news media has been orchestrated
by these overpaid, underqualified, celebrity
activists who are playacting like real
political experts. It's like they're all
trying to audition for the lead in
"Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."

HARRY SMITH
You mean like Janeane Garofalo?

BILL O'REILLY
Exactly. There's a perfect case in point
Hey, everyone knows she's a cute little
girl, but every time she opens that mouth,
she just puts her foot in it deeper. You know,
it's funny, Harry. Before she became a media
activist, no one knew who she was. Now,
nobody cares. That's progress, isn't it?

Both men laugh.

JANEANE
(turning toward television with mouth
full of dry cereal) Wha --? Fwkin' pig!

She jumps up, reaches for the telephone, and spits a mouthful of cereal into the sink. Then she dials frantically.

JANEANE
Hello, operator? Give me CBS news,
right away. Tell them this is Janeane
Garofalo, and I want to be patched into
the morning news show, immediately. Yes,
thank you, I'll hold.

HARRY SMITH
(holding hand to his earpiece)
I believe we have a caller who wants to talk
to our guest. Janeane Garofalo, are you there?

JANEANE
I'm here, Harry. I just wanted to tell
Mr. O'Reilly that, like Mark Twain, the rumors
of my death are greatly exaggerated.

BILL O'REILLY
Janeane, how are you? I believe the last I
heard you were out in New Mexico with your
neo-pagan environmental friends trying to
rescue all of the ground hogs.

JANEANE
Pocket gophers, Bill. They're called pocket
gophers, and they're an endangered species.
In fact, they're in danger of extermination.

BILL O'REILLY
They are if they get in my front lawn.

There is laughter on set.

JANEANE
Real funny, Bill. I wouldn't expect you to
understand, but for those of us with
responsibilities to more people than the
ones who are paying to sponsor our television
programs with their insipid beer and
aftershave commercials, it gets just a
bit more involved. It's all part of the
ecosystem. When even one species like the
pocket gopher becomes extinct there is a
tremendous ecological strain imposed on
the system. There's even a long-term
possibility of disruption to the food chain,
and that's why it's import ---

An operator's voice breaks through on the line.

OPERATOR
...I'm sorry, but this number has been
disconnected due to nonpayment of
outstanding charges.

HARRY SMITH
Janeane? Janeane? Are you still there?

BILL O'REILLY
Do you think she might have a problem
with gophers in her own pockets?

O'Reilly laughs fiendishly.

JANEANE
Hello, hello...Aaagh!

She puts phone down angrily, picks up remote control unit and flings it at television screen. It bounces off and ricochets back to her, striking her in forehead.)

JANEANE
Ouch, dammit!

She rubs her injured head and flops down onto the couch.

JANEANE
Ooooh, I really hate myself!

INT - JANEANE'S APARTMENT - STILL MORNING

Janeane, with a band-aid on her forehead, is searching frantically through her purse, pulling out a variety of objects, i.e., candy, cigarettes, pills, lingerie, cosmetics, hammer, screw driver, studded collar, key chains, etc.

JANEANE
(holding a doggie chew toy
confusedly in her hand)
Cell phone. Where's the damned
cell phone?

One of her dogs approaches with something in his mouth. She trades the animal his chew toy for the slobbery, badly chewed remnants of her cell phone. She holds it up to her face and pushes buttons.

JANEANE
(grimacing)
Oh yuk. Hello? Hello? Lousy American
craftsmanship.
(examines chewed fragment of the cell phone)
Oh well, at least now it stretches
from my ear to my mouth...

She tosses cell phone aside, wipes her hands on the counter and goes back to rooting through purse.

JANEANE
I've got to find some money somewhere...
(pulling more objects from purse)
Matches, matches, lighter, matches,
tissues. Maybe I can start a fire and
collect the insurance money. No, not
enough time. Got to find some change
for the pay phone.

She stops momentarily and fixes her gaze on the couch. Then, she rushes over to the couch, flings cushions aside and starts probing behind the upholstery with her arm, while the dogs roam nearby.

JANEANE
Michael Moore sat down here and
dunked his head in Massengill after
we both got maced at that peace protest
in Central Park. With pants that big,
he had to leave something behind.

She reaches way down into couch and pulls up a wad of something.

JANEANE
Rats, nothing but candy wrappers,
fast-food coupons -- and an NRA card?

She flips the NRA card aside and flops down onto the couch with her fingers on her temples.

JANEANE
Come on, girl. Think. You're a college
graduate. You can figure this out...

Suddenly a light of inspiration comes across her face. She jumps up, snaps her fingers and points at a reclining chair across the room.

JANEANE
Aha! George Will sat in that very
chair one night on his way back from a
Yankees game, and we argued about supply
side economics until Conan came on. He's a fiscal conservative, so you know
he's still got the first penny he
ever earned, plus he's probably been
wearing the same pants for so long
the pockets have to be all worn out.

She rushes over to the chair and sticks both arms behind the seat cushion. Almost immediately, she emerges with two fistfuls of change.

JANEANE
Yes! Yes! Eureka! We finally hit pay
dirt, guys.
(to dogs)
Don't worry. Mommy will be back soon,
and help is on the way.

She exits apartment, still clutching fistfuls of coins.

EXT. NYC STREET - PHONE BOOTH - MORNING

The scene shifts to a phone booth on the street in front of Janeane's apartment. Janeane enters the booth and closes the door behind. A disheveled street person begins to shuffle toward the booth.

JANEANE
Please, God, let him be home...

Janeane begins dialing the telephone number.

OPERATOR'S VOICE
Please deposit an additional two dollars
and seventy-five cents. Thank you.

JANEANE
(depositing coins)
Crap, I'm short. These rotten
telecommunications monopolies,
they gouge the public with no FCC
oversight at . . .

The street person bangs on the door of the booth, with hat in hand, to beg for money. Janeane turns in response, opens the door and takes some coins from the hobo's hat.

JANEANE
Oh, thank you very much. God bless
you, sir.

She reenters the booth and finishes depositing the coins. The hobo turns and leaves in disgust.

INT. BEN STILLER'S BEDROOM - MORNING

The scene shifts to the bedroom of Ben Stiller's Hollywood home. Ben lies asleep in bed next to his wife. The phone on the nightstand rings several times before Ben finally gropes weakly to answer it.

BEN
(sleepily)
Uhh...hello?

SCENE CUTS BETWEEN BEN AND JANEANE

JANEANE
Ben? This is Janeane. Sorry to get
you up so early.

BEN
Uh, yeah...
(glancing at clock on nightstand)
It's just a little past five here in
LA, and I didn't have a studio call
this morning.

JANEANE
Ben, I'm really sorry, but I wouldn't
call if it wasn't urgent.

Ben's wife stirs and rolls over to face Ben talking on the phone.

BEN'S WIFE
Who's that?

BEN
(covering telephone mouthpiece
with his hand)
It's Janeane Garofalo.

BEN'S WIFE
Oh God, what's she protesting now - sleep?

Ben's wife rolls over again and goes back to sleep.

BEN
(removing hand from phone)
What's up?

JANEANE
I'm really tapped out, and I need
to borrow airfare to L. A. I promise
I'll pay you back as soon as I can.
I've still got checks coming from
Crossfire and Countdown, and a few
residuals, even though our doughnut
hole President and his evil flunkies
have been pressuring the cable
companies not to show my films.

BEN
Yeah, sure, but how can you be tapped out?
You made a lot of money in the nineties.

JANEANE
Trust me, Ben. It's hard to explain.
Political activism is a very expensive
lifestyle to maintain. I had to cancel
my standup tour to keep up with the
protests and rallies, I've got oodles
of unreimbursed travel expenses
crisscrossing the country for political
appearances, and of course, there are
always the fines, bail bonds, legal
fees; not to mention the dry-cleaning
bills to get all of those rotten eggs
and chemical deterrent agents out of
your clothes. It just kind of gets
ahead of you after a certain point.

BEN
Uh, yeah, I can imagine. What about
your boyfriend? What's his name -- Craig?
Can't he help out?

JANEANE
No, Craig is ancient history. That was
three - no four guys ago, I can't
remember. My new boyfriend is Chris
Anderson, but he's away on tour, plus
he's kind of struggling with his career.
He's back with the Muckafergusons.

BEN
That's good, that's good. Never hurts to
have a good sturdy pair of shoes when
you're job hunting. Gotta pound that pavement.

JANEANE
No, dipstick. He's a rock musician.
That's the name of the band.

BEN
Oh, yeah, another rock musician. I
should have guessed. Hey, what happened
to that keyboard player, you know, the
guy who went on disability when he got
his nose ring caught in the rest room
blow dryer? He was my favorite.

JANEANE
He finally left when he found out
I wasn't Natalie Merchant. No wait,
that was the one before him --
yeah, now I remember. I broke up
with the nose ring guy after he went out to run an errand and never came
back. He said I was too controlling,
that no guy should have to check in with
his fiancÚ every two and a half years.

BEN
That's too bad.

JANEANE
Actually, he had a pretty good excuse.
He said he went to buy a carton of
cigarettes, and Congress raised the price
so much, he had to go back to school and
get his Master's.

A man in a business suit with a briefcase in hand bangs on booth door with his fist. He displays a watch on his wrist and points to it, to indicate he is in a hurry to make a call. Janeane turns aside and nods to acknowledge him. She looks at her own watch.

JANEANE
It's 8:15 sir. You're welcome.

The man turns away angrily and leans against the booth.

BEN
Okay, well, I'll just phone ahead
and leave the tickets at LaGuardia,
at the will-call counter.

JANEANE
That's great. Oh, and would it be too
much trouble to add an in-flight meal?
I didn't get a chance to grab breakfast.
Make it the vegetarian platter -- unless
they have BLT's.

BEN
Yeah, you and bacon. I remember.
Tell you what, I'll just order the
whole first-class package, and then
you can stuff your purse with extra peanuts
and those little liquor bottles.

JANEANE
(choking up)
You're so sweet; but I don't drink
anymore. I've been to AA.

BEN
Wow, that's great. So you haven't cut
off any fingers recently?

JANEANE
No, at least not my own. It was
a real eye-opening experience, Ben.
When you have to sit through something
like that and watch a lot of other
people dealing with the same problems
you are, it really heightens your
sense of awareness and compassion
to your fellow human beings.

While she is talking, two punks attack a man outside the booth and beat him mercilessly, while she remains completely oblivious.

BEN
I'm sure.

JANEANE
Well, I better run. God, I hate
this traveling. You know, this is the
only city in the country where I really
feel safe and secure.

The victim of the mugging slouches down on his haunches in front of the booth door, while the punks abscond with his valuables.

JANEANE
Thanks again, Ben. You're a lifesaver.
Talk to ya soon.

BEN
(impersonating Bogart)
Here's lookin' at you, kid.

She hangs up, exits the booth and steps nonchalantly over the victim's body.

JANEANE
Pardon me, sir.
(under her breath)
Wow, talk about your type B personalities...

She walks off.

Ben Stiller hangs up the phone from his end. His wife awakes and rolls over to him again.

BEN
What's up?

BEN'S WIFE
I'm awake and I'm horny. Make love to me.

BEN
Uh, okay.

They start to embrace and kiss. Ben pulls away and sits up in bed.

BEN
You know, all of a sudden I'm
feeling hungry. I think I'll just pop
around the corner to Kanter's all-
night deli. Can I bring you anything?

Ben's wife reaches for a pillow and begins to flail him furiously with it.

BEN'S WIFE
Damn you, don't you ever learn anything?!

END PART 1: TO BE CONTINUED...

--Back to Top--

 !  Sidebar Information /
Fan Fiction

Janeane Garofalo drawing by Amy

In this series of adventures, Janeane Garofalo plays the part of Janeane as she searches for a persona to finally call home. To read a brief biography, go to Janeane Garofalo >>.


This episodic comedy, written in the general format of a film script, follows the harrowing adventures of a modern-day Janeane Garofalo as she finds herself pitched by the winds of fate from one wild adventure to another. One moment she is burning down the home of Martha Stewart after a failed attempt to fill the apron of the homemaking diva who is preparing for a sojourn "up the river." The next she finds herself transformed into an Elizabethan era Alice pursued by Wonderland characters with incredible resemblances to members of the George W. Bush administration. Never fear, fans of Janeane. While the little Jersey gal walks through the world leaving chaos and destruction in her wake, she always comes out on top, though not completely unscathed at all times.

Select any one of the links below to go to another part of
Perils >> 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11


Little is known of George "Rusty" Datt. Some rumors place him at the scene of all historical events, important or otherwise, for the past two years. Other rumors say longer.
To learn what little we know, go to George "Rusty" Datt >>

  |   1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11

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