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 !  The Perils of Janeane, part 7

The Many Misadventures of Little Myth JG
An Original Comic Adventure Series By

George "Rusty" Datt

** Note - Terms used in these adventure scripts:
O.S. = Off Screen
V.O. = Voice Over
EST = Establishing Shot
INT = Interior
EXT = Exterior
POV = Point Of View
INSERT = A Camera Shot Usually Focusing On An Object


PART 7.

SCENE I

INT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY - PHYSICS DEPARTMENT - RESEARCH LABORATORY - DAY

Janeane is canvassing the halls in a Columbia University campus building, poking her head into classrooms. She opens a door with a sign on it that reads "Advanced Physics Research Lab" and decides to enter.

She finds herself in a cluttered laboratory full of complex scientific research equipment. She approaches a trio of intellectual, nerdy-looking young men. Two of the three are wearing eyeglasses and white dress shirts with pocket protectors. The third has wild, unruly hair and sports a T-shirt with an image of Albert Einstein sticking his tongue out.

JANEANE
Hi guys. I'm Janeane Garofalo,
(extending hand)
and I'm canvassing for votes on
behalf of the Howard Dean Campaign.
I was wondering if you had a moment
to discuss next year's presidential
election.

The nerds appear to be stupefied, staring at Janeane wide-eyed and trembling.

JANEANE
Uh, guys - guys? Oh, I get it.
You've never met a real live
celebrity up close before.

FIRST NERD
(gulping)
No, we've never been this close
to a real live woman before.

The second nerd nods in agreement. He approaches Janeane diffidently with his hand raised.

THIRD NERD
Actually, I have. I once brushed
Majel Barrett's leg at a Star
Trek convention.

He cautiously reaches out and shakes Janeane's hand while ogling her from head to toe. Then he hastily retreats to his buddies, and they all snort and giggle and they "high-five" each other.

NERDS IN UNISON
Awesome!

JANEANE
Well, I guess I should be glad I
passed inspection so easily. At
least you don't appear to be Joan
Rivers fans.

The nerds stop giggling and look at each other momentarily. Then they all swarm around Janeane and begin reexamining her with flashlights, magnifying glasses and measuring tapes.

JANEANE
Hey, I didn't really mean that as
a scientific challenge ...

SECOND NERD
(shining flashlight into her mouth)
That's good, because we really
don't know what we're supposed to
be looking for anyway. You wouldn't
happen to know where we could find
some credible reference material?

JANEANE
(backing away)
Yeah, just go to any newsstand
and ask for the stuff with the
brown paper on front.

FIRST NERD
We tried that already, but
it didn't help...

JANEANE
(staring at Nerds, deadpan)
Take the paper off.

NERDS
(enlightened)
Ohhh!

Janeane steps over to a cage with a cat inside and reaches through the bars to pet it.

JANEANE
Nice kitty, kitty.
(to nerds)
My, you seem like really
intelligent guys
(smiling seductively)
You know, I like intelligent guys.

They all giggle and snort uncontrollably.

JANEANE
So what are you working on here?

She continues stroking the cat.

SECOND NERD
(pointing to cat)
We're just storing her for the
bio lab because they ran out of
space. They're working on a DOD
anti-terrorism project, where they
test autoimmune responses of lab
animals to deadly germ warfare.

Janeane withdraws her hand quickly and looks alarmed.

JANEANE
(wiping her hand
on a notebook)
Okay, well, enough chitchat.
Have any of you gentleman ever
registered to vote?
(noting the nerds' blank,
expressionlesss faces)
You know, in a booth, with a
machine kind of like this one...

She reaches out to touch an upright lever on a nearby piece of equipment.

THIRD NERD
(grabbing Janeane's arm)
No, don't touch that! That's
our quantum mass
accelerator.

JANEANE
(taken back)
So what does it do, make
cappuccino?

FIRST NERD
No, silly, it operates on the
string theory of theoretical
relationships. You understand
that, right?

JANEANE
Um, isn't that the theory that
explains why musicians always
make better boyfriends than
frat guys or jocks?

FIRST NERD
(annoyed)
No - although, we're planning to
look into that next if we can get
a federal grant. The string theory
implies that all matter is constructed
of one-dimensional strings smaller
than any previously known subatomic
particle. Furthermore, when you
factor in the super symmetry variants
that permit an unlimited number of
dimensions and utilizing the M-theory
to overcome loop quantum gravity and
infinite density problems inherent in
Einstein's original relativity
calculations, the assumption of a
fixed space-time continuum is no
longer valid.

JANEANE
(nodding patronizingly)
Oh, yeah, that would have been my
second guess. Hey, stick a few
flashing lights on the front of
this gizmo, and you guys ought to
be a shoe-in for the blue ribbon
at the school science fair.
(turning to address
the nerds collectively)
Okay, so what do you think about
the war in Iraq and the Bush
administration's policies?

FIRST NERD
So are you going to make a sequel
to "The Truth About Cats and Dogs"
where you get to do some nude
scenes with that Ben Chaplin guy?

JANEANE
(shaking her head)
No, sorry.

SECOND NERD
Are you going to be on MTV
"Spring Break" again, you know,
like where it's real hot and you
have to wear a bikini?

JANEANE
Trust me, it can't get that hot.
(getting frustrated)
Come on now, guys, can't we discuss
something pertaining to the war
in Iraq?

The nerds are silent for couple of beats. Finally, the third nerd raises his hand as if asking permission to speak.

JANEANE
Yes?

THIRD NERD
Do you know Private Jessica Lynch?
Have you seen any of those Larry
Flynt photos?

JANEANE
(sighing)
Kind of going down a one-lane road
here, aren't we fellas?

A voice coming over a public address system interrupts the conversation.

VOICE
PLEASE REPORT TO THE ADMINISTRATION
BUILDING. PLEASE REPORT TO THE
ADMINISTRATION BUILDING. EMERGENCY
CODE 23. REPEAT, CODE 23.

JANEANE
That sounds serious...

SECOND NERD
(reaching for a mop and bucket)
No, that just means the dean's
ditzy secretary tried to hard-boil
another egg in the microwave. Don't
worry. We'll be back in a minute.

The nerds leave Janeane alone in the laboratory. She stands with her hands behind her back, humming and walking around the room observing the equipment.

The cat in its cage begins to meow. Janeane tries to ignore it, but finally can't resist.

JANEANE
What's the matter, Miss Pussycat?
I bet you're hungry.
(reaching for carton
of milk on counter)
Here, it can't hurt just to pour
a little of this in your bowl.

As Janeane tries to unlatch the cage with one hand, the cat suddenly pounces against the door and forces it open. As Janeane spills the milk, the cat takes a huge leap across the floor and climbs atop an equipment table.

JANEANE
(brushing milk off her T-shirt)
No, come back. Here, kitty, kitty.

She steps slowly toward the cat, now standing on the table with its green eyes fixed on her. Just as she lunges for the animal, it darts away, kicking the lever on the quantum mass accelerator. The machine lights, buzzes and whirs to a threatening crescendo.

Suddenly Janeane finds herself trapped in an overwhelming wave of energy that seems to distort reality. She looks down at herself to see her molecular composition beginning to disintegrate before her eyes.

JANEANE
Uh-oh ... This can't be good!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SUBURBAN HOME - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Janeane finds herself standing in a bedroom furnished in 1940's style décor. She turns to look in a mirror atop a vanity and cringes at the image reflecting back at her - a young Barbara Bush, no older than her early twenties.

She stares at a calendar on a wall and catches a glimpse of the year - 1946. She glances down at her midriff, revealing an enormous bulge beneath a maternity nightgown. She winces as she feels the kick of an unborn fetus inside her womb.

Janeane is startled by a voice coming from a double bed across the room, a voice she recognizes as belonging to George H. W. Bush, Sr.

GEORGE BUSH, SR.
Come on back to bed, Babs. I
know the doctor says we can't
do anything until after you
deliver, so I promise to keep Mr.
Happy in my jammies. Just remember,
you promised I could name this one
after me if it's a boy.

JANEANE
(wide-eyed with terror,
under her breath)
Oh my god! I'm about to have
Rosemary's baby! I'm going to
give the gift of life to an evil,
doughnut hole future president!

She suddenly cups her hand over her mouth and rushes blindly into the hall, searching for the nearest bathroom. When she spies it, she collapses in front of the toilet bowl and vomits profusely.

JANEANE
(gagging)
Oh, damn, all I have to do is think
about the little guy, and I'm sick
to my stomach. I guess some things
never change...

SCENE II

INT. THE BUSH FAMILY HOME CIRCA 1946 - UPSTAIRS BATHROOM - DAYBREAK

Janeane has just concluded another bout of "morning sickness" and is wiping her face with a towel when she is startled by a voice from behind.

VOICE
Hey, foxy lady. Looks like you're
having a bad scene there.

JANEANE
(frightened)
Aaagh!

She turns toward the sound of the voice and observes Dennis Hopper, in his "Easy Rider" biker dude costume, peeking out from behind a shower curtain.

HOPPER
(waving with his fingers
in a peace sign)
Hi, I'm Al, your holographic
observer.

JANEANE
Observer? What is going on here?

HOPPER
(lighting a suspicious cigarette)
From Project Quantum Leap, you know,
that time machine deal. Yeah, you're
really trippin', chickie.

JANEANE
Wait a minute. I think I remember
this. Isn't this an old TV show
from the eighties with Scott
Bakula? And aren't you supposed to be
Dean Stockwell?

HOPPER
Dean wasn't available for this gig.
He got a sweet deal emceeing a
documentary series on PBS about air
pollution while he chain-smokes
Marlboros. The whole thing was
sponsored with tobacco settlement
money, so it's one of those win-
win deals, you know?
(shrugging while he blows
a big, green smoke ring)
What's the difference? One crazy,
substance-abusing, dropout actor of
the sixties is just as good as
another, right? Besides, at
least you and I have something
in common: We both know what an
s. o. b. Rip Torn is to work with.

JANEANE
How can this be? We're reenacting
an old sci-fi television series?

HOPPER
No, you've been zapped by the
Quantum accelerator thingamajig
that those science geeks designed.
They just programmed the computer
with old VHS tapes from the show.

JANEANE
(holding up a finger)
Okay, so let's just focus on one
main issue: How the hell do I get
out of here! Ooh!
(feeling another kick,
she punches at her womb)
Behave yourself, you little
doughnut hole!

HOPPER
Easy there, little mama. Just let
me consult Squiggy, my handheld
link to the project's main computer.

Hopper begins punching keys on a handheld communicator.

JANEANE
Isn't he supposed to be called Ziggy?

HOPPER
Ah, we tried that, but that guy who
makes those goofy cartoons and
greeting cards tried to sue us for
copyright infringement, so we had
to change it.
(smacking unit)
No, that can't be right.

JANEANE
What? What did it say?

HOPPER
There's an eighty-six per cent
statistical probability that Rush
Limbaugh will turn gay and enter
into a civil union with Robert
Downey, Jr., and they hire Courtney
Love as their maid.

JANEANE
Tell me something I couldn't guess.
Come on, what do I have to do to
get unstuck in time? I didn't get
to watch all of the episodes of
the show, because I think it was
on opposite "My So-Called Life",
and I wanted to torture my
current boyfriend at the time.

HOPPER
(scratching his head)
Man, I don't know ... Maybe
you have to do something to
change history somehow.

JANEANE
(snapping her fingers)
That's it! That must be what
this is all about.
(patting her stomach)
Maybe I was sent here to prevent
George W. Bush from ever being born.

HOPPER
(dragging on joint)
Wow. Heavy, man, heavy. So what
are you gonna do?

JANEANE
(snatching blunt from Hopper
and puffing like mad)
Some very special prenatal care...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BUSH HOME -LIVING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

Janeane is slumped on the living room couch with a cigarette protruding from the corner of her mouth and a bottle of vodka in one hand. The living space surrounding her is cluttered with liquor bottles, cigarette cartons, empty syringes and prescription medication containers. She is groaning and her eyes are glazed over, as someone enters through the front door.

A voice is heard from the front foyer, the voice of George Bush, Sr.

BUSH SR.
Honey, I'm home from college.
Gee, it's great to be big man
on campus. We really skunked
those Harvard boys. He, he, they
all play ball like a bunch of
Whiffenpoofs, darned liberal
sissies. I hit two homers off
that George Plimpton fella. Funny
thing, they had him pitching
today, but he was wearing a
football helmet and a dress.
Seems like he can't figure out
who he wants to be. Do you know
they even have a guy with a
forehead higher than mine? Calls
himself Fred Gwynne. Says he wants
to be an actor.
(chuckling)
Hey, maybe I don't look like such
a "monster" after all.

He enters the living room wearing a Yale baseball uniform and does a double take when he sees Janeane and the mess.

BUSH, SR.
Whoa, what are we celebrating?

He picks up an empty liquor bottle and examines it.

BUSH SR.
Babs, you know I hate to criticize,
but do you really think this is
healthy for the baby? Keep in mind,
we're not trying to raise one of
those Kennedy kids.

He grasps Janeane by the shoulders and shakes her gently.

BUSH SR.
Barbara, do you hear me?

JANEANE
(mumbling almost incoherently)
Must terminate pregnancy...
must terminate.

BUSH, SR.
Yeah, I know what you mean. It's
been really miserable, what with
the weight gain, the nausea, the
swollen feet, not to mention how
it must feel for you. Tell you
what; let's just get this over
with right now. You're far enough
along. I'll call the doctor and
tell him to meet us at the
hospital for an emergency
C-section.

He picks up the telephone and begins to dial the number.

BUSH, SR.
(under his breath)
Yuk, that's going to leave
some real unsightly scars and
stretch marks, but once I graduate
and start my own oil business, I
can always hire myself a cute
secretary. What was the name of
that girl I met the other day --
Jennifer Fitzgerald? Yeah, I bet
she still looks great in a
two-piece bathing suit ...

SCENE III

INT. NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT, JULY 6, 1946 - HOSPITAL MATERNITY OPERATING ROOM

Janeane is positioned on a maternity table with her legs spread and her feet in stirrups and tilted partway up. A doctor and a nurse are assisting her. She is perspiring heavily, her hair is matted, and she is screaming in agony from her induced labor pains.

JANEANE
Aaaaaah! Oh Jesus, this hurts worse
than a Fox News appearance! No wonder
it's the only surgery Joan Rivers
had just once! Aaaaaah!

A NURSE standing beside her, wipes Janeane's brow with a washcloth.

NURSE
Sorry, but it appears you're
having a breech birth.

JANEANE
Of course, the little doughnut
hole is so used to having his head
up his own ass, he can't do it any
other way. Oooooh, god, yeeowww!
(clutching sides of the
table with her fingertips)
So where the hell is Doughnut
Hole, Senior? If Bill Clinton were
here, he'd be sharing my pain!

The Dennis Hopper hologram appears again beside Janeane's table.

HOPPER
If Bill Clinton were here, there
wouldn't be any cigars left to
hand out afterward.
(tapping handheld unit keys)
Iggy says there's a ninety-nine
per cent probability that Mr. Bush
is very close to this proximity.

He points down to the floor at a figure lying prone beneath the maternity table.

HOPPER
Oh, look, there's the dude.

JANEANE
(leaning over the
side of the table)
Hey, wake up, you deadbeat dad.
You should have been doing
that nine months ago. Aaaagh!

NURSE
If you're talking about your husband,
ma'am, he insisted he wanted to be in
the delivery room. We warned him, but
he said he was a war hero, and there
was nothing he hadn't seen before.
Then, as soon as you came out of the
anesthetic, he passed out.

JANEANE
(hyperventilating)
Wussy. Just because he sees a
little blood and birthing guts.

NURSE
No, actually he was reading a
magazine article about
desegregation.

JANEANE
(nodding tersely)
At least it was something he
hadn't seen before. Oh, lord,
help me! Uuuumph!

DOCTOR
Thataway to go, Mrs. Bush. One
more good push like that
should do it.

JANEANE
(to Hopper)
Do something! Get me out of here!

NURSE
I think she's still woozy from
the anesthetic. She seems to
be hallucinating.

HOPPER
Watch it, sweetcheeks. They can't
see me. Only you can. And I don't
know what I can do, but I'll ask
Iggy again.

JANEANE
Iggy? I thought it was Squiggy?

HOPPER
(pushing keys on unit)
No, now David L. Landers from
"Laverne and Shirley" got on our
case, so we had to change it again.
Iggy says there's a fast forward
button if you get really desperate,
but it will only move you ahead a
little bit in the same scenario.

JANEANE
PUSH IT! PUSH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
UMMPPHH!

DOCTOR
That's right, Mrs. Bush. Push!

He reaches beneath the surgical sheets and removes a tiny, infant boy, covered in blood.

HOPPER
Oh man, I think I'm gonna be sick.

He begins to stagger and reel next to the table.

JANEANE
No, no! Push the damned button,
you old hippie!

The doctor holds the baby up in the air and slaps it on the bottom heartily. It emits a healthy cry.

JANEANE
That's right! Hit him again! He
deserves it! He cancelled my
sitcom deal.

She reaches over the side of the table and pushes the button on Hopper's handheld unit before he collapses next to Bush, Sr.

The doctor hands the baby to Janeane, just as she begins to dematerialize.

JANEANE
(as she fades away)
Somebody, count his fingers and
toes, because he'll never be able
to do it himself!

SCENE IV

INT. MIDLAND, TEXAS, CIRCA 1952 - BUSH FAMILY HOUSEHOLD - KITCHEN - EVENING

Janeane has been propelled six years into the future of the same scenario, just as the computer promised. The entire Bush family is seated at the evening dinner table, with Janeane still replacing Barbara.

GEORGE BUSH, SR.
Boy, am I hungry. Robbing people's
property rights and depleting the
environment of essential mineral
reserves can really stimulate a
man's appetite. Yeah, I could eat a
horse -- er, I'm not going to, am I?

JANEANE
(angry)
What's that, another crack about
my cooking? So that's the thanks
I get for slaving away almost ten
full minutes over a lukewarm stove
preparing my family a nice,
vegetarian casserole.

Janeane plunks a large casserole dish down in front of Bush, Sr. and spoons a generous helping onto his plate.

BUSH
(taking a bite)
Calm down, calm down, sugar pie.
I was just --

He gags and spits the food out onto a napkin held up to his face.

BUSH
Ptew! Aack! What the -- ?

Mr. Bush studies the contents of the napkin momentarily.

BUSH
Barbara, what all did you put
into this stuff?

JANEANE
(shrugging)
Just the usual ingredients. You
know: eggs, butter, corn, potatoes.

Bush digs into the casserole dish with a serving spoon. First he fishes out part of an egg carton, then a foil butter wrapper. Finally he roots deeper and pulls up an entire unshocked ear of corn and a whole unpeeled potato.

BUSH
Um, hate to nitpick, honey, but
this might be just a little undercooked.
Tell you what, why don't you stick
it back in the oven, turn that white
knob up real high, and wait for the
fire department. I've got to run over
to Jennifer Fitzgerald's house for
a few minutes, uh, just a little work
we need to catch up on. You know how
I like to stay on top of things.

JANEANE
(nodding knowingly)
Oh yeah, I can just imagine. Take
your time, and say hello to Jennifer for me. I'm sure she has no idea how
much I appreciate her helping me out
like this -- I mean helping you out.

BUSH
Oh, that's really understanding of you,
Babs. You know, a lot of wives would
get jealous of all the time Jennifer
and I spend together.

JANEANE
(smiling wanly)
Believe me, there are some
sacrifices I'm more than willing
to make.
(tugging on Bush's arm as
he starts to get up from
the table)
But there is one thing we need to
discuss. It's about George, Jr.

BUSH
Eh? What's up?

JANEANE
I had another call from his teacher
again. She's still convinced that
he's developmentally impaired.

BUSH
Ah, to heck with those teachers.
They just like to throw around a
lot of big words to get parents
all worked up and raise everybody's
taxes. Bush men have never let
their mental and emotional
impairments stand in the way of
their success. History will
bear that out.

JANEANE
No argument here; but I think it's
time we faced the fact that the
child just isn't quite right.

Six-year old George Jr., sitting across the table in a highchair, begins to pound the table with his fists.

GEORGE JR.
Cookies! I want cookies, Mommy!

Janeane hands him a box of animal crackers. He proceeds to tear it open, spills the contents out onto the tray of his highchair, and begins to chew on the box.

Janeane speaks quietly to Bush, Sr. as she gestures toward Junior with her thumb.

JANEANE
See what I mean? Everything he does
is bassackwards.

BUSH
Maybe he just needs more fiber in
his diet. What kind of breakfast
cereal are you feeding him?

JANEANE
(shaking her
head vehemently)
No, the teacher says he can't
even master his learning blocks.

BUSH
Ah, that's nothing. A lot of kids
his age don't know all of their
letters and numbers.

JANEANE
The teacher says he keeps stuffing
the blocks in his cheeks and
pretending to be Richard Nixon.

BUSH
Ha, ha. Good ol' Tricky Dick.
There's a guy who will never be
caught with his hand in the cookie
jar, mark my words, Babs.
(patting Junior on the head)
I guess that's my fault. I
probably taught him that while
we were watching that "Checkers"
speech on TV.

JANEANE
(exasperated)
No, George, I don't think you are
confronting the reality of the
situation. Remember when I tried to
nurse him? He either sucked the fuzz
out of my bellybutton or blew so many
air bubbles into my boobs I thought I
was getting the "bends" -- and that
was just last week!

GEORGE JR.
Mommy, I'm all done. Can I go play?

JANEANE
(releasing child
from his highchair)
Okay, but be careful.
(pointing finger at Junior)
No more poking yourself in the
face with Mommy's costume jewelry.
Remember what Doctor Adams said:
Mr. Potato Head is only a make-
believe person.

George Junior scampers off. George Senior stands up from the table and starts to leave.

BUSH
(kissing Janeane on cheek)
I'm sure you're completely
overreacting, honey. Maybe he
just needs some siblings.
Remember how well he played with
that little Quayle boy when we
visited relatives in Indiana?

JANEANE
George, they accidentally rode
their tricycles straight into
a hay baler.

BUSH
Yeah, but they knew enough to roll
themselves back to the barn so the
horses could chew them free. You've
got to admit, that was pretty
resourceful.

Just as Bush speaks, George Junior comes trotting through the room dressed in a cowboy costume. He is carrying a rocking horse on his back and firing a cap pistol backwards at himself.

BUSH
(sighing)
Okay, you win. We'll get him a tutor.

He exits. No sooner is he gone than the Dennis Hopper hologram reappears, sitting on top of the kitchen table.

HOPPER
(stirring casserole
dish, wide-eyed)
So where did you get this recipe?

JANEANE
It's one of my mother's old recipes.
She called it "Impossible Pie".

HOPPER
Yeah, impossible to eat.

JANEANE
(fuming)
Oh, so what are you now, a food
critic? What kind of recipe are
you coming up with for getting me
out of here? What does Iggy say?

HOPPER
Sorry, little mama. We can't call
him that anymore. This time Iggy
Pop complained. That's what kept me
so long. The main computer has been
goin' nuts trying to find a name that
has absolutely no celebrity value.

JANEANE
So what did you finally decide on?

HOPPER
Corey Feldman. Yeah, man, like no
one can claim that dude even has
a reputation left to steal.

JANEANE
(relieved)
Thank god. For a moment there, I
thought you were going to say
Janeane Garofalo.

HOPPER
Actually, that was our second
choice, but we didn't want to
reprogram the unit with a
female intelligence.

JANEANE
(indignant)
Maybe you were just afraid that
it might actually know something.
So how am I going to get out of
this mess? Do you understand what
I'm going through? I sleep in the
same bed with one of my worst
political enemies.

HOPPER
Hey, ain't that what that
Cleopartra chick said? "Politics
makes strange bedfellows."

JANEANE
At least Cleopatra had a snake
to relieve her misery. I tell you,
I'm running out of excuses to avoid
sex: headaches, cold viruses, even
yeast infections. I'm down to making
him watch Liberace on the Philco.
Sometimes I even have to watch
with him!

HOPPER
Hey, don't be laying this guilt
trip off on me, little chickie.
Seems like your prenatal hari-
kari plan didn't work so well,
either. If I didn't know better,
I'd swear your heart wasn't
really in it.

Before Janeane can respond, George Junior tugs on her skirt to get her attention.

JUNIOR
Mommy, some bullies were picking
on me in school today.

Janeane bends down to address him face to face.

JANEANE
Do you remember what I taught
you about Gandhi and the principles
of passive-resistance?

JUNIOR
(frowning)
No, too many big words. Besides,
Daddy said that guy was a diaperhead.
(suddenly smiling)
But I took care of 'em good.

JANEANE
(sternly)
You didn't fight them, did you?

JUNIOR
(shaking his head)
No. They tried to give me a wedgie,
but I forgot to put on my underpants,
so all they got was a big handful
of poo. Ha, ha!

JANEANE
(bug-eyed)
Oh no, sounds like we've got another
problem to deal with.

She spins George Junior around and smells back of his trousers.

JANEANE
Ew, yuk! You march right into
that bathroom and hit the shower
immediately, young man.
(half-aloud as George
Junior trots off)
Lord, I never had this much
trouble training my dogs.
Wonder if it's bad parenting
to use a shock collar?
(shouting toward bathroom)
No, put that baseball bat
down right now! When I said,
"Hit the shower," that was a
figure of speech!
(running toward bathroom)
Oh no! Quick, somebody
call a plumber!

HOPPER
I'm out of here, man. The last
thing my career needs is a
sequel to "Waterworld!"

SCENE V

EXT. FORT WORTH CITY ZOO - THE FOLLOWING MORNING

A school bus with "Midland Elementary School" stenciled on the side pulls up to the main gate of the city zoo. Two-dozen students and several adults slowly disembark, each of them with numerous band-aids secured to the exposed areas of their bodies. Some are showing badly swollen faces.

Janeane disembarks last, holding George Junior by the hand and attempting to talk to a young, heavily bandaged adult woman who appears to be the teacher in charge.

JANEANE
Mrs. Rodriguez, I just want to
say again how sorry I am. I had
no idea that George had that
wasp's nest in his lunch box, or
I never would have let him open
it on the bus. I don't know what
goes through his head sometimes.
(looking down at Junior sternly)
Actually, I think that's the
problem -- everything goes
straight through his head.
I just don't know what would
possess him to do something
like that, playing with wasps.

She laughs unconvincingly.

JUNIOR
But Mommy, Daddy said WASPS are
the only ones you can trust ...

Janeane quickly clamps a hand over his mouth.

MRS. RODRIGUEZ
That's all right. At least it
wasn't as big a tragedy as last
week when I let him feed the class
hamster, and he gave it Fizzies and
Coca Cola. The janitor still hasn't
cleaned all of the fur balls off
the ceiling tiles. Actually, I'm
very glad you decided to help out
on this field trip. I could really
use you to take charge of our
problem students and separate
them from the rest
of the group.

JANEANE
Uh, okay, I suppose I could give
it a try. So where are they?

MRS. RODRIGUEZ
You're holding his hand.
(ushering the rest of the
children toward the main gate)
We'll meet you back here at two-thirty.
(turning back to face Janeane)
And PLEASE strip-search him before
you let him back on the bus.

The rest of the class moves on.

JANEANE
(to Junior)
Well, big guy, it looks like you
and Mommy are going to spend some
quality time together. Maybe that's
not such a bad thing. This is a great
learning experience for you, and
excellent training for a future world
leader. First, it teaches you about
multi-culturalism and diversity. It
gives you an opportunity to observe
all of the different animals from
around the world and appreciate
their respective roles in the
ecosystem. This in turn can
reinforce your respect for the
environment and life in general.
So now do you understand how a
zoo operates?

JUNIOR
Yeah, Daddy says that it's like a
jail for animals, only you get
suckers to pay money to see it.

JANEANE
(pursing her lips)
Okay, but don't knock it. At least
it gets you out of school for a day.

They walk toward the main gate.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. FORT WORTH ZOO - BUFFALO PEN - MID-MORNING

Janeane, still holding George Junior by the hand, leads him to the fence surrounding the buffalo pen.

JANEANE
See the buffalo, George? These
magnificent animals used to roam
the prairies and provided meat
for the Native Americans, until
white men slaughtered them
senselessly and drove the species
to the verge of extinction.

JUNIOR
Neat! I really like buffalos.

JANEANE
You do? Why is that?

JUNIOR
Because Daddy says when I get
older he's gonna give me a gun
and let me shoot one. Then we're
gonna cut off his horns and put
'em on the front of the Oldsmobile.
(pointing pretend rifle at buffalo)
Blam! Blam! Blam!

JANEANE
(sighing)
What would we do without dear old
dad? I feel like I'm barely keeping
up with damage control.

Junior's attention is suddenly diverted by a nearby refreshment stand.

JUNIOR
(jumping up and down)
Mommy! Mommy! Can I have a snack?

JANEANE
(fumbling for change in her purse)
Oh, all right. But nothing with
sugar. The last thing we need is
to get you all hyped up on carbs
and have your body running even
further ahead of your brain.

She hands Junior some change and he skips over to the refreshment stand. Presently he returns with a bag of pretzels.

JANEANE
(snatching bag away and
crumbling it in her hands)
No, wait. You have to break these
pretzels up into little pieces,
or you might choke.

JUNIOR
(impatiently)
Mommy, I won't choke.

JANEANE
(handing bag back to Junior)
Yeah, right. That's not what
you'll be saying when you wake
up on the floor with the dog
licking your face. Believe me,
I know.

Junior looks confused. The Dennis Hopper hologram pops up again beside Janeane.

JANEANE
Just run along and check out
some of the other cages. Mommy
has something to take care of.

Junior trots off to check out the animals.

HOPPER
What the freak is wrong with you,
sister? Why didn't you let him
choke on the pretzel? That was
your perfect chance to off the
little dude, and you blew it.
You didn't even have to get
your own hands dirty.

JANEANE
(smacking herself
on the forehead)
Damn, you're right!
(tearing up)
But for some reason I couldn't
do it...Oh, I guess I'm going to
be stuck here forever. What if
we try another push on the
fast forward button?

HOPPER
(pecking keys on handheld unit)
No, I wouldn't recommend that.
Corey Feldman here says there's
a seventy-eight per cent statistical
probability that you'll get zapped
to 1961 and end up in the principal's
office when his little brother Neil
loans out everyone's lunch money and
bankrupts the school cafeteria. Then
George, Sr. coerces the school board
to cover it up by raising everyone's
property taxes and the school
lunch fees.

JANEANE
Geeze, the fun never ends in this
family, does it?

Junior returns with a little brown-haired, blue-eyed girl who is toting an enormous book bag.

LITTLE GIRL
(handing Janeane a packet)
Good morning, Mrs. Bush, I'm
distributing the class pictures.

Janeane opens the packet and squints at the contents.

JANEANE
(to Junior)
Okay, George, so why are you
holding your nose and sticking
your tongue out in all of your
class pictures?

LITTLE GIRL
Because when the photographer
yelled "Cheese," he thought it
meant something smelled yucky.

JANEANE
(to little girl)
My, that's quite a book bag. You
must be a great reader.

LITTLE GIRL
I'm going to be a librarian some day.

JANEANE
(nodding)
You must be Laura.

LITTLE GIRL
(grinning)
That's right! How did you know?

JANEANE
Just a lucky guess. George, did you
say thank you to Laura?

JUNIOR
(pouting, with head down)
I don't like her. She's a girl.
She's got cooties.

LAURA
That's not true, Mrs. Bush. Our
entire class was checked for head
lice, and nobody tested positive.

JANEANE
(to Junior)
Congratulations, doughnut hole.
At least there's one head exam
you can actually pass. So what
were you guys looking at?

LAURA
George wanted to see the elephant
pens, but I told him my family isn't
Republican; so then he talked me
into checking out the monkey cage.

JANEANE
(scowling)
Yeah, that's how they convert you
-- first they drag you down to a
lower order of primate.

JUNIOR
(holding out both hands
full of dark, lumpy objects)
Mommy, look. The monkeys were
throwing free tootsie rolls.
Can I eat them?

JANEANE
(aghast)
Oh my god. Those aren't tootsie rolls!
That's monkey poo, you little doughnut
hole! You throw those in the trash
and go wash your hands in the
bathroom right now, young man.

Janeane empties Junior's hands into a nearby trash can and points toward the rest rooms. George Junior trots off compliantly. As he approaches the rest rooms, he sees three signs on three doors: Men, Women and "Gamekeepers Only! Private."

JUNIOR
(sounding out letters
on third sign)
G...O...P. My daddy says that's
the only way to go.

He opens the gamekeepers' door and enters. Presently he emerges inside the lion pen, and proceeds to wash his hands in the lion's water bowl. The lion soon begins to stir and commences to stalk Junior with its mane bristling and throat growling. Junior turns and freezes in horror just as the beast is ready to pounce.

HOPPER
Look! You must have rubbed the
right magic lamp, chickie, because
your wish is about to come true. I
guarantee that cat isn't finicky
about his food.

JANEANE
(trembling)
No! George! Look out!

She snatches the book bag away from Laura and races toward the lion pen, vaulting the fence in a single leap. Just as the lion is ready to strike, she slings the book bag brutally against its head several times, coldcocking it.

JANEANE
(to the dazed lion)
Take that, Mr. Lion King.
(swooping up Junior and
running for safety)
Come on, he'll he listening to
Elton John music for
the next half-hour.

When Janeane finally makes it to safety, she embraces George Junior tightly with his head on her shoulder and begins crying.

JANEANE
(tearfully)
It's all right, honey. It's all
right. Mommy loves her little
doughnut hole. Oh, damn these
irrepressible maternal instincts!

JUNIOR
Mommy, you said a cuss. Daddy
says that makes you bad like
Harry Truman.

JANEANE
(holding Junior out in
front of her face)
No, it doesn't. It just means
I'm human. Everyone makes mistakes,
and when they do, you should
always try to forgive them. When
you make mistakes, you still expect
your daddy and me to love you,
don't you?

Junior nods solemnly.

JANEANE
(with tears running
down her cheeks)
Then when other people do things
you don't like, you shouldn't be
trying to hurt them and get even
with them. I want you always to
remember that, even if I'm not
with you someday.

Junior nods.

HOPPER
(punching frantically
on computer keys)
Wow, I can't believe it! Corey says
there's a ninety-nine point nine
percent probability that a reverse
portal is opening up. You did it,
Janeane! You figured out how to
change history. I guess you were
never supposed to kill George W.
Bush. You were supposed to help
him; maybe you were both supposed
to help one another somehow.
(wiping away a tear)
Man, I'm all choked up on this
motherhood trip. I haven't been
this mellowed out since I did "The
Sons of Katie Elder".

Janeane feels herself beginning to dissolve back into the time portal.

JANEANE
(as she fades)
Be a good little doughnut hole.
And clean that monkey poo off
your hands ...

SCENE VI

INT - COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY - PHYSICS DEPARTMENT - RESEARCH LAB

Janeane is back in the same Advanced Physics Research Lab from whence she began her odyssey. The three science nerds are surrounding her and eating cookies.

JANEANE
(excited)
I'm back! I'm back! Oh thank god.
Nothing against the fifties, but
the music sucks. The closest thing
I heard to an alternative band
was Spike Jones.

FIRST NERD
(chewing cookie)
Oh yeah, I loved him in those
Nike commercials.
(impersonating Spike Lee)
Y'know, y'know, y'know.

JANEANE
No, I - Oh never mind. So why
didn't you guys come looking
for me?

SECOND NERD
No rush. While you were gone,
the real Barbara Bush took your
place here in the control room.
That's how the machine works.
She was awesome!

THIRD NERD
Yeah, she made us her lemon
squares and her chocolate chip
cookies on the Bunsen burner.
(holding up cookie)
Then we had Story Time, and
she read us all "The Pokey
Little Puppy."

JANEANE
(sarcastically, incensed)
Gee, I hope I didn't interrupt
nappy time with your stuffed animals.
You freakin' geeks, didn't you feel
the least bit concerned that I was
stuck in an alternate time scenario
because of your stinking Quantum
whatever you call it machine?

FIRST NERD
Hey, you don't understand. We were
all raised as latchkey kids.

JANEANE
Oh well, all in a day's work.
So now can we finally discuss
the Howard Dean campaign?

SECOND NERD
Sorry. Mrs. Bush already helped us
fill out our Republican voter
registration cards. She said she
had some connections in the CIA
through her husband, and she would
see about getting us jobs in their
secret gadgets department, like
"Q" in the 007 movies.

THIRD NERD
Yeah, I've already got this great
idea for a gizmo that looks like
an anchovy, but it can bug the
conversations of subversive groups
while they share a pizza.

JANEANE
What if somebody eats it by mistake?

SECOND NERD
No, that's what makes it perfect.
Nobody ever eats anchovies; and if
they do, it's guaranteed to give
them Irritable Bowel Syndrome forever.

JANEANE
(wide-eyed and
touching her abdomen)
Uh-oh...Something tells me that
gizmo has already been invented.
Damn, I should have known better
than to fight Michael Moore for
that last slice at the Artists
United benefit.
(shaking her head)
Well, I guess my work is done here.

Janeane exits brusquely, talking to herself angrily as she walks down the hall.

JANEANE
(mimicking campaign advisors)
"Oh yeah, Janeane, you could help
us a lot by canvassing the colleges.
And don't just talk to the regular
students. Try to chat up some geeks
and nerds. We need to find that
'untapped demographic.'"
(making fist)
Boy, would I like to show them
how to solve that "untapped" problem.
Ah, I don't know why I even bother.
Let the neocons overrun everything
and send the country straight to hell.
What do I care as long as they don't
take Starbucks away from me...

She reaches into her pocket for a cigarette and accidentally removes a class photo of young George Bush. She starts to crumple it up and throw it away, but then she stops and studies it for a moment.

Finally she uncrinkles it tenderly and tucks it down the front of her blouse, as she continues down the hall.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - THE OVAL OFFICE - MORNING

President George W. Bush is seated at his desk with Dick Cheney in a chair facing him and Karl Rove leaning against a bookcase and holding a briefcase. Condoleeza Rice enters the office, soaking wet and with her hair matted down, wearing a raincoat and toting a soggy Dunkin Donuts bag.

RICE
(plunking bag onto the desk)
Sorry I'm late, but the storm
knocked out electricity all over
town. Traffic was backed up
everywhere because of the signals
not working, and when I finally
got to the donut shop, all they
had were some leftover holes.

PRESIDENT BUSH
(reaching into soggy bag on his desk)
Oh, I love doughnut holes. I
think it has something to do with
my mommy, but I can't remember.

KARL ROVE
(frowning, to Rice)
That's no excuse for not executing
an assignment properly. This administration
is a team effort, and every individual
member has to pull his or her weight.

RICE
Hey, I've got a Ph. D. in Political
Science, I'm on the faculty at Stanford
and I'm trained as a classical pianist.
I don't see why I should still be
fetching the doughnuts.

ROVE
You're also the head of the NSA.
So why didn't you take appropriate
action and sanction a covert
operation against Dunkin Doughnuts
for undermining the efficiency of the
administration by depriving us of our
morning carbohydrate fix?

RICE
(drying her hair with napkins)
Appropriate action? Karl, we've been
through this before. Remember when
you wanted me to infiltrate and
disband the Hair Club for Men
because your Rogaine program
didn't kick in?

CHENEY
(yawning, with hand holding chin)
Come on. Let's get on with business.
I didn't get any sleep last night.
My pacemaker went on the blink and
crossed over to a garage door
opener frequency. I must have done
a thousand sit-ups in bed before
I figured it out.

ROVE
(opening his briefcase and
depositing papers on desk)
You're right. Let's get to work.
We have a lot of paperwork that
requires your signature, Mr. President.
First we have this bill authorizing
additional military interventions as
necessary in the war on terrorism; you
know, like we did in Iraq, without
explaining anything to the American
public.

BUSH
(starting to sign with the
wrong end of the pen)
Oh goody. That's the only way
to start a war. Darn these people,
how do they expect me to explain
why I started the war in Iraq when
I don't even know? What do they
think I have advisors for?
(shrugging)
I just do what you guys tell me
to, right?

ROVE
(turning pen around in Bush's hand)
That's absolutely correct, sir.
That's what's wrong with most of
the American people today. They
just don't have any faith.

BUSH
(nodding, as he signs bill)
Yeah, that's why we need prayer
and bible reading back in school,
like our generation had growing up.
You know, that was my best class.
I think it was because the teacher
did all of the work.

RICE
So where are we attacking next?

ROVE
I'm not sure. I haven't completed
the essential analysis of military
intelligence information. Hold on
a second.

He takes a dart off the desktop and flips it over his shoulder at a map on the wall.

ROVE
(turning to examine
dart's location)
Looks like Syria.

Everybody cheers.

ROVE
All right. Now that that's settled,
onto the next item. Mr. President,
this is our new energy bill that we
just railroaded through a midnight
filibuster in Congress by luring all
of the Democrats away to a phony orgy
at Ted Kennedy's condo. It permits
us unlimited freedom to explore for
new sources of oil and gas in national
parks, federally protected areas and
the dumpsters at Taco Bells.

BUSH
(hurriedly scribbling signature)
Sounds like a plan.

ROVE
We also took advantage of the
opportunity to sneak through this
bill that officially changes the
spelling and pronunciation of the
word nuclear to "nucular." It, um,
corrects a long held discrepancy
within the American vernacular.

BUSH
(holding up finger)
That's what I always thought.

He signs bill and passes it to Rove.

ROVE
And finally we have this new
executive directive for the Attorney
General's office and the Department of
Homeland Security. It's just a lot of
mumbo-jumbo that gives Ashcroft and
Ridge the legal authorization to spy
on and harass all of our political
enemies, mostly in the blue states
that didn't vote for us in the
last election.

BUSH
(blinking and squinting)
I'm not sure...

ROVE
But sir, it's great. It actually
targets antiwar groups, labor unions,
celebrity activists, all of the
pain-in-the-tushie groups that have
been exploiting the Constitution of
this great nation just to exercise
their rights of free speech and
assembly. With this one single
piece of paper, we can actually
destroy people's lives and careers
arbitrarily, with no one the wiser.

Bush grimaces and rubs his head as if attempting to remember something.

BUSH
I don't know. Just because people do
things that you don't like, you
shouldn't always be trying to hurt them
and get even with them. Somebody told
me that once.

ROVE
Uh, yessir.
(aside to Rice)
What the hell, has he been
listening to those Karla Faye
Tucker tapes again?

Condoleeza Rice throws up her hands in confusion.

Cheney fiddles with the remote control unit for the television set located across the room.

CHENEY
Oh look, there's that damned
Garofalo broad again, on Larry King.
Didn't we threaten him not to give
her any more airtime?

RICE
I tried, but what were we supposed to
threaten him with? Break up another
marriage? Give him another heart
attack? Humiliation is out of the
question - the suspenders prove that.

ROVE
(to Bush)
Don't look, sir. I promise we'll
have her crawling on that broken
glass right here in the Throne
Room -- er, I mean the Oval Office.

BUSH
(smiling and munching doughnut holes)
Oh, that's okay. There's something
about her I kind of like. I don't
know why, but she always seems to
remind me of somebody, somebody
I was really close to once...

END PART 7: TO BE CONTINUED...

--Back to Top--

 !  Sidebar Information /
Fan Fiction

Janeane Garofalo drawing by Amy

In this series of adventures, Janeane Garofalo plays the part of Janeane as she searches for a persona to finally call home. To read a brief biography, go to Janeane Garofalo >>.


This episodic comedy, written in the general format of a film script, follows the harrowing adventures of a modern-day Janeane Garofalo as she finds herself pitched by the winds of fate from one wild adventure to another. One moment she is burning down the home of Martha Stewart after a failed attempt to fill the apron of the homemaking diva who is preparing for a sojourn "up the river." The next she finds herself transformed into an Elizabethan era Alice pursued by Wonderland characters with incredible resemblances to members of the George W. Bush administration. Never fear, fans of Janeane. While the little Jersey gal walks through the world leaving chaos and destruction in her wake, she always comes out on top, though not completely unscathed at all times.

Select any one of the links below to go to another part of
Perils >> 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11


Little is known of George "Rusty" Datt. Some rumors place him at the scene of all historical events, important or otherwise, for the past two years. Other rumors say longer.
To learn what little we know, go to George "Rusty" Datt >>

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