The Many Misadventures of Little Myth
An Original Comic Adventure Series By
George "Rusty" Datt
** Note - Terms used in these adventure scripts:
O.S. = Off Screen
V.O. = Voice Over
EST = Establishing Shot
INT = Interior
EXT = Exterior
POV = Point Of View
INSERT = A Camera Shot Usually Focusing On An Object
INT - A HOLLYWOOD SOUNDSTAGE - MID
(Janeane enters from a backstage door,
toting a carry-on bag and eating peanuts from a cellophane packet.)
Damn, you know the economy is bad
when the airlines stop giving out
She suddenly spies a refreshment table
stocked with doughnuts and beverages. She immediately drops her bag and rushes
over to the table.
Janeane grabs a large powdered doughnut
and savors it.
Mmm, I really shouldn't, especially
after all of those nuts and the in-flight
meal, but that vegetarian lasagna
always leaves you a little empty. Oh,
what the hell. Got to make a little
She reaches back beneath her T-shirt
and unhinges her brassiere.
Ahh, that feels better.
She bites into the doughnut and smiles
Mmm, Bavarian Crème. One thing you have
to say for those Nazis, they knew their
pastry. Wonder what we've got to wash
it down with...
She fills a cup of coffee from a nearby
urn, holds it to her nose intently, then sips it and swills it around inside
her mouth like a connoisseur.
Hmm, moderate acidity, muted flavor,
generally lacking in body and overall
balance. Probably an inferior American
blend, vintage '01 or 02, no more than
grade A beans at best, medium brown and
commercially roasted. What I wouldn't
give for a Grande Hazelnut Latte right
A youngish studio technician approaches
her carrying a cell phone in his hand.
Natalie Merchant? Cool! Wow, like what
have you done to your hair?
It's that London fog. Way too much
Oh. I hope you don't mind my saying,
but I don't think you ever should have
left Ten Thousand Maniacs.
(sarcastically, while eating
and sipping coffee)
Well, I didn't want to, but after the
first nine thousand, I could tell it
just wasn't going to work out.
Yeah...well, anyway, I'm supposed to
be looking for this Janette Garfolalo
chick, or whatever her name is. She's
got a phone call.
I'll take it. Trust me, I'm very close
friends with Janette. We've shared most
of the same drummers.
She motions to the technician to tuck
phone under her chin. He walks away as she continues to eat and drink while
she talks to her caller.
The voice of her agent Kara is heard
over the telephone talking to Janeane.
Janeane? Are you there?
(with mouthful of doughnut)
Umm-hmm. I left as soon as I got your
call backstage at the Kimmel show. What's up?
Listen, I know you're still
hurting for cash, so I've been busting
my hump for you, girl.
'bout time. You know, I went straight
from the airport to that stinking show
when I got your page at the terminal.
"Oh yeah, get right over to the Kimmel
show. Pamela Anderson just broke another
implant, so they need someone to fill in."
So I rush right over there, and what do I
get? Disrespected by a pair of pottymouth
cretins. I haven't even unpacked yet, I
slept in my rental car, and now I'm hearing
they aren't even going to pay me.
I'm sorry, but Kimmel says somebody
keyed his Lexus and sugared the gas
tank after the show. He claims he found
purple nail polish residue and sweetener
packets from Starbucks, so he thinks
you look good for it.
Like I said, he's full of it. Did you
take care of that other thing we discussed?
Did you talk to my uncle Vinnie back in
Janeane, I told you, that's crazy. No
one is going to put out a contract on Shaq.
The Vegas odds makers would never stand
for it. Get over it, already.
What about Kimmel, that little beady-eyed
rat? He started it.
Look, I checked his medical history.
With his cholesterol, it's just a
matter of time before he's yukking it
up with John Candy and Chris Farley.
If we're lucky, Sarah Silverman will
be on top of him when it happens, and
she'll get the blame. Now can we talk
Yeah, okay. So what have you got, a sitcom,
a film role, maybe another HBO special?
(with mouthful of doughnut)
Kara, come on, I'm starving here.
She emits an audible burp.
I'll take anything. God help me, I'll
even do Hollywood Squares.
No good. Tried that already. They said
they'd rather dress up Winkler in his
old Fonzie jacket and hoist him into a
cubicle. It's so bad, A. J. Benza called
the office yesterday and asked for your
bio. You're not exactly riding a wave
Okay, so I know my career has kind of
Honey, I had a boyfriend in '69 who's still
air-guitaring at Woodstock, and he hasn't
"mellowed out" that much yet, but not to fear.
Kara comes through again. I booked you a
national commercial spot. It's a major brand
name, and it's a product that I know you can
endorse without compromising your political
(taking a swig of coffee)
So what is it?
Janeane is so startled, she nearly
chokes on her coffee.
(still coughing and spitting)
Hey, you believe in safe sex, don't you?
Well, here's your big chance to reinforce
that point and make some quick jing in the
process. It's a win-win situation.
I guess...do I have to...?
Demonstrate the product? No, I took care of that.
That's a relief, because I tried to
help my niece with her sex-ed homework,
and we never did figure it out. Maybe
you're not supposed to eat the banana
Don't worry about it. All you have to
do is read your lines off the teleprompter
and act socially concerned. It's a piece
of cherry cheesecake. Hey, I've got to run.
Robert Downey, Jr. fell of the wagon
again. They found him buck-naked and
singing show tunes on Hollywood
Boulevard, so I better bail him out.
Why? You don't even represent him as
What part didn't you hear? Robert
Downey, Jr., NAKED. Geeze, I knew I
never should have booked you on that
Sopranos gig with Sandy Bernhard. I'll
talk to you later. Your co-star should
be along any minute now. Ciao, baby.
There is a CLICK as Kara hangs up
A loud commotion is heard coming from
the other end of the stage. Janeane turns to see someone approaching recklessly
on a Segway scooter. As the figure grows closer, Janeane recognizes MTV's Tom
Green, wild-eyed and excited, heading toward her on a collision path.
At the last second Janeane drops her
food and cell phone and leaps aside, clutching tightly to a protruding section
of catwalk. Green continues past her and impacts the refreshment table head
on. The table collapses, doughnuts and coffee strewn everywhere, as Green is
toppled headfirst from his scooter into the middle of the mess.
(twitching and moaning)
Ooooh, awesome contraption, but I predict
it will never replace the dogsled as
He sits up slowly and extends a pastry-covered
hand to Janeane.
Tom Green, at your service.
(declining offer to shake hands)
Janeane Garofalo. Maybe you
should have heeded that recall
(wiping himself off with napkins)
Oh yeah, I know you! You're that
little girl who always gets her
bum kicked on Fox News.
I'm a political activist. I speak
out for the liberal viewpoint and
protest the government.
Eh, I don't know anything about
that. I'm Canadian. I don't even
think we have a government; or at
least that's why I never pay any
Actually, I believe Canada is a
constitutional monarchy ruled
by the Queen.
Pissoff! And that Elton John
wouldn't even sign my autograph
the last time he came to Toronto. Oh
well, maybe he thought it was an
Rrright...Do you have any idea
what we're supposed to be doing
Aw, now you sound like my ex-wife
Drew just before I pretended to knock
her up. Yeah, talk about your miracle
babies. Did you know I did that with
only one ball? Here, let me show you
my cancer surgery scars.
He starts to lower his trousers.
(extending hands with
No, no, thank you. I'd rather just
read about it in Guideposts magazine,
if it's all the same.
(moving close to Green)
Listen, Tom, I've caught your show on
MTV, and I'm just going to lay it on
the line: I've worked with some of the
craziest, most obnoxious comics in the
business: Andy Dick, Adam Sandler,
Pee-Wee Herman, Bobcat Goldthwait;
and there's one very important thing
I shared with every one of them.
A fifth of Seagram's right before
showtime; otherwise I would have
choked the sh*t out of them all with
(getting right up in Tom Green's
face and staring him down)
But now I've gone to AA and done the
whole program; so unless you really
want to mess with a cold sober Irish/ Italian b*tch still harboring unresolved
issues, you might not want to push me
too far, if you know what's
good for you, okay?
Gotcha. You know, there's no reason
to be so hostile. I'm sure we can find
some sort of common ground between us.
Janeane turns away and fumbles for cigarettes and a lighter in her pockets.
I can't imagine what that would
Janeane lights up and takes a long
What if I told you that I had the
rapper Ludacris on my show and we took a
bunch of copies of Bill O'Reilly's
new moose-dung book and catapulted
them into oblivion?
Janeane stops smoking, contemplates
momentarily, then tosses cigarette aside and runs over to Tom Green and clasps
his hand. They begin to sing simultaneously.
TOM AND JANEANE
"Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya..."
A nondescript figure of ambiguous
gender enters from cross stage, wearing a pinstriped suit with briefcase and
palm pilot. The figure approaches Tom and Janeane.
(in a husky, alto voice)
Hi, I'm Connie, your director. Nice
to see you're both hitting it off so well.
That's half the battle. Sorry I'm so
late, but that freeway was a mess.
No, that old fool of a Wesley Clark
was just driving around in circles forever
and ever, until he finally veered off into the left-hand lane. Then some
idiot on one of those "It" things with a
Canadian license plate cut across eight
lanes and nearly caused a hundred car pileup. I swear, Ridge and Ashcroft
ought to detain
and deport every walking slab of back bacon
wearing a beer-stained flannel shirt.
Connie notices wreckage of Segway
and refreshment table and looks over at Tom Green.
Oh, sorry. I was talking about Nova Scotians.
Connie settles into director's chair
and motions to the sound and lighting technicians.
Okay, let's get this show on the road.
I've got a luncheon date with Harvey
Sound booms are lowered and stage
lights are positioned to illuminate a large floral backdrop with a pair of stools
positioned in front. Janeane and Tom are ushered over to the stools. Hair and
makeup artists swarm around the stools and begin to work on the celebrities.
One hair stylist grimaces and points to Janeane's head.
What do you expect me to do with this?
(looking up from paperwork)
Oh, I love that hair! It's perfect.
Don't touch it.
(winking at Janeane)
Are you going to be in town for long?
Uh...no. Not now.
(aside to Janeane)
You know, I was just thinking.
With a name like Connie, it's
hard to know --
(under her breath)
Don't even go there, if you want to
keep that last remaining nut.
(aloud to Connie)
So where's the script? Do we need
It's a pretty straightforward spot.
I thought we'd just work off the
teleprompter and try a dry run-through.
Connie motions to a staffer to wheel
the teleprompter close to the stage.
Okay, just read the lines below
Okay, everybody, get ready. Trojan
Condoms Commercial, Take One.
Lights, camera, action!
Janeane begins to read from the teleprompter.
Hi, I'm Janeane Garofalo, here to
talk about safe sex. Trust is the most
important part of any relationship, and
no one knows that better than Trojan
Condoms, America's most trusted condoms.
Nobody who really cares about his or her
partner should ever enter into
Or for those of you who watch my
show: No cover, no lover.
(aside to Connie)
Huh? Where does it say that?
It doesn't. We didn't give him any
lines. We didn't have anybody fluent in
Canuck, or whatever the language is
is up there. He's just supposed to
demonstrate the product.
Janeane looks confused, but keeps
Trojan condoms are durable,
affordable and available in a wide
variety of colors and flavors. Their
comfort and ease of installation are
Tom Green removes a bright yellow
condom from a package handed to him. He stretches it onto his finger and plays
with it like a puppet.
(in falsetto voice)
Oh, yes, I'll still respect you in
the morning. Do you take Canadian
(in normal voice)
Oh, poo. This is what the public
really wants to see: how well these
buggers cover the largest possible head.
Tom proceeds to remove the yellow
condom from his finger and stretches it completely over his head.
(talking through condom)
Oh yeah, that's good and snug.
Janeane gives Tom a quick, incredulous,
sideways glance, but keeps reading.
Don't take the risk of turning
something special into -- "
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
Yeah, real cute. Oh look, he's
turning green. Like Tom Green, right?
Special effects. I get it.
Tom Green stumbles off his stool onto
the floor. He removes a pen from his pocket and begins to write on the stage
floor. He tugs desperately on Janeane's pant leg until she dismounts her stool
and bends over Tom to read what he has written.
Green equals yellow plus blue. SKIN
(A look of recognition
flashes across her face.)
He's blue underneath his condom --
I know from experience that's never
a good thing.
Janeane looks up, wide-eyed and excited.
Oh my God, he really is suffocating!
Help! Somebody call 911!
Tom Green suddenly rears up and forces
Janeane to mount his back. He runs frantically in circles, clutching the condom
around his throat and making choking noises, while Janeane hangs on with her
arms wrapped around his neck and legs entwined across his chest.
Eeeeek! Eeeeek! Help! I don't do my
own action work! I used to get C's in
Phys Ed! Stunt person! Stunt person,
Great improv! Watch out -- you're
getting off your camera marks.
Improv, my *ss! He's really choking,
and I'm really peeing myself! Help!
Connie stands up with a hand to the
mouth in horror. Several technicians rush up onto the stage, but Tom Green,
circling hysterically with Janeane on his back, knocks them all down before
they can render assistance. In the struggle, Tom Green's trousers fall down.
Janeane begins to tug desperately at the condom over Green's face.
Somebody, cut this sh*t off! Isn't
there anyone in this whole state with a
good sharp knife? I told you this
would happen if you let Pat Buchanan
close down illegal immigration! Aaagh!
She begins to bite at the stretched
Tom Green hobbles away with pants
around his ankles. He veers toward the rear of the stage, as his shorts begin
to ride down also. Janeane removes her studded wrist bracelet and begins to
hack savagely at the condom material. Just as she finally slashes it open, Tom
Green lets out a gasp and careens violently into the floral backdrop, tangling
himself and Janeane in the fabric. They collapse in a convoluted pile of fabric
onto the stage floor.
After a moment, movement is seen under
the fabric. Janeane's head pops up, uncovering the area around Tom Green's lower
body. She stares dazedly at Tom Green's exposed genitalia.
Wow, those really are worse than my
breast reduction scars.
But I'll never figure out why they
call them "hosers"...
END PART 3: TO BE CONTINUED...
In this series of adventures, Janeane Garofalo plays the part of Janeane as she searches for a persona to finally call home. To read a brief biography, go to Janeane Garofalo >>.
This episodic comedy, written in the general format of a film script, follows the harrowing adventures of a modern-day Janeane Garofalo as she finds herself pitched by the winds of fate from one wild adventure to another. One moment she is burning down the home of Martha Stewart after a failed attempt to fill the apron of the homemaking diva who is preparing for a sojourn "up the river." The next she finds herself transformed into an Elizabethan era Alice pursued by Wonderland characters with incredible resemblances to members of the George W. Bush administration.
Never fear, fans of Janeane. While the little Jersey gal walks through the world leaving chaos and destruction in her wake, she always comes out on top, though not completely unscathed at all times.
Select any one of the links below to go to another part of
Perils >> 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11
Little is known of George "Rusty" Datt. Some rumors place him at the scene of all historical events, important or otherwise, for the past two years. Other rumors say longer.
To learn what little we know, go to George "Rusty" Datt >>