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 !  The Perils of Janeane, part 3

The Many Misadventures of Little Myth JG
An Original Comic Adventure Series By

George "Rusty" Datt

** Note - Terms used in these adventure scripts:
O.S. = Off Screen
V.O. = Voice Over
EST = Establishing Shot
INT = Interior
EXT = Exterior
POV = Point Of View
INSERT = A Camera Shot Usually Focusing On An Object


PART 3.

INT - A HOLLYWOOD SOUNDSTAGE - MID MORNING

(Janeane enters from a backstage door, toting a carry-on bag and eating peanuts from a cellophane packet.)

JANEANE
Damn, you know the economy is bad
when the airlines stop giving out
pistachios.

She suddenly spies a refreshment table stocked with doughnuts and beverages. She immediately drops her bag and rushes over to the table.

Janeane grabs a large powdered doughnut and savors it.

JANEANE
Mmm, I really shouldn't, especially
after all of those nuts and the in-flight
meal, but that vegetarian lasagna
always leaves you a little empty. Oh,
what the hell. Got to make a little
more room.

She reaches back beneath her T-shirt and unhinges her brassiere.

JANEANE
Ahh, that feels better.

She bites into the doughnut and smiles contentedly.

JANEANE
Mmm, Bavarian Crème. One thing you have
to say for those Nazis, they knew their
pastry. Wonder what we've got to wash
it down with...

She fills a cup of coffee from a nearby urn, holds it to her nose intently, then sips it and swills it around inside her mouth like a connoisseur.

JANEANE
Hmm, moderate acidity, muted flavor,
generally lacking in body and overall
balance. Probably an inferior American
blend, vintage '01 or 02, no more than
grade A beans at best, medium brown and
commercially roasted. What I wouldn't
give for a Grande Hazelnut Latte right
about now.

A youngish studio technician approaches her carrying a cell phone in his hand.

TECHNICIAN
Natalie Merchant? Cool! Wow, like what
have you done to your hair?

JANEANE
(obviously annoyed)
It's that London fog. Way too much
ozone.

TECHNICIAN
Oh. I hope you don't mind my saying,
but I don't think you ever should have
left Ten Thousand Maniacs.

JANEANE
(sarcastically, while eating
and sipping coffee)
Well, I didn't want to, but after the
first nine thousand, I could tell it
just wasn't going to work out.

TECHNICIAN
Yeah...well, anyway, I'm supposed to
be looking for this Janette Garfolalo
chick, or whatever her name is. She's
got a phone call.

JANEANE
I'll take it. Trust me, I'm very close
friends with Janette. We've shared most
of the same drummers.

She motions to the technician to tuck phone under her chin. He walks away as she continues to eat and drink while she talks to her caller.

The voice of her agent Kara is heard over the telephone talking to Janeane.

KARA
Janeane? Are you there?

JANEANE
(with mouthful of doughnut)
Umm-hmm. I left as soon as I got your
call backstage at the Kimmel show. What's up?

KARA
Listen, I know you're still
hurting for cash, so I've been busting
my hump for you, girl.

JANEANE
(chewing angrily)
'bout time. You know, I went straight
from the airport to that stinking show
when I got your page at the terminal.
(mimicking Kara)
"Oh yeah, get right over to the Kimmel
show. Pamela Anderson just broke another
implant, so they need someone to fill in."
So I rush right over there, and what do I
get? Disrespected by a pair of pottymouth
cretins. I haven't even unpacked yet, I
slept in my rental car, and now I'm hearing
they aren't even going to pay me.

KARA
I'm sorry, but Kimmel says somebody
keyed his Lexus and sugared the gas
tank after the show. He claims he found
purple nail polish residue and sweetener
packets from Starbucks, so he thinks
you look good for it.

JANEANE
Like I said, he's full of it. Did you
take care of that other thing we discussed?
Did you talk to my uncle Vinnie back in
Jersey?

KARA
Janeane, I told you, that's crazy. No
one is going to put out a contract on Shaq.
The Vegas odds makers would never stand
for it. Get over it, already.

JANEANE
(frowning)
What about Kimmel, that little beady-eyed
rat? He started it.

KARA
(sighing)
Look, I checked his medical history.
With his cholesterol, it's just a
matter of time before he's yukking it
up with John Candy and Chris Farley.
If we're lucky, Sarah Silverman will
be on top of him when it happens, and
she'll get the blame. Now can we talk
business already?

JANEANE
(sipping coffee)
Yeah, okay. So what have you got, a sitcom,
a film role, maybe another HBO special?

KARA
Not exactly.

JANEANE
(with mouthful of doughnut)
Kara, come on, I'm starving here.

She emits an audible burp.

JANEANE
I'll take anything. God help me, I'll
even do Hollywood Squares.

KARA
No good. Tried that already. They said
they'd rather dress up Winkler in his
old Fonzie jacket and hoist him into a
cubicle. It's so bad, A. J. Benza called
the office yesterday and asked for your
bio. You're not exactly riding a wave
of popularity.

JANEANE
Okay, so I know my career has kind of
mellowed out.

KARA
Honey, I had a boyfriend in '69 who's still
air-guitaring at Woodstock, and he hasn't
"mellowed out" that much yet, but not to fear.
Kara comes through again. I booked you a
national commercial spot. It's a major brand
name, and it's a product that I know you can
endorse without compromising your political
views.

JANEANE
(taking a swig of coffee)
So what is it?

KARA
Trojan condoms.

Janeane is so startled, she nearly chokes on her coffee.

JANEANE
(still coughing and spitting)
Wh-what?

KARA
Hey, you believe in safe sex, don't you?
Well, here's your big chance to reinforce
that point and make some quick jing in the
process. It's a win-win situation.

JANEANE
I guess...do I have to...?

KARA
Demonstrate the product? No, I took care of that.

JANEANE
That's a relief, because I tried to
help my niece with her sex-ed homework,
and we never did figure it out. Maybe
you're not supposed to eat the banana
first.

KARA
Don't worry about it. All you have to
do is read your lines off the teleprompter
and act socially concerned. It's a piece
of cherry cheesecake. Hey, I've got to run.
Robert Downey, Jr. fell of the wagon
again. They found him buck-naked and
singing show tunes on Hollywood
Boulevard, so I better bail him out.

JANEANE
Why? You don't even represent him as
a client.

KARA
What part didn't you hear? Robert
Downey, Jr., NAKED. Geeze, I knew I
never should have booked you on that
Sopranos gig with Sandy Bernhard. I'll
talk to you later. Your co-star should
be along any minute now. Ciao, baby.

There is a CLICK as Kara hangs up the telephone.

JANEANE
Co-star?

A loud commotion is heard coming from the other end of the stage. Janeane turns to see someone approaching recklessly on a Segway scooter. As the figure grows closer, Janeane recognizes MTV's Tom Green, wild-eyed and excited, heading toward her on a collision path.

JANEANE
Oh no...

At the last second Janeane drops her food and cell phone and leaps aside, clutching tightly to a protruding section of catwalk. Green continues past her and impacts the refreshment table head on. The table collapses, doughnuts and coffee strewn everywhere, as Green is toppled headfirst from his scooter into the middle of the mess.

TOM GREEN
(twitching and moaning)
Ooooh, awesome contraption, but I predict
it will never replace the dogsled as
everyday transportation.

He sits up slowly and extends a pastry-covered hand to Janeane.

TOM GREEN
Tom Green, at your service.

JANEANE
(declining offer to shake hands)
Janeane Garofalo. Maybe you
should have heeded that recall
notice.

TOM GREEN
(wiping himself off with napkins)
Oh yeah, I know you! You're that
little girl who always gets her
bum kicked on Fox News.

JANEANE
I'm a political activist. I speak
out for the liberal viewpoint and
protest the government.

TOM GREEN
Eh, I don't know anything about
that. I'm Canadian. I don't even
think we have a government; or at
least that's why I never pay any
taxes.

JANEANE
Actually, I believe Canada is a
constitutional monarchy ruled
by the Queen.

TOM GREEN
Pissoff! And that Elton John
wouldn't even sign my autograph
the last time he came to Toronto. Oh
well, maybe he thought it was an
Executive Pardon.

JANEANE
Rrright...Do you have any idea
what we're supposed to be doing
here?

TOM GREEN
Aw, now you sound like my ex-wife
Drew just before I pretended to knock
her up. Yeah, talk about your miracle
babies. Did you know I did that with
only one ball? Here, let me show you
my cancer surgery scars.

He starts to lower his trousers.

JANEANE
(extending hands with
palms outraised)
No, no, thank you. I'd rather just
read about it in Guideposts magazine,
if it's all the same.
(moving close to Green)
Listen, Tom, I've caught your show on
MTV, and I'm just going to lay it on
the line: I've worked with some of the
craziest, most obnoxious comics in the
business: Andy Dick, Adam Sandler,
Pee-Wee Herman, Bobcat Goldthwait;
and there's one very important thing
I shared with every one of them.

TOM GREEN
What's that?

JANEANE
A fifth of Seagram's right before
showtime; otherwise I would have
choked the sh*t out of them all with
my pantyhose.
(getting right up in Tom Green's
face and staring him down)
But now I've gone to AA and done the
whole program; so unless you really
want to mess with a cold sober Irish/ Italian b*tch still harboring unresolved
issues, you might not want to push me
too far, if you know what's
good for you, okay?

TOM GREEN
(swallowing hard)
Gotcha. You know, there's no reason
to be so hostile. I'm sure we can find
some sort of common ground between us.

Janeane turns away and fumbles for cigarettes and a lighter in her pockets.

JANEANE
I can't imagine what that would
be, Dudley.

Janeane lights up and takes a long drag.

TOM GREEN
What if I told you that I had the
rapper Ludacris on my show and we took a
bunch of copies of Bill O'Reilly's
new moose-dung book and catapulted
them into oblivion?

Janeane stops smoking, contemplates momentarily, then tosses cigarette aside and runs over to Tom Green and clasps his hand. They begin to sing simultaneously.

TOM AND JANEANE
"Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya..."

A nondescript figure of ambiguous gender enters from cross stage, wearing a pinstriped suit with briefcase and palm pilot. The figure approaches Tom and Janeane.

CONNIE
(in a husky, alto voice)
Hi, I'm Connie, your director. Nice
to see you're both hitting it off so well.
That's half the battle. Sorry I'm so
late, but that freeway was a mess.

JANEANE
Fender-bender?

CONNIE
No, that old fool of a Wesley Clark
was just driving around in circles forever
and ever, until he finally veered off into the left-hand lane. Then some goddamned
idiot on one of those "It" things with a
Canadian license plate cut across eight
lanes and nearly caused a hundred car pileup. I swear, Ridge and Ashcroft ought to detain
and deport every walking slab of back bacon
wearing a beer-stained flannel shirt.

Connie notices wreckage of Segway and refreshment table and looks over at Tom Green.

CONNIE
Oh, sorry. I was talking about Nova Scotians.

Connie settles into director's chair and motions to the sound and lighting technicians.

CONNIE
Okay, let's get this show on the road.
I've got a luncheon date with Harvey
Fierstein.

Sound booms are lowered and stage lights are positioned to illuminate a large floral backdrop with a pair of stools positioned in front. Janeane and Tom are ushered over to the stools. Hair and makeup artists swarm around the stools and begin to work on the celebrities. One hair stylist grimaces and points to Janeane's head.

HAIR STYLIST
What do you expect me to do with this?

CONNIE
(looking up from paperwork)
Oh, I love that hair! It's perfect.
Don't touch it.
(winking at Janeane)
Are you going to be in town for long?

JANEANE
(nervously)
Uh...no. Not now.

TOM GREEN
(aside to Janeane)
You know, I was just thinking.
With a name like Connie, it's
hard to know --

JANEANE
(under her breath)
Don't even go there, if you want to
keep that last remaining nut.
(aloud to Connie)
So where's the script? Do we need
to rehearse?

CONNIE
It's a pretty straightforward spot.
I thought we'd just work off the
teleprompter and try a dry run-through.

Connie motions to a staffer to wheel the teleprompter close to the stage.

CONNIE
(to Janeane)
Okay, just read the lines below
your name.
(raising voice)
Okay, everybody, get ready. Trojan
Condoms Commercial, Take One.
Lights, camera, action!

Janeane begins to read from the teleprompter.

JANEANE
Hi, I'm Janeane Garofalo, here to
talk about safe sex. Trust is the most
important part of any relationship, and
no one knows that better than Trojan
Condoms, America's most trusted condoms.
Nobody who really cares about his or her
partner should ever enter into
unprotected sex.

TOM GREEN
Or for those of you who watch my
show: No cover, no lover.

JANEANE
(aside to Connie)
Huh? Where does it say that?

CONNIE
It doesn't. We didn't give him any
lines. We didn't have anybody fluent in
Canuck, or whatever the language is
is up there. He's just supposed to
demonstrate the product.

Janeane looks confused, but keeps reading.

JANEANE
Trojan condoms are durable,
affordable and available in a wide
variety of colors and flavors. Their
comfort and ease of installation are
industry standards.

Tom Green removes a bright yellow condom from a package handed to him. He stretches it onto his finger and plays with it like a puppet.

TOM GREEN
(in falsetto voice)
Oh, yes, I'll still respect you in
the morning. Do you take Canadian
currency?
(in normal voice)
Oh, poo. This is what the public
really wants to see: how well these
buggers cover the largest possible head.

Tom proceeds to remove the yellow condom from his finger and stretches it completely over his head.

TOM GREEN
(talking through condom)
Oh yeah, that's good and snug.

Janeane gives Tom a quick, incredulous, sideways glance, but keeps reading.

JANEANE
Don't take the risk of turning
something special into -- "

TOM GREEN
(clutching throat)
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

JANEANE
Yeah, real cute. Oh look, he's
turning green. Like Tom Green, right?
Special effects. I get it.

Tom Green stumbles off his stool onto the floor. He removes a pen from his pocket and begins to write on the stage floor. He tugs desperately on Janeane's pant leg until she dismounts her stool and bends over Tom to read what he has written.

JANEANE
Green equals yellow plus blue. SKIN
BLUE!
(A look of recognition
flashes across her face.)
He's blue underneath his condom --
I know from experience that's never
a good thing.

Janeane looks up, wide-eyed and excited.

JANEANE
Oh my God, he really is suffocating!
Help! Somebody call 911!

Tom Green suddenly rears up and forces Janeane to mount his back. He runs frantically in circles, clutching the condom around his throat and making choking noises, while Janeane hangs on with her arms wrapped around his neck and legs entwined across his chest.

JANEANE
(screaming)
Eeeeek! Eeeeek! Help! I don't do my
own action work! I used to get C's in
Phys Ed! Stunt person! Stunt person,
please!

CONNIE
Great improv! Watch out -- you're
getting off your camera marks.

JANEANE
(shouting)
Improv, my *ss! He's really choking,
and I'm really peeing myself! Help!

Connie stands up with a hand to the mouth in horror. Several technicians rush up onto the stage, but Tom Green, circling hysterically with Janeane on his back, knocks them all down before they can render assistance. In the struggle, Tom Green's trousers fall down. Janeane begins to tug desperately at the condom over Green's face.

JANEANE
Somebody, cut this sh*t off! Isn't
there anyone in this whole state with a
good sharp knife? I told you this
would happen if you let Pat Buchanan
close down illegal immigration! Aaagh!

She begins to bite at the stretched latex.

Tom Green hobbles away with pants around his ankles. He veers toward the rear of the stage, as his shorts begin to ride down also. Janeane removes her studded wrist bracelet and begins to hack savagely at the condom material. Just as she finally slashes it open, Tom Green lets out a gasp and careens violently into the floral backdrop, tangling himself and Janeane in the fabric. They collapse in a convoluted pile of fabric onto the stage floor.

After a moment, movement is seen under the fabric. Janeane's head pops up, uncovering the area around Tom Green's lower body. She stares dazedly at Tom Green's exposed genitalia.

JANEANE
(panting)
Wow, those really are worse than my
breast reduction scars.
(studying intently)
But I'll never figure out why they
call them "hosers"...

END PART 3: TO BE CONTINUED...

--Back to Top--

 !  Sidebar Information /
Fan Fiction

Janeane Garofalo drawing by Amy

In this series of adventures, Janeane Garofalo plays the part of Janeane as she searches for a persona to finally call home. To read a brief biography, go to Janeane Garofalo >>.


This episodic comedy, written in the general format of a film script, follows the harrowing adventures of a modern-day Janeane Garofalo as she finds herself pitched by the winds of fate from one wild adventure to another. One moment she is burning down the home of Martha Stewart after a failed attempt to fill the apron of the homemaking diva who is preparing for a sojourn "up the river." The next she finds herself transformed into an Elizabethan era Alice pursued by Wonderland characters with incredible resemblances to members of the George W. Bush administration. Never fear, fans of Janeane. While the little Jersey gal walks through the world leaving chaos and destruction in her wake, she always comes out on top, though not completely unscathed at all times.

Select any one of the links below to go to another part of
Perils >> 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11


Little is known of George "Rusty" Datt. Some rumors place him at the scene of all historical events, important or otherwise, for the past two years. Other rumors say longer.
To learn what little we know, go to George "Rusty" Datt >>

  |   1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11

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